Always fighting with DH

[Stressisbad]

Good afternoon,

I am not usually putting my life on the internet, but I feel really upset at the moment and don't know what to do with my husband.
We have 2 little girls (1 and almost 3) and are both in full time jobs. Since the birth of our second, DH has been having problems with tendonitis in his hands, which is hard on both of us as I am doing all the housework.
The problem is: I am naturally messy when he is slightly OCD. Between work, the kids, cooking and cleaning the kitchen, I am lucky to get 1/2 h for myself and he just got mad at me because I am on my phone during kids nap and my desk (I am working from home) is a mess (which means there is one not so nice pile of paper on it, I do not consider it a mess)... How is that his problem anyway???

I keep explaining to him that as long as he is doing so little he has to be more tolerant but it seems impossible. I am making a lot of efforts (no dirty laundry in corners or dirty dishes in the kitchen at most times...) but I am so tired it feels unfair for him to ask more... We always end up fighting about it. Then, he gets grumpy and starts criticizing everything (food is boring, kids badly behaved and need discipline, and why did I not take them to the park???)

Both our families are abroad and we recently moved to a new city where we know noone, so help is not an option. I looked for a cleaner but it seems demand is very high in our area (Cambridgeshire).

Any idea how to make it work?

He lives elsewhere until he is able to do his share.
Or he shuts up and is grateful for all you do.

Yep I agree.

The rule in this house is if you want something done a certain way you do it yourself.

If you can’t, or want someone else to do it you shut the fuck up.

mmm, so he's got a problem with his hands which means he can't do any housework? How bad is it really? Because perhaps HE could take the children to the park? Or maybe he could supervise some crafts or activities or play football with them in the garden so that you can do the housework? It's not that I'm unsympathetic to any medical issues he has but if his tendonitis is so bad he can't do anything, hopefully he's seeking help?

I sympathise if he feels the house isn't to your usual standards but if you're down one person, what exactly does he think is going to happen!?

Also it seems like he’s saying he can do nothing, rather than working out what he can do.

What’s the doctor said about recovery time.

Thank you for your answers. His injuries are not too bad at the moment, but everytime he does a little bit too much he gets pain and is scared it will come back (it is one of those repetitive movements injuries that can become chronic)... And then any pain makes him super grumpy.

Still, he does play with the kids at times (but I do have to come back for nappies, any crying...), He will sometimes tidy up/take the bins out so he does try to participate, it is just very small compared to the amount of work in a house with 2 toddlers.

He is not a bad guy, he used to do a lot around the house and I think part of the problem is that he feels guilty for not doing more, but he is one of those guys who will turn any negative feeling into anger. I used to deal with it, but now with injury he gets more angry, and I am too tired to react in an appropriate way so we both end up shouting...

That bothers me more than housework, because I hate fights, plus big kid has started to notice. He probably needs counseling more than anything but keeps saying the problem is his hands... In a way, it makes things worse because how can you blame someone who is already feeling bad enough?

If it's a repetitive strain injury surely there are all kinds of things he could do without making it worse including picking up a child for a cuddle when it's crying?

Pain (and fear of pain or fear of long-term pain) can absolutely make people irritable and bad tempered and that's not unreasonable. But it is up to him to step up and to be realistic that if he's not helping, there's only so much you can do. And also to see that there are plenty of things he can and should be doing. Chopping vegetables and cooking elaborate meals might be out but walking kids to the park and pushing them on swing, overseeing general activities, putting washing in the machine (even if he doesn't feel up to carrying it for hanging up or the dexterity required to hang it up/fold it after) etc all seem feasible.

Is he just sitting not moving his hands while watching TV al day? Or is he working/doing other things.

I speak as someone who regularly has severely reduced movement and strength in one arm due to a long-standing injury. In my case, cooking is challenging when I'm having a bad period and food will be pretty basic but I can make an effort. I can also still sit with the DC while they're eating and (when they were younger) feed them, make tea/coffee/breakfast, bath kids (although probably not when tiny babies as wouldn't have been strong enough on one side), bed time routines etc etc etc.

He is bullying you and getting angry because while he does next to nothing, you aren't doing everything up to his standards?

He is being abusive and he needs to be told this.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

You are doing your best with two very young children.

It is 100% on him that he is behaving so badly.

Protect yourself.