How best to ask a man to talk?

[allotmentinthegarden]

I realise this probably sounds ridiculous, but hear me out!

Long term relationship with DP. Things between us have been very rocky this year so far. Both of us have various external factors, individual stresses going on and some impacting our relationship. For the first time ever we seem stuck in a cycle of arguing, resentment etc. Previous rocky patches have never lasted so long .

Yesterday after yet another horrible row I said I want to leave because I've had enough.

Now I am calmer and think we can probably work things out but it needs a proper discussion / talk.

Here is the problem though - DP hates any kind of relationship 'talks', he literally squirms and looks like a caged animal and rarely opens up.

Considering I am the one who thought I wanted to end things, I'm not sure how to broach this, how to word it. I want to say that I have clamed down and think we can work things out but we absolutely must talk about the argument the other day in order to resolve it, it can't be brushed under the carpet - which is what he'll want to do.

Any advice on what to message (he's currently at his parents) so he doesn't feel threatened by the talk but firm enough to make him aware it's a condition of working things out?

My ex had a similar reaction to difficult conversations, complete with folded arms and refusal to engage in opening up - very conflict avoidant and essentially physical discomfort at emotionally loaded conversations.

Thing is, no one exactly enjoys those conversations but they MUST happen sometimes - communication can be the backbone to a healthy relationship.

Unfortunately I don't have any answers or solutions for you - nothing I tried bloody worked lol. I think the closest I got to a successful conversation surrounding relationship conflict with my ex was prefacing it with "I know you find talking about these things really hard, and I really don't enjoy it either, but it's important for us to speak openly with each other so we can move forward"

Sorry that it's all a bit shit for you both atm :( got my fingers crossed for you that things will improve.

Suggest he chooses the communication format for this “talk”, i.e. let him write down his feelings in an email if it’s easier. Men are like this sometimes. Forcing them to communicate in a way their brains can’t handle usually backfires ☹️ This is a technique for resolving conflict used by some eminent behavioural psychologists & negotiation coaches. When people are offered some choice in the communication style they tend to be more forgiving & compassionate apparently.

Could try talking whilst driving -- not face to face, and harder to 'escape'.

Switch into and out of serious talk with other more mundane stuff.