My life is a mess and I don't know what to do

[RedFlagsAllOver]

I would really appreciate any advice. My life is just a joke.
About 4 years ago me and my husband sat down and spoke about having an open marriage. Because like most couples things had become a bit stale and we thought it might put some excitement back in our lives. We made the rules protected sex, and no falling in love. We have 3 kids, and us and the kids were to always be a priority and no bringing anyone to the house obviously.
Well we both met someone, slept with them it was a bit weird because until now my husband had been the only person I slept with. We took some time out for a while because the experience was a lot to take in. Then I met a couple of guys off fab swingers and they were dreadful in bed and I just came away thinking my husband isn't so bad after all. Then covid happened and obviously it all came to a stop for a while.
But since then me and my husband have drifted further apart, I love him but I don't fancy him anymore. I have no urge to jump on him, when he says love you I can't say love you back and mean it.
A few weeks ago the kids stayed with his mum and we went to a swingers club. It was a hood evening got chatting with a couple of people but I drank too much, slept with someone but honestly don't remember much. I know he wore a condom though. Then me and my husband went home and we both started going on fab swingers again.
This is where everything goes to shit. I got a message from a guy and straight away he looked like bad news. His Profile pic looked like a thug basically but I was drawn to him. We got messaging and met a few days later. We had sex, he kissed me and was actually really tender it wasn't all nasty, stroked my hair spoke sweetly blah blah blah. My husband also started meeting a woman, and he's been texting her and smiling. He's not like that with me.
I met this guy 3 times, then the truth came out he's a coke head. He started messaging me talking shit, got nasty then called me a bitch and he didn't want to see me again. I felt like an absolute idiot, put it down to experience and tried to forget him.
A couple of days passed and he messaged said he's really sorry. He actually really loved spending time with me he's just a fucking idiot he does coke too much and needs to sort himself out. I thought he was showing me his vulnerable side and I felt bad for him. The same evening I saw messages between my husband and this woman saying they love each other. It's ridiculous they have literally seen each other twice. I didn't feel angry or upset it was just the proof that me and him are no longer in love but I don't know what we can do. I don't currently work, he works full time. We have 3 kids 15 , 13 and 5. My dad passed away last year and I'm set to inherit half a house and some money but not enough to buy anywhere and with no job it would be hard to go independently right now.
The coke head I was chatting with messaged me last night and said sorry to ask but you couldn't lend me £40 could u. When I didn't answer he just said fine take care and blocked me. But my husband has met a woman quote "he's having amazing sex with"
If you read all that thank you. I know it's a mess and I just need to know what to do next. I need to get tested too because I was stupid to let that animal near me.

You and your husband need to separate.
No judgment from me here (you'll get some though so prepare yourself!) but you're clearly out of love and need to move on from each other.

You're not going to find happiness in life doing what you're doing, and its really not going to help your marriage which to be honest sounds like its dead in the water. It's all well and good deciding on an open marriage and setting rules like no falling in love but of course, one of both of you are going to get feelings for someone else at some stage and its unrealistic to expect otherwise.

What is your financial situation. Can you afford to leave, do you want to leave?

You're putting yourself and your health in danger by going to swinger meets and having sex with strange men and it sounds soulless and empty. If you want to mend your marriage and your husband does too you need to focus on each other, and not bring other people into the mix. Would you both be up for couples counselling ? Or if not maybe counselling just for you so you can unravel what you actually want.

I’m sorry but it sounds like your marriage has been over for quite a while.
The problem with open relationships is one partner usually falls for someone else pretty quickly.
No judgement here from me at all but have you been getting checked just to make sure you’re all okay? Just with having multiple partners who may also have multiple partners.
I’d block the other guy and try forget about him, he doesn’t sound like good news.
You’re husband and you now need to sit down and talk about your life together. You need to think of a plan of how you will support your children etc

Thanks for your reply, like I say I don't work at the moment. I left my Last job when my youngest was still young as my husband got a full time job that was bringing in enough money, I was going to start looking again when he started school but then my dads health went down hill and I needed to be available for him. I won't have enough money to buy anywhere when the will is all settled but I can't go on like this.
I was trying to find some excitement but just ended up feeling like a silly old fool. There's nothing fun about sleeping with random men and I think I was just in some way trying to chase what I missed out on in my youth.

I'm going to get tested, but I believe you have to wait a few weeks or could get a false negative.

