Newly single...Don't know how to move on.

[MissingOutOnLife]

Evening All,

I've joined Mumsnet to try to get some friendly input into what feels like a failing existence.

Long story short my 1st long term partner left me when I was newly pregnant with our 3rd child. By the time DD2 was born, I had a 3 year old and a 2 year old with disabilities. He showed me his violent side, his narcissistic side and his down right nasty side over the 11 years since he left. DS is now 13 and couldn't attend school so I'm a full time carer and Home Educator.

Over a year later I met another man. We were together about 9 years. I've recently finished with him as he was emotional abusing me. It took me a long time to end it. I'm not sure why I stayed so long.

After years of gradually isolating myself for reasons I'm yet to figure out, and now he's gone too, I've found myself completely alone and unsure as to how to handle my recent break up. The first couple of weeks were really good, I was so relieved, I was sleeping so well every night and was really throwing myself into keeping busy etc but the last couple of weeks I've found myself really upset and missing him terribly. I know it was toxic and I'm glad it's over but how do you move on from someone you love when you're still pining for the relationship they promised you that never materialised?

I'm really disappointed in myself for believing time and time again that he'd change. I've never considered myself a pushover until recently. I used to be a strong willed women but seem to have been beaten down over the years and now I'm struggling to find myself.

How do I move on and start hobbies etc when all I do is stay is home with DS? I've been in tears all day and I don't know how to pull myself out of the hole I've got myself in.

Someone please tell me this will get better

Sorry you're having a tough time op.

I think you have to think of it as moving forwards as opposed to moving on. Getting over someone is just something that happens in time. Whe get busy doing other things and one day we realise 'hey, I haven't thought of that jerk in weeks' and then after a few times of that, there will come a day where thinking it doesn't hit you with a wave of heartache anymore. And then you'll know you are over it.

As for how to move forwards in the mean time,
I think it's a combination of two things- baby steps and making concrete plans.

So do little things...but DO them, wholeheartedly.

Ideally little things that you enjoy or that make you feel good about you.

It can be hard to start making moves because of the fear that...what if you do, and nothing changes? But..if you don't try then you'll never know.

It will get better. But you have to choose to make it better. So wash your face, call in a pizza and fins fins fun series on netflix to watch. And while it's on, scroll through some meetup groups and see if there is any events coming up that you can make and would like to join. Give yourself permission to start taking steps and to start moving forwards. You can do it, it's time to begin.

Thank you Pinkbonbon, I'm really trying g to pull myself together but I'm just not feeling it!

Fake it until you make it :)

I became so ill with stress when I split up with ex h and 4 months later I'm finally coming out the other side.

What I did (if this helps) I treated myself like a child. I went to bed early and bought loads of ready meals so I didn't have to think about cooking.

I meditated every night and most mornings. I use headspace.

I started a self love journal. It was a 90 day one and I got to day 40 but have kept the habit up. Now I write down (it's a take on AA daily practice from the crappy childhood fairy on youtube) I have fear because .. I have resentment because I have fear of .. and finish it with - I hereby release these fears. I now go days without writing anything about ex.

I read codependent no more. Codependency for dummies and should I stay or should I go. The last one was recent and helped me massively. Iistened to the first two on audible and went for a walk every day unless it was tipping down.

I got therapy. I luckily have access to this through work. I realise not everyone can but try your gp and see what you can get.

I also listened to loads of youtube talks by van de kolk, gabor mate, pete walker, crappy childhood fairy. These were great to listen to when walking.

I started doing things again. Last weekend I got my dc up at 5am and we walked up a hill to watch the sunrise. It was amazing. My friends have been amazing and I've really connected back up to them. I make sure I see two friends a week minimum.

They did listen to me go over and over my break up. I always asked them if it was ok to dump before I chatted about the same thing for an hour. God knows how they have put up with me! I was even tempted to ring the samartins at one point (not for suicide but for more opinions on my marriage and if I could save it).

I started cooking again, started baking cakes and gardening. I also made a candle. I'm watching lots of comedy. Staying away from alcohol and doing things that cheer me up.

Really let yourseld feel your emotions OP, feel them till you get bored of them. Let yourself grieve. Otherwise the experience will stay with you.

Thank you DragonOverTheMoon, that's amazing advice!

I'm scared I'll never see my value. I'm worried that maybe it's my fault that I let my last 2 relationships be terrible, I mean, how do you get a relationship right?

You get relationships right when your life is so happy that you don't attach and then stay with men who don't make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness and that also means being responsible to leave relationships when they're the wrong fit.

Some lucky people get turned off by being treated like rubbish and leave. Others internalise it and twist themselves into pretzels. This is often subconscious. I was unhappy and tried so many things to make myself happy before I kicked him out. This will most likely be down to your own parents relationships and there childhoods and so on. Some grow up in great family dynamics and don't experience trauma at home or at school. Others dont and repeat these patterns. I finally got sick of being in toxic relationships, I saw how I also acted (like my mum) and the best way for me not to be like that is to be myself, don't fit in with what they want to do, keep my own cup filled up and have my own exciting life - then I'm not dependent on them for my sense of self.