Friend cross with me being annoyed!

[surprisehedge]

Had a big birthday last week, and had a meal booked for it. Had close friends and family. On the day, one of my oldest friends did not turn up, I was quite worried as no one had heard from her (we are in the same friendship group, all of who came).

I tried calling her that evening but couldn’t get through, and the following day she texted back explaining that something had come up, to do with her house, as she’s having work done at the moment. No apology or happy birthday message or anything.

I was a bit and asked her why she didn’t let anyone know, and she said things were just too hectic.

As much as I understand things come up, I felt a bit put out that she hadn’t even bothered a quick call or text, she didn’t say happy birthday to me at all. We have been friends for 15+ years.

I explained how I felt but said never mind, these things happen. Ever since then she has stopped responding in our group chat with all of us in, and has blanked one message I sent her seeing how she was. She does this sometimes then reappears a few days/weeks later, being very full on and wanting to make loads of plans/meet up.

She has form for being a bit inconsiderate, so I’m not sure what to do here. I think she’s shown me she doesn’t value our friendship much, so I’m wondering if it’s best to distance myself a bit. I’m a bit soft when it comes to boundaries with friends, and sometimes worry I’m being too harsh! So I was wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom on how they’d deal with this?

Thanks in advance

She's obviously got a bee in her bonnet about something and doesn't have the decency to let you know. I'd be so hurt that she hadn't said happy birthday and would think very low of her. Or...something serious may have happened that she doesn't want you to know about, or she's just doing her usual messing around. It's not something I would put up with anyway...

Seems pretty inconsiderate not to contact you or someone in the group to let you know she couldn’t make it. I don’t blame you for being upset and it’s good to be honest with her.
She seems put out with something. I’d let her be and when she does finally start messaging again I’d probably keep my distance with her.

Agree with @Hiddenvoice last senence.

I’m a bit soft when it comes to boundaries with friends, and sometimes worry I’m being too harsh!

Try this ; www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/it-will-take-more-than-one-attempt-to-communicate-your-boundaries-keep-going/

Maybe she suffers with depression and withdraws while she feels down and reappears when she feels better?

It sounds to me like she's an attention seeker and at best inconsiderate.
Surely she'd have known you would have spent your Birthday worrying about her.
I'd distance myself.
She's not replying to messages etc as it shines a spotlight on her and she wants you all fussing around her wondering if she's ok.
If you ignore her she'll start making an effort I'm guessing although probably after making a drama about nobody caring about her

Some people can only see things from their own point of view. Sounds like she got in a state and just couldn't think about the effect on you. Or felt unable to explain.

If she's generally a bit self absorbed, I would probably forgive her (though feel aggrieved as you do). If she isn't, maybe say you're worried that she got so bound up in whatever it was and can you help at all?

I don't have weak boundaries but I am pretty forgiving of others' faults as we are all only human. But I know that isn't an approach most MNs are sympathetic to.

* I think she’s shown me she doesn’t value our friendship much, so I’m wondering if it’s best to distance myself a bit. *

She was so rude and self absorbed. Obviously got a problem about something. I wouldn’t bother with her after this.

Yes would be upset also but know that she may have relationships issues or depression and could be going through a bad time and not able to cope so when she feels better she is able to contact people. Try to talk to her in person over a coffee and ask her is everything ok and explain to her how you felt hurt. Try not to lose the friendship as she may also be suffering or going though bad time and not able to face people at all. Tell her even a text and a birthday card would have meant so much and take it from there.

I have a situation like this right now. A friend was 1.5 hours late for my birthday celebration as she once again has prioritised her new man. She did apologise at the time but no contact since. Another friend said she thinks I should contact her. Some people are bizarre