Feeling very low following emotional abuse

[canapesforlunch]

I recently told my husband it was over after years of quite serious abuse. He’s still around (we’ve got kids) and I feel quite traumatised to see him. Abuse works by telling you you’re living in a different reality, and now I’ve chosen to believe my reality (that it’s been awful enough to leave) I find him very difficult to cope with. Everything, even good behaviour, feels like lies.

I feel low and very, very lonely. I can’t seem to get my spirits up. I know I can go to the doctor, but I am actually posting to see if anyone had any experience or insight on this kind of pain- leaving an emotionally abusive relationship with all the confusing lovebombing, devaluing, narcissism, fury and occasional violence/sexual abuse. Do you know why it feels so painful to make this decision. Thanks

Bump

I think it's because it's confusing to have loved someone, who then becomes a kind of enemy. It makes you question your own judgement, and it's hard to shake the sense you're responsible for it to some degree. Also, you've been psychologically manipulated,and it takes time to extract yourself from that, and get your own head back together.

I've been divorced from my narcissistic xh for nearly 4 years. We actually work together now, and can spend time together but only because I've got to a place where I can see the real him, and ignore it. He comes across as a lovely, friendly, helpful guy, and he really can be, but there is another side that few people see.

I am always suspicious of him, I know he lies but they don't generally affect me anymore. He still tries to gaslight me, but I know the truth. But this is down the line, initially it was so so hard so I really think time is the only healer.

I have a great support network, people who think I'm amazing, a hard worker, a good mother, and they help me remember the truth, not the version I was fed for years

I'm sorry for what you're going through but also big massive well done for finding strength to decide your own reality. I have been coming to terms with something similar and also feel low and lonely often. It is hard to really explain. My theory is time will help the healing process and it is important to find support. I did some therapy which helped. Could you try that? It is a very traumatic thing to experience: Now I'm trying to focus on what 'a new life' might be and what inspires me. Maybe that is something to focus on - things that bring you energy and make you feel good. Could you plan some nice things for yourself?

I have good days and bad days and I'm sure it will be the same for you too. Not sure if you feel this still, but I also still find myself confused all the time. I think this is the most maddening and lonely thing. The sense of confusion. I'm pretty sure more experienced posters will have more wisdom and inspiration from getting out of these situations. But I hear you

This is my forte sadly.

I would advise you to get in to the practice of self-compassion. There's a lot healing to be done and after the initial processing, it can even be interesting and enjoyable. But right now, be really kind to yourself.

I recommend the self-compassion work book by Kristen Neff phd and Christopher Germer phd. I've also listen to all of Kristen's books on audible, but I got the hard copy for the work book and did the exercises and the intentions.

it's not all ''woooooo''. There are practical considerations, it talks about the yin and yang of self-compassion which I found interesting.

Soothing yourself and validating yourself and believing in your own interpretation of events might be the yin but protecting yourself and setting a boundary and motivating yourself to take a difficult decision that you know is right for you is the yang.

I watch a lot of youtube videos and I really rate Anna Runkle the crappy childhood fairy. Also, Patrick Teahan and Jay Reid.

They stopped me obsessing over ''narcissists'' which is pointless. They helped me identify the wounds that existed in me and helped me figure out how to sooth myself, heal those wounds.

Basically if you have an abandonment wound, commit to being there for yourself. Supporting yourself. Putting your needs first. Trusting in yourself to be there for yourself and be kind to yourself. Similar stuff for a shame wound. Honour yourself. Do the right thing. Be kind to yourself be direct not passive. Honour your experience of an event. Honour your reaction t that. For the betrayal wound, show yourself the loyalty of believing in your own interpretation of events.

There's so much out there that's so helpful and although the self help genre is much maligned there is no shortage of books from authors with phds!

First be kind to yourself though. What would you say to you if you were your own dear friend ?? When you've figured that out, Condense that in to a mantra and then repeat it to yourself. something short like you deserved better than this but you are strong enough to recover from this and I will be rooting for you all the way.

There are so many wonderful books out there. But I had a tendency to devour them in an intellectual way and yet not feel much better. It's only in the last few years that I've realised i need to be looping in the physical reaction.

Thank you so much for these very thoughtful answers. @lanbro I’m amazed you manage to work together, that’s amazing. I think it is as pp says, he feels (and has been) a real enemy. He’s said he hates me and I’m all sort of bad things.

@sortmyselfout yes, the confusion is huge.
It even interferes with work. It’s so hard that nobody knows how huge a thing I’ve been through.

@Joy247 I’m so sorry you have such deep experience of this. You sound like you have a lot of insight. So much useful advice and stuff to follow up in your post, thank you for being so generous with your time.

@canapesforlunch last year in restrictions when our business could only operate as a takeaway was really tough, just the 2 of us for nearly 3 months with the dc homeschooling - I couldn't go through that again. Now, we've at least 4 people working with us daily so there's a buffer. If we didn't have dc I could've cut ties but our income is tied together, and it's all for the family, so I've got to a place where it works, but like I say, it's taken a lot of time.

My personality is that I'm reasonable to a fault, and very much glass half full, and I can get away from him completely at the end of the working day! But by far the biggest help is my support network so I hope you I have good people around you

I'm a few weeks out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm also struggling to come to terms with things, it's not easy!

You feel bad because you've been conditioned to feel this way.

Well done for getting out, @MissingOutOnLife

I would agree with nurturing yourself. Even in small ways. Reconnecting with the things that made me 'me' that I'd suppressed for him, helped. Cooking, the film's I like , walking , music... anything.

I definitely read a lot about narcissists. I did find it helpful to try and understand. There comes a point though when as pp said, that's about him and not you. I don't need to know any more.

I'm years down the line now. I'm still working on me. I still have therapy. I got a lot better at boundaries and not being a people pleaser.

You've done the hardest step. Each day now is a day closer to a better life and further away from the one that you were lost in. You'll be ok.

That’s very helpful advice, thank you. I’m glad you’ve found ways to get better and begin repairing your real self