Has Relate/ couples counselling helped you either to stay together or separate/divorce more amicably?

[sleepymum50]

I’m feeling quite desperate and have been considering the divorce bombshell.

But just wondered if some kind of joint counselling would be worth it.

As things are i’m definitely LTB, but if things could really change, then maybe. We are both retired and as we’ve aged we want very different things. Plus he can’t help himself, but his personality is very dominant. I find I have to be very stubborn to stop him railroading me into doing things I don’t want to do.

So if you tried counselling, who did you use, how did you find it, pros and cons.

I’m willing to spend whatever it takes. I’m also trying to pursue separate therapy.

for us it was a waste of time
sex was an issue in our marriage and I remember in one of our early sessions the Councillor (female) asked me in an ideal world how many times a week would you like to have sex - I replied every day and twice a day at the weekend, she laughed (clearly thought I was joking / exaggerating) and at this point I knew she did not understand people with a high sex drive.
fortunately I re married and Mrs F feels very much the same as I do regarding sex and 13 years later we are still very active and happy

I remember you from previous writings.

Do not undertake any form of joint counselling with him. If counselling is to be further considered here go on your own. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment and he won't give you that.

Hi @sleepymum50 this was my intention but it didn't quite go to plan. I'd had my own sessions and felt relieved that I was right to feel there was nothing to save in the marriage, and that the best thing to do was to end it amicably. So I took him to a session planning to tell him in front of the counsellor in a safe space, and it went totally wrong! He put on a big sob story, made her feel sorry for him (unbelievable after everything I'd told her) and it ended with me feeling I had to promise to make more of an effort!!!! So, my advice to you is to go ahead, but please please stick to your guns and be clear there is no way back, if that's what you want. Good luck OP.

I’ve never known anyone have success with it going into the process 99% sure they wanted to separate but hoping that the counselling might change something. By the time you’ve got to that point, the relationship is over.

Ex-DP and I had mediation counselling to help us separate. Any discussion about the logistics and finances which we had just the two of us went around in circles. The counsellor was essentially a broker and helped keep us on track in our discussions and amicable through the process. I’d recommend that approach for you.

Hi thankyou for your replies. Partly I’m thinking of it as I feel it would fairer to my Dd. Plus if he doesn’t want to try, then I won’t feel so guilty.
I can see so far it’s not been a miracle experience for most of you.

Attila, thankyou for answering this and my other posts. I was thinking the opposite, that discussing the problems with a trained neutral mediator would be safer and less confrontational. Can I ask why you think otherwise. I’m probably being dense and missing something.

I’m awaiting an appointment with a solicitor who works within Resolution.org.

My experience of Relate was that it was awful. My ExH was a violent alcoholic - 48 hour drinking binges at the weekend when he would disappear and be uncontactable and spend hundreds of pounds. I left, he was grovelling and wanted to try counselling, and even though I knew I needed to run away as far as I could from him, I went to Relate, because I was pregnant, and we had a baby and a toddler.

I told the counsellor a story about his drinking - about how he had smashed our house up so I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from him, and he kicked the door down, and pissed on me (I was pregnant, fyi) to "teach me a lesson".

The counsellor glossed over all the abuse. She suggested I lower my expectations and stop expecting him home after his Friday evening drinks, and that if he agreed to get a hotel on weekends and came home by 9am every Monday, that could be a reasonable compromise. She reminded me that I should try and stay in our marriage for my children, and that "mummy's new partner" was the most likely person to sexually abuse my children if I left him and moved on. She asked lots of questions about our sex life.

I stayed with him for another three months, until he broke my arm when I was 8 months pregnant, and a social worker said I could lose my children if I didn't leave him. I had PAID for a professional who told me I should stay and try harder. I'm angry about that, even now, when I think of it.

You know in your gut if it's over, don't drag it out with counselling.