Am I being unreasonable?

[Ac90]

Hi all,

So I'm kind of at a loss and needing some advice. I feel like I'm a terrible person but at the same time I feel I deserve more, so in order to explain I will start from the beginning.

I have two beautiful daughters one is 12 years old and the other is only 3 months old. First one was to a previous partner but doesn't keep in touch etc. I have been with my 3 month olds dad for around 9 years now.

When we first got together like every relationship it is amazing and all perfect. It was amazing up until around 2-3 years when he lost his job and I had to finically support him due to not claiming anything from the government etc. That part was fine with me and was able to support no problem. He started to become a little depressed and stuff then he found enjoyment in gaming on the Xbox which I never really bothered at first until it became the only thing he done. He laid in bed all day everyday started playing mmo games everyday and night. As I work 12 hour -17 hour shifts in the hospital I kind of thought I deserved a little help around the house or at the very least for him to make me a coffee which he hasn't done in about 3 years now.

When I feel pregnant last year, I thought maybe he will help out a bit more or be there emotionally but he continued to play online games with random people from around the world. When I asked him to come off his game to watch a movie or spend time with me, he told me later or that he is spending time with me by sitting in the same room. So whilst I was pregnant and working throughout the nights I would send a text asking how he was or how my oldest was etc and sometimes, well most tim s I never got a reply and when I did it would be like 4-5 hours later knowing fine well I cycled to work or walked to work which is 7 miles from my house. He never offered to drive even whilst I was pregnant.
Anyways the pregnancy was very stressful and emotionally I felt awful and drained with a few times him telling me to get the fook out of the house. I walked about the streets for a few hours upset and 7 months pregnant with a suit case and my daughter (also upset) and the dog. So I text him asking if I could come back home which eventually he hesitatingly did let me come back. Most of the pregnancy I slept on the sofa due to arguments. I know I shouldn't have begged to come back but because he wasn't working at the time I didn't want to leave as all the bills etc. Eventually made back up and then be good for a few days to weeks then went shit again with no time spent with each other or communicating.
When we do argue I'm always the one trying to save the relationship and he bare takes any responsibility which I know is hard for some people. I only ask him to spend a few nights a week off his game and spend with his family but it never comes first.

So when I had my 3 month old in December I had to get an emergency c section which I really didn't want as I knew I would have to do everything but had to be done. Anyways, I was left to continue to clean, cook, doing laundry, walk the dog etc whilst trying to prepare the house for Christmas along with doing the Christmas shopping. I asked him for help and it was I will do it later and later never came so I had to go the loft 4 days after having a c section and bring down Christmas decorations and things whilst wrapping present and cooking Christmas dinner and breastfeeding a newborn who wanted fed every hour and I couldn't express. I eventually last 6 weeks with the breastfeeding and put her onto formula. He still hasn't fed her, changed a nappy or gave her a bath. He started a new job in October which is Monday -Friday 8-5pm. He manage to get paternity leave when I first had her which it was spent playing a game with his online friends.

So it continues, as soon as he finishes work he comes home and goes up the the bedroom and plays his online games with his online friends until like 12am sometimes 3am every single week day and then at the weekends he plays it until 4ish in the morning and sleeps most of the day then wakes up and goes back on his game with his mic. I have asked for help and also asked if he can put some time a side for us all but he doesn't and keeps saying stuff like I'm being unreasonable, or that I am being needy or possessive and a new one now is I'm being toxic as he is alwaYs on his mic and I'm asking him to come off it. Oh and btw yes I am a little jealous as all his time is spent talking to a female and texting this female on discord even though she has a boyfriend.
Anyways hopefully this makes sense, I just want to know if I am being unreasonable or selfish for asking him to help out and for once think of his family. He spends all of 5-10 minutes with them.
Thanks anyways for reading

A

Surely you don't need to ask if you're the selfish one. Why did you have a baby with this waste of space.

Of course YANBU, why are you still with him? It sounds like he has zero redeeming qualities and you'd be better off on your own.

YANBU at all.

I hope you writing all this down has made you realise what a selfish ignorant pig you are living with. You need to get out now for your sanity and that of your daughters, you don't want them to think this is acceptable behaviour as a partner and father surely?

You can do this, OP.

Kick him out, you aren't saving a relationship, because you aren't in one. He isn't your partner, he isn't supporting or loving you, or being a parent, he is living in the same building as you is all. Wandering the streets with your daughter is appalling, hugely traumatic to her, what she is learning from you here is damaging and wrong. End it, get him away from your children. Its already over.

This is really horrible.
He is horrible.
I think you know that he is the selfish one and you need something better than a man who thinks it’s ok to talk to his partner like shit, throw the mother of his child, and an actual child out onto the street and spends all his time playing games.
While you sort things out like a new place to live you can stop doing anything for him, no cooking no washing no food shopping for him. He is stuck in a bedroom so at least he won’t be making mess in the rest of house.
Also, and normally I would not advise this but due to to you supporting him for three years-and he did not even get benefits to contribute. Only pay the bills in your name, stop paying into any shared accounts, don’t give him any money. You need the money to set up home with the children. Don’t feel guilty, I bet he didn’t.
With regards to the female friend ‘who has a boyfriend’ be grateful that his attention is elsewhere, she can put up with his lazy arse.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite

Surely you don't need to ask if you're the selfish one. Why did you have a baby with this waste of space.

