My husband was diagnosed with neurodivergence 12 months ago. He is high functioning so I guess what used to be known as Aspergers.
He is very honest, steady, practically reliable most of the time, very loyal until one of his special interests consume him and then he would drop us like a hot potato, does an equal share of the domestic work, works hard, I know he would never cheat on me.
BUT
At 35 years old, I'm questioning whether I actually want a future with him. Practically, he's hands on at home and mostly with the children, but mentally and emotionally, I find things very difficult. Everything is a calculation with him, love doesn't flow naturally. Even the most joyful news from myself or the children is met with a blank expression. He's not too interested in sex, he's very insular and spends a lot of time on his own watching netflix or doing his special interests. I have to remind him if we've barely spent any time together which makes me feel taken for granted as he clearly doesn't particularly need me.
If we go out with friends, he will spend his time taking the piss out of me as it's the only way he really knows how to be funny. I have stopped going out with him and friends at the same time. He'll drink too much because he's quite shy and struggles to fit in. Everything is about being socially acceptable and right for him, so he hardly says anything unless he's drinking and then all jokes are about me. I find it stressful and demeaning. He always apologises and says he'll stop doing it but does it again. I'm quite controversial in my conversation and I find it funny to be so, he finds it difficult as in his mind, I'm not following the socially acceptable rules so he'll pull me up. If he doesn't like what I'm talking about, he'll tell me so infront of people. This could of course be entirely unrelated to his diagnosis.
I have to state the obvious a lot and if I dare to be too ill to care for the children (for example) and he has something hobby related planned, he'll not speak to me for days if he hasn't been able to go. I realise that this may be personality related as opposed to autism related. I even have to prove why I'm tired sometimes if it doesn't match up with what he wants to do. He'll get easily side tracked by other things when the children are tired and need to go to bed, I have to manage his time a lot which is exhausting. I think he also has a bit of ADHD.
He's not great at picking up emotional cues from myself or the children. He can be very neglectful from that point of view. Even when going through the death of my father, he made sure he still had time to go and do his hobby. He'll say things like "well it's not like I can DO anything." He doesn't get that sometimes, we just need him to be there for us. He left me throwing up with a horrible sickness bug, raging water infection and a badly pulled stomach muscle at 8 months pregnant, whilst caring for a 3 year old (who was in bed asleep) because he couldn't DO anything.
I find it anxiety inducing sometimes how he can be helpful one minute and then completely neglectful the next. When the children were babies, he was hands on until something better came along and then it would all be left to me. The inconsistent 'help" I was getting really messed with my mental health. And it's left questions around whether or not I can trust him.
We've had relationship counselling and it became apparent that he needed to work on some of his behaviours. He is more self aware now, but when he's being more considerate, he's obviously following 'rules' set by the counsellor and not really doing it because he wants to.
I often feel quite lonely and uncared for. I have built up my own hobbies since our second child became less needy, I see friends, but it still hasn't filled the vacuums that are left by my marriage to my husband. In the past, he used to say that it wasn't his problem that my parents had moved abroad and couldn't help me more. He seems to have the view that parents are there to pick up any slack, even as adults. When they do visit, he'll go off and do his hobbies rather than spend time with them as he thinks he's relieved from doing any family duties. He's a user.
His parents, I suspect, are also neurodivergent and I've had to put up with a lot from them also. I've had to erect a lot of boundaries much to my husband's bafflement and disappointment at times.
I often feel very disappointed myself, that this is marriage life. It feels a bit joyless and loveless. He's very serious and it's hard to be playful or flirtatious, difficult to joke around with him. He tried much more before we married and had our children but he's become extremely complacent and by his own admittance, takes me for granted at times. He doesn't really laugh much. Even on holidays, he is quite cold and clinical. I think he harbours resentment when he is having to focus solely on our family unit and can't pursue his independent interests, but he would argue that this isn't the case.
I didn't have a stable home life as a child, which is what makes this decision so difficult as despite all of this, I have stability for myself and our children which means an awful lot to me. I know my standards for a relationship are possibly lower because of this.
The children are 4 and 8.
He's been trying much harder since we had relationship counselling, but it feels very forced. I know he's following the 'rules' suggested by the counsellor, as opposed to doing things out of love, or thought himself. When asked why we wanted to stay together, the first reason he gave was "it would be better for us financially." Before anything else. This has played on my mind since.
I know that, if we separate and divorce and then I meet someone else who cheats, or life is really difficult as a single mum, I may well regret leaving him. I also worry about his ability to "care" for the children properly as he doesn't pick up on illness or hazards easily. One example is when I asked him to check the fire alarms one year and he said "there's no point, they have no batteries in them."
I asked why and he said "well, they were beeping and irritating me."
Stuff like this.
I also know that if I met someone else whilst with my husband, who was more caring and loving, I'm not sure that I would avoid having an affair in all honesty.
Do other people ever feel like this?
Is the grass likely to be greener if I leave him?