Really inappropriate crush. Feel terrible.

[StellarHug]

Don't know how to explain this as crush doesn't seem the right word but not sure what is.

Basically I have a "thing" for DHs best friend. They are super close, and we are too as a threesome. It's not looks or anything, he's just a lovely person and whilst I'd never ever ever attempt or say anything (I love DH and would never want to be with someone else) I do often find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to be with him.

I feel so guilty. He's just a very kind and good person, "uncle" to our DC and just one of those people who would do anything for anyone.

I feel like an idiot for even writing this, don't know why I am. To get it out of my head I guess.

Is it okay to have these feelings, if you know you'd never in a million years act on them or even say them out loud?

It’s only natural to develop a crush on someone else when you’re in a relationship. It doesn’t need to mean anything and as you say, you’re not going to act upon it.
Been in a similar situation myself. As quickly as it all developed, it disappeared quickly too and I was left feeling the ick! 😂

Entirely normal. The important thing is what you do about it ... or don't do! Just regard it as a bit if icing on life's cake!

I dint think spending lots of time will stop the crush - in fact you may risk it developing further. Don't spend any alone time with him until you can see him as just a friend. I feel with crushes, they normally represent something missing in our current partners/relationships. What does he have or you think he has that DH hasn't? Then spend time building on that gap in your marriage, and reconnecting with your DH.

Definitely cut down the time you spend with him though. Also - is he single? If he is, he may end up with a gf sometime and your feelings of jealousy/confusion could make a mess of things so best to nip it in the bud now. Also remind yourself that you only know him because of your DH and having a crush is one thing, having it on your DH's best friend is pretty crap. That really is a boundary you shouldn't have crossed.

I don't ever really spend alone time with him anyway, but he is around a lot as he and DH are very close and do practically everything together.

Funnily he isn't single no and I don't actually feel jealous at all. That's why I said crush probably isn't the word. He was even with one of my friends for a year and I wasn't bothered at all.

I don't know what to call it. I just think he's really lovely and enjoy spending time with him (I don't spend time alone with him anyway as I say) and find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like if I'd met him before DH even though I wouldn't change it if that makes sense?

I appreciate it's crap but I don't intend to have these thoughts.

@StellarHug

I don't ever really spend alone time with him anyway, but he is around a lot as he and DH are very close and do practically everything together.

Funnily he isn't single no and I don't actually feel jealous at all. That's why I said crush probably isn't the word. He was even with one of my friends for a year and I wasn't bothered at all.

I don't know what to call it. I just think he's really lovely and enjoy spending time with him (I don't spend time alone with him anyway as I say) and find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like if I'd met him before DH even though I wouldn't change it if that makes sense?

I appreciate it's crap but I don't intend to have these thoughts.

I don't ever really spend alone time with him anyway, but he is around a lot as he and DH are very close and do practically everything together.

This is part of the problem. Why do you do everything together as part of a threesome? That's not very healthy - especially if he has a gf anyway? If you make someone else a part of your relationship in this intertwined way, someone is bound to develop feelings at some point. Who's idea was it to always have him around all the time - your DH? Do you both get enough quality time to yourself or do you ever wish you and DH did more as a twosome/family. I worry that your DH may not want to actually be alone with his family and leans on his friend to avoid doing it. Same with your friend avoiding being alone in his relationship. And I suspect deep down you're not feeling very connected to DH (can't blame you) and the friend crush is just a manifestation of that. Could that be it?

It's healthy for friendships and relationships to have some boundaries to avoid situations like this. The friend is a friend and unless he's lonely or needs extra support for some reason, shouldn't be a permanent fixture in your marriage. I would talk to DH about you 2 focusing more on couple/family time and see how well you get on without the prop of other people. That will help you understand where your marriage stands and how much you have in common.

Also you should spend more time with your own friends and take this chance to do your own hobbies/interests - rather than be a third party to someone else's friendship.

As for what it would have been like if you'd met friend before - well, exactly the same. Because your DH would then have been the prop and around all the time and you would have struggled as you are now. Sorry to say that it seems they're both closer/more emotionally connected to each other than the women in their lives.

Yes it’s ok to have these feelings. You’re not weird or bad. Feelings can’t be helped. As your say you’d never act on them. Hopefully it will pass but there isn’t anything you can do to speed that up.