Ex Wife Situation

[HulaTallulah]

I've been with my bf a couple of years. Both divorced with kids, no plans to live together but pretty public relationship, we stay over at each others houses and have met each others kids. He added me as 'relationship' and photos on Facebook etc.

He's been divorced 5 years. Teenage kids. Ex wife has had several relationships since then, as has he. I'm amicable with my exh. However, bf has a far more 'involved' relationship with his exw (mother of his kids).

For example, she will ring most evenings, even if she knows he's with me. Usually not about the kids, but about her utility bill or for advice on a dispute with a neighbour etc. Or to complain about her partner (when she has one).

He claims she sends him angry messages about the kids/life etc (sometimes shows me), says he wants to distance himself but the next day he'll be back answering the phone to her, helping with her 'problems'.

I've explained to him that it damages our relationship. He says he'll be less involved but then I'll see him messaging her (not about kids). She seems very needy but he also seems to like to 'help'.

I'm at a loss as to what to do? Of course a friendly relationship with the other parent of your kids is good, but this is way more than that imo. Any thoughts?

She seems very needy but he also seems to like to 'help'

You've hit the nail on the head here. It's both of their behaviour that's the issue. If you've already highlighted it with him, asked him to cut back and he hasn't, I'm not sure that he ever will. You can stress again how uncomfortable you are with it and that it's a potential relationship killer for you (if it is, it would be for me), or you find a way to be ok with it. There's no way to make him stop if he's unwilling to do so though. Sorry.

Thanks that makes sense and I really agree. It's so frustrating to me but I can see that he is contributing as much to the situation as her. I find it insulting tbh and now I've realised its unlikely to change then I think it probably is a deal breaker.

She sounds very selfish and he unfortunately isn't putting a stop to it, he could if he wanted but it doesn't bother him like it does you.
As an ex wife myself, I wouldn't dream of calling my ex daily, a couple of times a week in messages for arrangements to see kids and that's it.
They sound like they still have a bond.

HulaTallulah, it sounds like they are enmeshed in a Rescuer/Damsel dynamic. You’ve clearly explained that their inappropriate, over-frequent interaction is harming your relationship, but he won’t step up and take action.

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

You are massively wasting your time on this man. He is still emotionally enmeshed with his ex, and you will never be a priority in his life. He knows this upsets you and he still chooses her over you.

Come on, now. Your standards should be higher than this.