How do I broach the subject of my mums poor health with her

[Menora]

My DM is not particularly old (not yet retired) and she is very helpless

I’ve spent the day with her and she is in the worst health I have seen her in which was very worrying. Problem is, she seems to think her health problems are just down to her mobility issues. my family today all agree with me that there is something more serious going on with her health that she seems be in denial about. I am quite sure she is in early heart failure. I don’t know how to broach this

I did gently suggest going to see a doctor to discuss it, but my mum has a real issue with accessing healthcare appropriately. She is constantly self diagnosing things online and obsessing over them but won’t actually seek any help from anyone about anything, ever. It took us years to get her to talk to a doctor properly about her mobility issues because it had got so bad and then she was so easily fobbed off it became quite ridiculous. You tell her what to say but she won’t do it and makes lots of excuses.

She is like this about everything, she says ‘I’m going to do x y z’ and then just says that over and over for months even years and never takes any action. Like she will say she needs a new chair or appliance, but she will never ever actually get it. She just talks about needing it for long periods of time. I don’t have POA and she has capacity so I can’t actually do anything on her behalf and I am not her parent so I get exasperated she never takes responsibility for anything. The GP surgery is telephone triage appointments so I can’t offer to go with her or phone on her behalf and I also don’t see why I should - she should be able to do this!

Do I just stand by and let her get on with it?

But she’s not doing it and you are obviously worried about her so why not call the GP with her or on her behalf and see what they say? Offer to go with her to the GP if necessary.

If you don’t want to bother and neither does she then it’s a stalemate 🤷‍♀️

What makes you think she’s in heart failure?

you say she’s always self diagnosing but isn’t that what you’re doing here?

You can talk to her about your thoughts but at the end of the day it’s her body and her choice.

@AlternativePerspective

What makes you think she’s in heart failure?

you say she’s always self diagnosing but isn’t that what you’re doing here?

You can talk to her about your thoughts but at the end of the day it’s her body and her choice.

She can’t breathe properly. She can’t walk further than a few hundred feet without visibly being able to not breathe at all and needs to sit down to recover. She is completely out of breath even getting up from a chair and any exertion is a struggle. She says she’s not in pain and she’s not taking any pain relief for pain, the struggle is clearly on her respiratory system with small exertion. Her ankles are swollen too. I know enough about heart failure to be suspicious of it. But she thinks she’s just tired and it’s all coming from her limbs. It doesn’t seem to be. Her limbs move but she’s struggling to get enough oxygen to keep moving.

I can’t speak on her behalf to a doctor and even if I was in the consultation, it would be me telling the Gp things I haven’t even said to her, and not her, she’s the patient and they are the doctor. I would go with her if she asked me to. But she isn’t. Me barging in to a consultation saying ‘is she in heart failure?’ Is weird AF. She’s not an old person who doesn’t have capacity over her own health and decisions and surely it would be quite a gross overstep of boundaries. Yes I am worried I am worried she is in denial and not going to do anything until she’s running out of options

In my personal experience, even if she were to walk happily into the surgery and co-operate completely with the medics, there's only so much they can do. But that's still not nothing.

You can write to the GP, saying,
"I know you can't tell me anything about Mum's health - I'm not asking you to. I would like to fill you in about what I have observed. (Insert details you told us)
... my fear is that she has heart failure. I do hope that you can find some way to 'call her in for a health check' or some such, so that she can be treated if possible. Please don't mention that I wrote this letter - I fear she may stop talking to me and then I can't look out for her".

They may of course grass you up to your Mum - it's a risk - but hopefully they will at least try to finagle her in so they can do something.