I'm sorry that you're in this muddled place.
Have you made a "priority needs for me" list?
Things/living situations which are necessary/vital to your well-being?
This might help you prioritise your decision-making and consequent actions. However, look before you leap: twice.
Good luck.

I clicked on your post as I actually know who regularly have sex with third parties, go to swingers clubs, meet people online etc.

The difference is, they are madly in love with each other as well and have a massively strong marriage. They don't have kids, both work FT, neither is vulnerable.

The arrangement isn't working for you and it will be interesting to know what your DH's lady friend is thinking about all this. Is she expecting your DH to leave you for her?

You need to talk to your DH. There are 2 choices: you either become monogamous and stay together working at your marriage or you split up.

Sounds like it's heading towards the latter particularly if your DH is infatuated with his new friend. If you're not working and are the primary carer for 3 children, your DH will be expected to pay decent child support plus you may be able to stay in the marital home. I would actually see a solicitor at this point.

I think you know your marriage has run it’s course.

Now it’s about damage limitation for you.
Don’t rush. Take your time to sort things out for yourself.

First things first, find a job. Your youngest is at school. It will be more manageable.
Go and see a solicitor regarding the inheritance and the split of assets.
Stop the swinger club. You’re not at the right place.
Dont read your DH texts. He might be ‘in love’. He might not but that’s not what you should concentrate on anymore.

It doesn’t sound like a marriage in any sense other than legal now.

I think your priority needs to be ending it and working out how you’re going to support yourself. See a solicitor. Start applying for jobs. The sex stuff is all a bit of a red herring really.

You need to be careful what you wish for on Fab.

Separate.

Why people think they can fix their marriage by looking outside it is beyond me.

I was trying to find some excitement but just ended up feeling like a silly old fool. There's nothing fun about sleeping with random men and I think I was just in some way trying to chase what I missed out on in my youth

Despite you saying you’re ina mess, you have worked out that you are and why you’ve got into it. Please stop having sex with strangers. Your marriage is over, your first priority should be to get a job, and talk with your H about how to separate. He will have to help you with finances until you get a job.

Have you talked to your dh about splitting up he may feel like the marriage is over and you can have a talk about money and how you can manage on your own. He will have to pay cm and you can claim UC.

I'd separate from your H as soon as possible. The marriage was over before he met the woman he's having ''amazing sex'' with (nice to know, hmmm) but in this open marriage sharing the information about the amazing sex, you're set up to feel like the loser. You have to step away from this dynamic.

Your life isn't a mess. You have your children and your own life. You just aren't having ''amazing sex''
That doesn't mean your life is a mess!
Don't compare your value in the dating market to your husband's self-assessed value in the dating market right now.

You have a lot going on. Yes you're right STI tests are a priority. You and your husband need to officially separate - its a strange process mentally but if you think about it, you haven't been together for quite a while.

As for other men, speaking from experience give seeing anyone a rest for quite some time. You need to focus on you and your children. You've got sleeping with other men out your system and now know its not all its cracked up to be.

Once your separation is sorted, have got your STI test over with and had a bit of time to yourself hopefully, you'll stumble upon a nice man.

Don't be in touch with the "coke head" and next time trust your instincts, they are usually right.

As for your husband, I know you feel he's moved on already and you seem to feel like you've been left behind. You haven't he's just on a separate journey and it'll probably not last. But you need to run your own race - its a marathon not a sprint. Try to stop looking over your shoulder to see what he is doing. Best way to do that is not be sharing a home. Best of luck

You say you are due to inherit half a house plus some money. Is there any way you could buy the other inheritee's share so that you owned the whole house? What would you be entitled to in way of settlement if you were to divorce. Although this is a bit of a mess right now, take this opportunity to straighten out your life. End the marriage, stop sleeping with random guys and sort out your financial affairs.

Do you and your H own your house? If so, would your inheritance be enough to buy him out so you and the kids could stay put? You'll get cm from your dh and now your youngest is at school you can look for work.

It does sound like things are over and it's best to split now while you can be amicable than trudging on getting more resentful towards each other.

You need to concentrate on other areas of your life, find a full time job you enjoy, so you can get a mortgage. For your sanity it would be best to separate with your partner, there's no love between you but you can still be friends and co-parent.
Lose the coke head, when you have your life sorted then look for a much men to date.

Much better men!