Falling pregnant was not intentional, I asked because I keep second guessing myself that maybe I am being silly and over thinking it and then when I think about trying to leave I just wasn't ready, maybe I'm scared to leave I don't lnow. I know I have to make that decision on my own.

Kick him out, you’re life will be so much easier

He has already made that decision, or you can't you see that? He isn't your partner, never was, he moved in, got you pregnant, never contributed, you are not a couple, he is taking advantage of you. You are living in an emotionally abusive situation with two kids and the longer you let this go on the more harm you are choosing to allow harm happen to yourself and them. There is nothing to rescue here.

OP,
Please see a solicitor and find out what your legal situation is with regard to housing and entitlements.

Then get rid of this idle, waste of space you are currently living with.

And for goodness sake do not have another child with him.

@itsmschanandlerbong

Of course YANBU, why are you still with him? It sounds like he has zero redeeming qualities and you'd be better off on your own.

I'm unsure why I am still with him, I know I love him but I think it's just hard to start a fresh and admit that it's over. That's probably the main reason. When I build up the courage to leave then I think what happens if he can't afford something. I know that's probably not the best way to think and probably not my worry but I do.

What is the situation re the house?. Is there a mortgage in place or do you rent?. Is he named on any rental agreement?.

Did you give your baby your surname rather than his?.

Firm up your plans to leave this person asap. Rebuild your life without him in it. I would also look into getting some counselling for your own self re self esteem and boundaries.

He's a piece of shit isn't he? Time to do right by you and your children op

This was over the first time he did not step up to the plate and expected you to do all the donkey work.

His needs are not more important than yours and your comment too makes me think you are codependent in relationships. You've basically mixed up love here with codependency.

Where he goes going forward is actually not your problem. You are only responsible for your own self and in turn your children, your eldest has seen more than enough poor relationship examples already. What do you think she in particular is learning about relationships here?. You would not want this for her and you deserve better too.

Omg that is all shocking. You can’t call it a relationship if he gives you and his baby five minutes a day and contributes nothing else.

Unfortunately he sounds like the type of person who will do what he can get away with. He has no reason to change because it sounds like his life is very cushy with you doing everything. Regardless of how you feel,you owe it to your children to never be in the situation where you are walking the streets with a suitcase again. Separate formally and as you have paid most of the bills the past few years, make sure he leaves.

I hope you have a support network around you. Maybe confide in others what's been going on so friends are ready to help out if needed.

When I build up the courage to leave then I think what happens if he can't afford something. I know that's probably not the best way to think and probably not my worry but I do.

Tough love time.

You're putting him before your children.

Because them growing up witnessing this dynamic is teaching them such damaging lessons about relationships and normalising a man emotionally abusing and completely taking for granted the woman he is in a relationship. Normalising a woman having to work full time AND do ALL childcare, cooking and cleaning. Even when she's just had a c-section.

Your 12 year old has seen their mum return from hospital after having major abdominal surgery and have to care for a new baby while doing everything else too. What do you think that teaches her? That it's normal and that's what women are meant to do. When the opposite is true.

The longer you stay the more likely she'll end up with a man like him too. Being exhausted, belittled and broken by someone refusing to contribute meaningfully to family life. Living a half life. Could you live with yourself if you saw history repeating itself? Wouldn't it be unbearable? That's why you need to end this 'relationship' which is in fact just you facilitating a man doing fuck all outside of work hours despite being a parent.

I'm shocked you got pregnant, even if accidentally, as I can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone who treated me so appallingly.

You're clearly a grafter and a trooper. But you're being a martyr staying in this relationship and that is so harmful for kids to witness.

You say you worry about the effects on him if you go.

Start focusing on the effects on your children if you stay.

Im angry for you. Please dont waste another ounce of energy wondering if you are not being reasonable. Your only 'crime' here is being far to reasonable. Sadly youve been the boiled frog, the water temp (abuse) has just slowly increased over time till now you are being boiled alive by this dreadful person. Please use your energy to extract you and your children from this nightmare person before he destroys their lives too.
And look up 'sunk costs fallacy' - there is no going back, it will just get worse and worse and the cost to yourself and your children will get higher and higher. Get out now.

Is there any medical reason why you don't drive? I would make that my first priority, in your shoes. If you can drive, you can live elsewhere, get to work and get around without depending on other people or on public transport.

Is your name on the mortgage / tenancy?

The example you are setting for your eldest child is absolutely horrific. You are showing her that this kind of dysfunction and abuse is normal.

Hi
It sounds like your a lovely person and he is taking advantage of your kindness. Its time for you to be selfish and put yours and your two daughters needs first. You sound very independent and I think you would thrive without him holding you down. He is not putting you first or second. The only person that can make changes is you.
I have two daughters too it's a blessing, if your partner has mental health issues do they need that romodel in there life as they see you accepting his behaviour.
Good luck x