Apologies for the long post, but trying to put everything relevant in here and not drip feed later.
Married 12 years. 2 primary school aged children. Youngest has a chronic health condition (diagnosed 2 years ago). Clinicians now questioning neuro-diversity and possibly genetic condition underlying. We go through phases of not a lot happening and getting on with our lives and then a raft of appointments. It doesn't help she is under various teams and no one communicates with each other (our community paediatrician is nowhere to be seen).
Me and DH both have big jobs (FT), but I earn about 50% more then him. I regularly work evenings and weekends.
I married DH because he was easy-going and funny. I had had some intense boyfriends before this. I thnk there was also an element that I was glad someone wanted to marry me.
I carry the mental load in our marriage. My DH is one of those people who if you tell him what to do, he will do it, but has no initiative. He wouldn't think to do a weekly shop (unless he wanted something from the supermarket), he would have no idea when the children need dentist appointments etc. I organise everything.
My DH is also terrible with money and has previously got into debt, which we then have had to clear, and he lied about this. I am in control of the purse strings.
He is a terrible communicator and can get grumpy and then you have to figure out why. He is not good if I am ill, but can also be funny and kind. Friends and family love him. He does school runs. He will take children to appointments if I let them know where they are etc. If I said now can you go to the shop and get x and y, he would happily do it.
We are going through a phase of appointments. My DH is doing his normal, which is effectively to put his head in the sand. We had a big hospital appointment earlier in the week. He had volunteer activities straight after, but I stayed up so we could discuss the options we could take. He came to bed and fell asleep. We then had to go to school the next lunchtime to discuss where we were. He spent all morning in his office. I had taken an hour out to highlight things etc, but he just literally came down as we needed to go on a phone call. In the meeting he clearly felt he should contribute and just added things like "yes I think the doctor wasn't particularly good", which may be the case, but doesn't take us anywhere.
I have repeatedly told him I need a partner and I need him to be more proactive. I have given examples - so re the appointment I was saying I needed him to sit down with me and talk about our options. I have diarised chats and he literally will sit there in silence when I ask his thoughts on what we should do.
I am exhausted carrying the mental load. I don't want platitudes of, "I'll support your decision". I want him to be proactive and suggest things himself.
I was speaking to a friend today in despair (I think the straw being when completing a questionnaire on our child he suggested we toss a coin between 2 options as I wasn't sure which one was most accurate about her abilities). I said how the issue is our marriage is fine when times are good, but we don't do the sickness and bad times well and she said, "because you can deal with everything on your own in the fine times, but when times aren't good and you need someone he isn't there. So not only are you dealing with all the stress you have the sadness of an unsupportive and unequal partnership", and she's right. That's exactly how I feel.
So where next counselling for myself? I feel like I almost have to accept if I stay in this marriage he will never be the partner I need in bad times and how to deal with that, without ending up in arguments, which go nowhere and lead to no change.
Marriage therapy? My concern with marriage therapy is he will say all the right things to the therapist (yes I need to change, I feel bad etc) and I think in that moment will mean them and nothing will change.
Or just call it a day? I don't think I can face that at the moment, I literally don't have the brain capacity and I am not sure my life would be easier. My DH does do things: school runs, laundry etc. We earn well, but we would have to sell the house. I am not sure I could do my job without him around (I sometimes have to travel).