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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Radio silence

22 replies

lothermand · 04/04/2022 06:49

A week ago I expressed my feelings to my partner (not quite a year in and we don't live together) about his behaviour. It was nothing major (laziness) and I just stated fact (no character assassinations/raised voices) and how I felt, he didn't take this 'criticism' well and I haven't heard from him since, we would normally either text/speak or see each other every day. I could contact him of course, but I feel if I do that, I am 'accepting' of that behaviour, as he wouldn't discuss the issue.

This silent behaviour 'punishment' is worse than the 'offence' and im at a loss at what to do next. Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/04/2022 06:52

Don’t contact him again; block his number

This isn’t someone you want a relationship with

Hiddenvoice · 04/04/2022 07:02

He didn’t like the criticism and is upset. Sadly he probably doesn’t see the point in carrying on the relationship if you feel that way about him.
I’m guessing you’ve tried to contact him?
Either try contact him again to chat it over it just leave it be.
Silent treatment and ignoring is a major bug bear for me but if he is genuinely hurt by your comments then he’s probably still processing what to say.

Discountclaimed · 04/04/2022 07:42

Leave him to it. If he’s sulking he won’t answer you anyway. If he wants you to chase him and apologise that will set up a terrible dynamic.

DS’s ex was lazy, had conversations about him n front of him criticising him, never paid what she owed him, and after saying they were serious started going on dates with other people and expected him to be ok with that. She was honestly gobsmacked when he dumped her and kept asking what she had done wrong!!!!

Original poster

lothermand · 04/04/2022 20:25

I've not tried to contact him, quite frankly I don't know what to say. I'm completely gobsmacked at his behaviour (we are not young!) and I am at a loss on how to deal with it..

OP posts:

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 20:29

I am at a loss on how to deal with it.

Really? You block him and move on with your life. You should be wise enough to know not to waste another second on a man like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2022 20:30

You deal with this by not ever contacting him again. His silent treatment now is an example of emotional abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are also not some rehab centre for such a badly raised man.

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 20:31

I agree with blocking him and moving on. If he can't communicate like an adult it's his loss.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 04/04/2022 20:40

Its one of two things:

He is sulking and punishing you for pointing out a flaw, waiting for you to see the error of your ways and come running.
He is just done.
(I know, I said 2) He is sitting at home wondering why you aren't getting in touch with him.

Life is too short to play games and second guess. If you like him then get in touch, but remember that his laziness is a personality trait, and you can't change personalities, you either decide you can live with it or can't.

Original poster

lothermand · 04/04/2022 20:48

I have been mulling this over since it happened. I don't regret saying how I felt, it should've been said earlier.

You are all correct, I should not contact him again. I'm trying to be the bigger person here, but I don't think it cuts any ice. I can't believe the way he has treated me, it isn't deserved.

Thank you for all your responses, it has given me some clarity..

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/04/2022 20:55

Great advice above.

Do you want an abusive relationship?

Because if you don't, you will block his number and never contact him again.

He's a loser.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 04/04/2022 21:06

@Hiddenvoice

He didn’t like the criticism and is upset. Sadly he probably doesn’t see the point in carrying on the relationship if you feel that way about him. I’m guessing you’ve tried to contact him? Either try contact him again to chat it over it just leave it be. Silent treatment and ignoring is a major bug bear for me but if he is genuinely hurt by your comments then he’s probably still processing what to say.

^^ This, imagine he is done,

SophieSoSo · 04/04/2022 21:28

I am also currently being “punished” with the silent treatment.

Not sure what I’ve done this time, I don’t really care to be honest, but it’s a familiar cycle. He will no doubt be waiting for me to contact him, like I usually do, and fix things, like I usually do. I’ve blocked him.

This is not a relationship. It’s abusive, and I’m done. I hope you walk away a lot sooner than I did x

Sunnytwobridges · 04/04/2022 21:39

My ex pulled the silent treatment on me dozens of times over the years over minor things, even things that had nothing to do with me. They used to cause me so much anxiety, until over time I became less anxious and more I-dont-give-a-fuck-anymore. The last time I refused to contact him and altho I will miss chatting with him (lost any love I had for him years ago), I realize that it's not worth it to deal with the silent treatment.

Original poster

lothermand · 04/04/2022 21:42

I have lots of his stuff (not just a toothbrush etc) at mine. I'd like it to be collected, and I think it's quite grown up to discuss that sort of thing.

If he is done, then I'd at least like home to say so, again I think this is a grown up thing to do.

I don't 'feel' he is lazy, he IS lazy, I stated fact. If he is hurt by the comments, and cannot see past 'criticism' then we are both 'done' which sadly we are, as my mind is now made up.

OP posts:

starmestaryou · 04/04/2022 21:44

Leave. My partner uses silent treatment. Wish I’d left a long time ago… do yourself a favour and don’t waste your time.

Original poster

lothermand · 04/04/2022 21:54

I agree with everyone who says leave. He has little respect for me to treat me this way. He did it once some time ago, I gave in and called him, made a promise to myself never to do it again, so I won't.

If he wants his things, he can be an adult, call me, and arrange collection.

OP posts:

IsThePopeCatholic · 04/04/2022 22:17

Well done for being decisive. The silent treatment is childish and manipulative- and so unattractive. He sounds like such a loser.

Geppili · 04/04/2022 23:04

Block and be done!

lisaandalan · 04/04/2022 23:18

Block move on, my ex was like this didn't speak to me every time I disagreed or confronted him, sometimes for months on end he never changed, his behaviour just got worse and worse, he had borderline personality disorder, I've since discovered, please don't waste your life, move on and block. X

DoItAfraid · 04/04/2022 23:23

@IsThePopeCatholic

Well done for being decisive. The silent treatment is childish and manipulative- and so unattractive. He sounds like such a loser.

Was just typing a reply to say that his behaviour is so childish.

Had an issue with my daughter today and she asked me to come up and talk about it a bedtime. We discussed the issue, she articulated her position, I articulated mine. We compromised.

She is FIVE years old. He is being an idiot.

lisaandalan · 04/04/2022 23:24

Don't wait for him to say he's done because he won't, he will think he can get his way back in eventually, leaving his things there will be his way.
Please gather his things together and take them to his house at a time he should be home leave them on the doorstep, ring the bell and walk away.
He will sweet talk you if you wait for him to contact you, because by then you will be less angry.
Take it from someone who knows walk now, before you waste more of your life. X

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/04/2022 23:27

Don't waste any more time with this sulking man-child.

Flush, block, delete.

You know you are worth better than this.

Flip