How do you know when it’s time to call quits?

[needmorethanthis]

I’ve been married a long time and have small children. We’ve had our ups and downs like most marriages but my husband has gone completely cold on me. He does the bare minimum with emotional intimacy. He doesn’t hug me or kiss me and if we’re in bed together he’s as far across the other side as possible. There’s no other woman but he makes no effort with me at all. What would everyone else do in this situation please?

When you are thinking that you just don't want to be there any more. I had been like it for ages, couldn't stand being in the same room as him & then one day I snapped & left him.

Are you happier now?

When mine went like that I was absolutely rock solid certain there was no other woman because he wasn’t like that. There was.

What I did; tell him what's bothering you and share ideas in how to address it. Agree to sort it out. Over and over for a few years, but nothing changes despite effort being made (albeit mostly by you), until you finally break and then divorce, but be blamed for initiating the divorce and be perceived as not having made effort to sort it out.

I'm OK, it was 12 years ago, I met someone else but he sadly passed away 7 years ago. I'm happy on my own, ds is 18 now & we get on well together.

Having children can really test the emotional side of a relationship. After my second child was born we never got a sex life going again and we just parented. It got to the point where we slept apart and the thought of even kissing him was a huge nope.

You walk away if you know you don't want those things. If you still want those things then you need to make a cuppa and sit down and talk. Make him see how you feel and ask him how he feels about the relationship. Hopefully then you can sort things. Good luck

Have an honest conversation. Go to marriage counselling to see if it can be worked on or saved. If not then use the counsellor to discuss how you will split.
You both owe it to your kids to have properly explored all options before walking away.

You don't owe anyone anything. Chances are he's having an affair. If not, he's trying to freeze you out of the relationship and make you do the 'dirty work' of putting an end to it. Go through the motions - ask him to talk, if he's willing to 'try' and you want to, give it a go. But meanwhile get those famous ducks in a row - you can always put any plans aside if all turns out well with the husband. It sounds over to me. Start working in your future.

I also wouldn't dismiss the idea of him being involved with someone else. It's really obvious to see these patterns when you're out the other side. Mine did this. Became very distant and slept as far as possible across the other side of the bed. That was the first sign something was badly wrong. It's incredibly cruel. I'm two years out from leaving him. I do get lonely and I find it hard but I have no regrets. A sense of purpose has kept me going and valuing my time and my life. Wishing you all the best. It's a tough decision.

I’ve had enough of this shit. A crap marriage is the worst thing in the world

Being single is 1000 times better than being in a crap marriage.

Being unhappily married means that resentment, upset, lack of control, lack of confidence, questionning yourself are all part of your every day.

Being single, you can create your own calm and happy home, do what you want when you want, not be tip-toeing around someone else's moods, be on control of who you are. If you want to, it can also mean you're available to look for a good relationship in the longer term.

Noone deserves to feel unloved in their own home. It's the worst thing.

I agree about crap marriages being -well - crap! You have all the hassle factors still but little if the good stuff and feel obliged to spend virtually all your spare time with someone you no longer really want to be with , as well as housekeeping for them if he’s not that way inclined himself. It’s easy to say don’t do it- but then you end up with living in a pit yourself

How do I end this with small kids involved? How do I rebuild a happy life at my age?

"How do I end this with small kids involved? How do I rebuild a happy life at my age?"

Support from others is vital. Open up about your situation to someone. I left at 49. I suspect if you've got small children your younger. You will be surprised how many people will help if you take a risk. Posting here helps. Just know that you're not on your own in feeling this way and happiness is possible. I'm still adjusting. Life is too short to be stuck like this.

@welliesarefuntowear are you happier now?

I’m so unhappy. How am I married to somebody who is so happy to ignore me like this all the time

@needmorethanthis hi. Sorry for not replying sooner. Yes I'm happier. It's hard and lonely at times. But you have to keep going, be captain of your own ship. Happiness is a constant work in progress. When you're in a situation like this you have to start small. The biggest reason I left was because he had an affair. There was lots wrong before. I probably stayed too long. Leaving is absolutely possible. It may still be worth trying to get him to talk but if he remains uncommunicative inky you can take charge of your future. You can't force him to change. Think hard about what you want your life to be. Children grow quickly and need you less so plan for this. You'll see a way through but it takes time.

My husband is the same, I don't know what to do. He is so cold, I think he is depressed but wont get help. Should I walk away?