Long post but I am need a perspective
I raised my 15 year old twins on my own since they were 4. We have a great relationship and they turned out perfect in every possible way. I dedicated my life to raising them and I enjoyed it so much! We did all sorts of things when they were small, travelled, and did a lot of fun activities. I never felt alone and never missed having a man in my life. I had a couple of short term relationships but they were not serious and I didn’t even think of introducing them to my kids. Now that they are teenagers and more independent I started feeling lonely so I went out to the dating world. I met a man a year ago, he is also a single dad with 100% care of his kids and it all felt right. I fell in love and ready to introduce him to my kids. My kids took well the fact that I am dating a man and it coincided with their own first dating experiences and we had some interesting talks.
I am also the first woman my partner dates since breaking up with his kids’ mum 4 years ago. His kids are younger than mine, primary age.
So far so good but oh my God, I thought dating in our 40s would be easy. I am constantly stressed and sad. He loves me but he is so traumatised by his past and has severe ADHD and it is unbearable for me. We have our good moments and we both love each other a lot, but he is so dysfunctional that he has broken me. He is constantly anxious. He never has enough time to spend with me and I don’t feel like his priority. At the same time I feel so loved and he appears so vulnerable. This is very consistent with his severe ADHD and potentially other undiagnosed conditions but it affects my life on a day to day basis.
For example, due to his inability to plan anything I am perpetually on hold waiting to hear if he can see me. I may have to wait weeks, days or hours to have a final answer for a plan we try to make. Most of the times its a last minute “no”, meaning that I didn’t make any plans waiting to hear from him only for him to tell me one hour before our planned meeting that he can’t come. He was supposed to join me on holidays twice and he cancelled last minute. He is always late and when I try to put boundaries (ie tell him that I will leave after an hour) he gets angry and says I put pressure on him. This is making me feel so stressed and disrespected. Also the fact that he hasn’t involved me much in his life. I have barely met his kids, go to his house rarely and haven’t met anyone in his life. We spent most of our time in my house around my kids. He doesn’t have any friends and never has any people in his house, other kids included, so he struggles with that with me, but I am the opposite and I see it as a rejection and I don’t understand his hesitation. He grew up in a household that they were very isolated and he seems very influenced by his mum, so I can rationalise that, but is it too much to accept that if my partner feels comfortable around my house and family that I should feel the same? I understand that he may need more time, but there doesn’t seem to be a plan. For example yesterday he had to attend a work meeting from his car and he asked a neighbour to look after his kids in the playground. It hurt that he didn’t ask me and asked a random person. He says he doesn’t know how to introduce his kids to me, yet the few times we have briefly met we got on really well. Tbf without meeting his kids its impossible to have a fully functioning relationship because he never has time.
There is so much love between us yet there is a lot of hurt. In my mind our problems are easy to solve, I don’t ask for much, I want us to have a normal relationship like so many other people in our age do, feel comfortable around our families, have a sense of partnership and plan things together with our without our kids and emotional security. I don’t want marriage or cohabitation as its not on the best interest of our kids. I want to maintain our independence but still share our lives.
I don’t like the person I have become, nagging, unsatisfied, stressed and angry all the time. I find my self feeling jealous of other couples. I went out with my friends last night and I felt in tears every time I saw a couple having fun and looking close. We never had a night out. Its such a simple thing. Being with him is like being constantly with the loss of him, I am constantly missing him and crave time together. We meet almost exclusively during working hours as we both WFH. I am not happy with only that. My weekends are free and I don’t want to be spending them always with my friends only.
I know that he can’t give me what I want not because he doesn’t want to but he doesn’t know how. I know that the only way of breaking this unhealthy circle of unhappiness is dive straight into it by breaking up with him and start healing. I find it so hard though. I love him so much and yet being with and without him is so painful.
Now, the last proper relationship I had was with my kids’ dad, we were together for 9 years, but I was in my 20s then. It was a good drama free relationship, even our separation was drama free. Then I land in this relationship now and I am wondering is it me, is it him or is it how dating in our 40s with kids supposed to be like?