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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Harssing after child's suicide

13 replies

marmitetoastie · 03/04/2022 08:52

Hi
I just wondered if anyone had any advice. My friend's older teen son killed himself 2 weeks ago, which has obviously been horrendous. She was going through a very bitter divorce at the time (not the children's father). Current she still lives with that soon-to-be ex-husband and three of her school age children (not his). Her ex has continued to make their lives difficult, he told her the death was "inevitable", refused to give them space then reluctantly left for a few days, blaming her. Now he's back, he does things like turning off lights when she's using a room , sometimes even when she's in a room, commanding the attention of guests who to come to visit her, refuses to let her put a lock on her bedroom door despite her important paperwork going missing. Before the death he had removed the curtain poles in her sitting room (they have one each) adn he would sit outside the patio windows staring in at her. He's also constantly doing little things, which seem inconsequental but are just harassing - like insisting their garden gates are wide open if she's sitting outside, with her kids or friends. Then continually going to re-open them if someone closes them - which is how they've normally kept them, till now. It's like low-level but constant invasion of her headspace. Her solicitor says he hasn't done enough for a restraining order. Are there any harassment type routes she could use to make him leave her alone? She's stayed in the house bc she put a lot of money in when they got together, he's spent a lot of her money during the marriage and she needs to make sure he doens't sell the house. Her now deceased son, told her to fight him. To her credit, she's not arguing just ignoring him. Any advice on dealing with this prick? Much appreciated.

OP posts:
tabbycatstripy · 03/04/2022 08:58

You might want to move this to Feminism chat?

But maybe the coercive control legislation could help?

FemaleAndLearning · 03/04/2022 09:03

When he next leaves the house call an emergency locksmith and get locks changed.
Ask Mumsnet to move this to relationships loads of advice there.

SunshinePie · 03/04/2022 09:06

Omg that sounds absolutely horrendous. She needs support asap. Women aid? Something similar? I hate to say it but when a parent loses a child there is a higher chance they will also take their life. www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2016/jan/1-10-suicide-attempt-risk-among-friends-and-relatives-people-who-die-suicide

With all that going on I would say she is in the vulnerable, high risk group. She needs help. Could you ring social services or similar?

DERFDogmaExlusionary · 03/04/2022 09:27

OP, I suggest you start a chat with Women's aid which opens at 10am. It's confidential

chat.womensaid.org.uk/

itdoesntcount · 03/04/2022 09:36

She could log every single thing with the police, no matter how small it seems as it builds a picture of the harrasment and ask the police to help with a non molestation order.

marmitetoastie · 03/04/2022 09:49

Sorry seem to have put it in wrong forum

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 03/04/2022 09:54

That poor woman. She's in a terrible place having lost her son and now that lunatic is harassing her. I agree she should contact Women's Aid.

Circumferences · 03/04/2022 09:55

When he next leaves the house call an emergency locksmith and get locks changed.

As horrendous as this bastard sounds, don't do this because I think that's illegal if he still owns/rents or part owns/rents the property!

Nidan2Sandan · 03/04/2022 09:58

She needs to speak to womens aid. This is abuse, so she needs to report to the police as well.

Theunamedcat · 03/04/2022 09:59

Put a lock on the bedroom door anyway if he kicks it in THEN she can call the police

Theunamedcat · 03/04/2022 10:04

Does he legally own the property outright or is it joint? Because I'm pretty sure if it's joint he can't just sell it anyway

Personally I would be gone no money is worth your mental health and there are legal steps you can take to prevent him selling it there are also petty steps you can take like telling all the estate agencies in the local area that ownership is contested

oliviastwisted · 03/04/2022 10:05

Honestly no there isn’t much she can do other than get out. Her solicitor is not wrong, it is a complete roll of the dice as to whether she would get any form of restraining/protective order with this behaviour.

My FIL is so similar and he has also engaged in serious physical abuse over a decade ago. Didn’t meet the threshold for any protective orders in the judge’s mind and MIL stays anyway.

Definitely contact women’s aid. Forget protection or justice being guaranteed and let her forge ahead through the divorce process. It is absolutely horrendously unjust but it is the reality many abuse victims suffer.

Kindy1234 · 03/04/2022 11:04

All these things may seem trivial but when put together it sounds like abuse, esp the part where he spent alot of her money during the marriage..esp if under coercion. It seems like he's trying to break her spirit.. She's grieving.. He's certainly not being supportive.

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