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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriends been lying about his ex

12 replies

Dippyeggs3 · 02/04/2022 22:13

I suppose you could say it's my own fault. When I first met my boyfriend he was still friends with his ex. He had been suicidal the year before and she had remained there for him whilst he was going through a bad time. I tried my best to just see that as the reason they had to remain so close. I always respect it it but but it got to a point where I realised there was potential risk that he wasn't over her. He just mentioned her a lot. But also no he didn't seem to want to show me off on Facebook but he always used to show her off. When we first got together as she started sending harsh messages to him about me and he blocked it for a while full stop you then told me a month later they were messaging through WhatsApp but he insisted they were just friends. I remember of sitting down for a couple of hours one night and I asked loads of questions and and I did believe that he was over here after that conversation. He explained why they didn't work and what things she did and he did to contribute to the relationship failing. She finally dropped off the seen about 5 months ago as far as I was aware. We've been a lot happier and she's not mentioned very often and I finally felt like we were proper couple. Just a couple of days ago I asked him if you ever hear from her anymore and he denied it. He says no I can't remember the last time we spoke. I have no reason to doubt him and I was sort of relieved of that they both had finally moved away from each other a bit as I feel they were still emotionally involved.

He went for a bath today day-to-day left his phone next to me on the sofa. His screen lit up with her name and a WhatsApp message with a screen preview. She had told him to always be happy and not cry at the memories. Rightly or wrongly clicked on on the message to see why she sent it. Last night he had laid in bed and sent her songs that reminded him of her and told her to listen to them too. He told her that he felt sad thinking of the memories. I scroll up a few more messages and they were engaging in regular conversations about day-to-day things like their cars and he was very chatty with her considering he tells me he hates messages. What's good out to me was his messages to her seem more affectionate and warm and genuine than mine. All this is really hurt me because I've been helping him sort out a house and I've been supporting him through a very difficult time as he's losing his home and he's had to stop working due to chronic back pain. If it wasn't for me his dog won't be walked sometimes and he's struggle for food and many other things. I've been really good to him and I thought it was because we were in a loving relationship.

I went upstairs and said to him I'm going home. He asked me why and I said the messages between you and your ex. He said you would must have been on my phone phone to see any messages. I said to him why why are you still? Why don't you end it with me me because clearly you are still in the past with your ex. I've given you so many chances to tell me the truth if you still have feelings for her. If you had told me you still had feelings for her we could have talked about it and figured out with our relationship can work. I feel like you've completely lied to me me. He told me to get out because now I've gone through his phone he didn't want any more to do with me me. I said to him that they need to make a decision whether they want to get back together before they bring anybody else into this mess.

I just introduce my kids to him last week and I honestly thought we will build in a future up. He hasn't answered his phone since I've left and he's completely not said anything. This is been a big lie for a relationship that he's clearly not been honest with me about. I just don't know how to feel I begged him to tell me if there was still feelings there. I know there's not much anyone can say but I really want to talk it through

OP posts:
MostlyOk · 02/04/2022 22:21

You have absolutely fine the right thing by confronting him and then leaving. Also, you did absolutely nothing wrong. He told you point blank he'd not been in touch with her and the minute her name popped up on his screen, the lie was revealed. You didn't go looking for it, so don't let him gaslight you like that.

There's just nothing you can do now apart from go cold turkey, no calls, texts or contact. If he wants to talk, he'll reach out. I think you've handled it perfectly.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/04/2022 22:45

I’m so sorry- clearly he liked you and liked the company but had unfinished business— I think many men are like this

spotcheck · 02/04/2022 22:50

He hasn't answered his phone since I've left

Stop calling him

Stop trying yourself up in knots over this man who relies on you to look after him. He's been dishonest- for months. Is there really anywhere else to go with it?

PeacefulPottering · 02/04/2022 23:03

He obviously hasn't left his previous relationship in the past despite what he tells you. Sending songs to her is not a good sign. My question is though, are you going along with the drama? Are you feeding into it? By that I mean as the new partner" forbidding," contact? You are unwittingly being the outsider. My advice is to take no part whatsoever in thier obviously ongoing drama, call it a day and find someone who doesn't do this, quite frankly, juvenile shit .

Moser85 · 02/04/2022 23:16

Don't call him anymore.
You're begging him to tell you if there's still feelings there even though you saw it clearly with your own eyes.

This man doesn't have respect for you. He allowed you to introduce him to your children even though he's not all in with you, he's still caught up in his ex.

He also then pulled that other dickhead move where you looking at his phone is somehow a bigger betrayal than what he's done to you....even though you only looked because something incriminating popped up after he blatantly lied to you the other day.

NotaCoolMum · 02/04/2022 23:23

You definitely need to stop calling him and you definitely should not have considered a relationship with a man who is obviously still so emotionally invested in his ex. I hope you manage to move on. He’s a jerk and you deserve much better

Glitteringduck · 03/04/2022 00:28

Honestly you dodged a bullet here, who wants to be tied down to a man with no job, homeless and secretly messages his ex while you walk his dog. Balls to that!! Never settle for second best. Flowers

AgentJohnson · 03/04/2022 02:38

This man is an emotional leech. Never beg someone to tell you the truth, he clearly likes the attention of multiple women. Lick your wounds but do not look back!

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 06:59

Just block him and try to keep busy with your kids and move on. You do not need all this drama in your life and the start of a relationship should be great but this is so full of lies and deceit and drama. You can do so much better and just spend time on your own now and read up about boundaries and take any new relationship in the future slower. Please do not contact him again as he has shown you who he is and these red flags are a warning to just run from him. He sounds immature and selfish and him and her have had this little connection and messages and that would have me fuming so would block and never contact or be in touch with him again. Why would you want a man like that, he is not a good role model for your children with all his issues and then the lies. Sorry you are going through this but you will get over him. Anyone who has just broken up with an ex is not ready for a relationship and he just could not be on his own but they were always in contact. How could you ever have respect for him again. Do not bring this drama into your children's lives as he will never change.

Mumof3confused · 03/04/2022 08:02

Don’t call him. Block him. You’re worth so much more. He let you introduce your kids to him and support him while he was still messaging his Ex pathetic love songs. What an awful, awful man.

gonnabeok · 03/04/2022 08:15

You were his 2nd choice OP. My ex told his girlfriend a load of lies- we were separated, he was on holiday with our daughter alone, etc - in fact, we were together and on holiday together! Poor woman I told her the truth - I binned him, then she binned him.Serves him right.He's with someone else now who no doubt he will be lying to about his past. Leave him to it. She is probably playing him as much as he is playing her. You deserve so much better.Stay strong.

Ipadflowers · 03/04/2022 08:33

I’m sorry this has happened, I don’t understand all the begging him to tell you if he has feelings for her, you know he has you saw it, he’s still in love with her and he’s treated you very badly. Telling you to get out like that.

You need to accept it’s over. Please try to not beg to go back. You cannot be the consolation prize,it will kill your self esteem knowing he prefers someone else.

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