Still married but emotionally connecting with others

[namechangethesecond]

NC for obvious reasons.

I've been married to DH for 8 years, have 2DC. In those 8 years we've been through the worst of times but also some good times. The first half of my marriage was spent being gaslit, verbal abuse, sometimes physical. This died down when DH became closer to our religion but now he is almost like a robot, doing things because it's obligatory for him and nothing spontaneous really. Throughout these 8 years he has moments, maybe once or twice a year, where he messages random women etc because he's not completely satisfied sexually . I'd say we do it 3/4 times a week and I don't particularly enjoy it myself.
Since covid hit he has been trying harder and we do spend more time together, but I feel like after everything we've been through I don't feel the same about him. So I left last year with DC but he managed to convince me back - I really felt like I missed him but now I think I was just remembering the few good times, and missed my biggest opportunity.

Here's the part that will make me sound awful, and I know I can't excuse my behaviour but I know this isn't the type of person that I am, but what I've become as a result of our relationship. My marriage lacks that emotional connection, and I'd say that is my main love language. I can say I love you to him until I'm blue in the face but I don't really mean it. So there have been a couple of occasions where I've had emotional affairs with guys that I've been good friends with - one was on and off for about 2 years and DH never found out about that. The second is a recent one.

I'm just tired of knowing that I have these emotions that I can give and get back, but I can't fulfill them within my own marriage. I justify it in my head by saying we've come a long way from where we were and I can compromise on this one thing but then I realise my entire marriage has been filled with compromise, just made to seem like it's been my own choice. DC are the reason for me sticking things out, one has SEN and awaiting diagnosis. I don't feel like leaving is an option but at the same time I want to feel alive.

Sorry for the long post, thank you if you've read this far, I think I just needed to get this off of my chest ❤️

sorry but i think our marriage is dead.

not our your

its like carrying a dead horse.

You need to get out. I really don't think emotional connection is too much to expect from a marriage - in fact, isn't that one of the most import factors?

@bluebell34567 you're right, it's like dead weight. I don't feel proud to call him my husband for reasons I didn't mention above but his family know what I mean. But on the flip side DC adore him and he has no issues with expressing his love for them. I know leaving is best, I used to wish my DM would do the same but I struggled even in that short period last year. I don't have family to turn to since DF is essentially the same.

@PersephonePomegranate you would think that, but I don't think he really knows how to connect to people like that at all, it's not just me. He's good with words when he needs to be and won me over in the early days that way - I was young and naive unfortunately.

We all live and learn.

It's never too late to have the life you and your children deserve. Just because you didn't feel ready the last time you tried to walk away, doesn't mean you won't be ready again. I appreciate it's not simple though

thank you @PersephonePomegranate. last time opened his eyes for about 5 minutes before falling back to old ways I Iove my in laws (more than my DG!) and know it would be hard for them, but they would also understand - I've already spoken about my limits with them and they fully understand, and want what's best for DC. sadly now is a bad time as it's Ramadan but it also gives me some time to reflect and plan.

You need to leave. You and your kids deserve a lot more than this.

It's good that you have the support of your in laws. Definitely use this time for reflection.

@user842 you're right. I've made mistakes and I understand that. despite DH being brazen and telling me about everything he does (speaking to other women etc) because he thinks that that counts as healthy open communication, I don't wish to disclose what I've done to him because he would create a witch hunt
my priority atm is getting DS' diagnosis sorted so that he is at least receiving the support he needs.

I did it - after 8 years of silence I opened up to DM. DF will do what he can to support me and get me out of this house. I know I'll have more courage to stay away if there is family involved to hold be back from giving in to my emotions.

Well done op

Well done OP, this is the first step to a better life for you and your kids.

It’s normal to be unsure if you are doing the right thing, it’s normal for it to feel very hard. But you CAN do this. Have you started to plan your next steps for leaving?

@user842

Well done OP, this is the first step to a better life for you and your kids.

It’s normal to be unsure if you are doing the right thing, it’s normal for it to feel very hard. But you CAN do this. Have you started to plan your next steps for leaving?

for now I just need to get that distance between us I think - get past the emotions and think properly. I know he has me completely emotionally manipulated but a part of me still feels attached. I'm fortunate that my parents have space for us to stay so I'll be able to think properly there.