Today I discovered just how abusive my best friends dh is..

[Umbellypico]

I'm not sure how to handle it. It's not my marriage so I need to keep my nose out but I'm appalled. My friend has been having counselling, he only went once & refuses to engage otherwise. I feel really horrible that my friend feels unable to leave. She feels she's setting a good example to the dc of parents working through their problems rather than quitting. I said exactly the same before I got strong enough to leave. All I can do is be here for her I guess. I'm sick of seeing so much toxic male behaviour and so many co-dependent, financially weak women without family support.

The 'technique' that I see on here a lot which I think is really effective is to ask "what would you tell me / your daughter if I were in your situation" and generally the answer is "I'd tell you to run a mile" as it seems to help people face up to the reality when looking from a 3rd perspective.

Also could you try to get her to sign up to the freedom programme?

‘Couples counselling’ left me far too long in an abusive relationship. If she is doing individual counselling hopefully she will I drift for herself of the need to leave.
I emphasise with your concerns about your friend, but she needs to make the decision for herself. By having open lines of communication with her, when she does confide in issues, or you observe very concerning behaviour, you can offer her information about resources available or help her understand the toxicity of his behaviour.

What you are observing is all too common. I feel desperately sad about this too

I have been in your situation; that moment when he showed his true colours in front of me left me very cold and deeply troubled.

I'm sick of seeing so much toxic male behaviour and so many co-dependent, financially weak women without family support.

This. So much this.

I often read comments on social media when 'toxic masculinity' is talked about leading to this current crisis (which I think it is) and all the men will come out crying that women are no better and what about toxic femininity'..?

What they don't seem to get is that this is toxic femininity. The co-dependancy; the believing they are doing the right thing and setting good examples; the trying to fix, accommodate, tolerate and justify verbal, physical and mental VAWG - this is what toxic femininity looks like.