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Original poster

How would you feel about this?

13 replies

starlight3030 · 03/04/2022 21:08

So long story short, been with DP for 2 years and known each other a bit longer (albeit not very well just through mutual friends)
We generally have a good relationship and have discussed plans for wedding in the future and kids etc.
we live together in rented house.

He has mentioned to me about a couple he was friends with a few years ago (approx 3/4 years ago, before we were together, I don't know them) and has told me stories about the strange relationship this couple had etc I didn't think anything of it. But I recently found out that he was actually sleeping with the girl!! Behind her husbands back.

It's all over now and they don't even live near us anymore, but I just can't get over how casually he talked about them as if they were just friends, all of them! But not even a whiff of anything going on between DP and the woman. I'm absolutely shocked and had no idea, didn't think he would ever keep truth from me.

How would you feel about this? I don't know whether to raise it with him or not? He doesn't know that I know, I found out through a friend who knew them those years ago.

I feel like a bit of a mug for some reason.

OP posts:
duvetdayforeveryone · 03/04/2022 21:10

How old was he at the time?

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2022 21:13

How did you find out?

Original poster
starlight3030 · 03/04/2022 21:13

@duvetdayforeveryone about 26.

OP posts:
Original poster
starlight3030 · 03/04/2022 21:23

Somebody said something to me about their 'weird relationship' that they thought something might have been going on, I've since seen messages to back this up

OP posts:
AlternativelyWired · 03/04/2022 21:34

Was it an open relationship?

Original poster
starlight3030 · 03/04/2022 21:42

@AlternativelyWired not from the sound of it, husband didn't know it defo sounds like she was having an affair

OP posts:
TheGrinchsDog · 03/04/2022 22:45

It would change how I saw him tbh.

To me it would indicate that he is able, over an elongated time period to deceive someone he ostensibly cares about (his friend), while servicing the needs of his ego and penis with the wife.

Add to that that he is chatting so easily about her with you would probably make me think he was getting off a little on talking about his ex with you.

I would assume he feels no shame as he is able to talk so easily about them, I think if he carried a lot of guilt he might have either told you or not spoken about them at all. So he doesn't feel like he did anything wrong.

I would wonder if there aren't other little red flags you may have missed that show him to be self centred, selfish about his own needs at the cost of others or otherwise just a bit of a nasty kind of person?

Original poster
starlight3030 · 04/04/2022 00:34

@TheGrinchsDog

That is definitely how I'm feeling in the back of my mind and that's helped bring it to the front, thank you. It's one of those things were I know it's dodgy- but because it was a while ago I'm in a 'should I let the past be the past' mindset. He's been absolutely loyal to me and done a lot for me since we've been together, hence my absolute shock that he'd be capable of it.

OP posts:
AlternativelyWired · 04/04/2022 08:10

Then I would deem him someone with no morals and run like the wind. They are all nice guys to start with. You only have to read the threads on here to see how being cheated on comes as a total shock as the woman had no idea due to being treated well and him being a great dad or similar. That's how they get away with it for so long: being the nice guy that you can't believe would sink so low.

TheGrinchsDog · 04/04/2022 20:18

Yeah if someone tells you who they are - or in this case when you find out who someone is.

At 26 you are what my mum used to call 'fully baked' right? You are fully emotionally developed and your brain has stopped all that jiggling around it was doing up till then.

So to me it wasn't just youthful hijinks gone wrong (maybe if he were 19 or something... maybe), this was an adult who deceived his mate to shag his mates wife.

26 is closer to 30 than not and people know better by that age.

Just shows for me that he is capable of being that person and I'd run a mile.

You have to decide whether you think it's worth the risk now.

TheGrinchsDog · 04/04/2022 20:22

Also something else I can't quite put my finger on about how he's talking about their 'weird' relationship. That's not a nice way to describe it anyway so I wonder is he enjoying telling you about it, like enjoying how 'weird' they are and kind of laughing about it?

Would double the not a nice bloke-ness for me if so, because he'd be laughing at them on two fronts imo then if that is the case.

TheGrinchsDog · 04/04/2022 20:23

Just re-read and he didn't say weird at all, my brain supplied that all on it's own - sorry! Grin

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/04/2022 20:23

@TheGrinchsDog makes a good point here:

I would wonder if there aren't other little red flags you may have missed that show him to be self centred, selfish about his own needs at the cost of others or otherwise just a bit of a nasty kind of person?

Sometimes we choose not to see what we don't want to see - and yes, I've done it myself Blush

As you live in a rented house and have no kids together this is the ideal time to get out of this relationship, OP.

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