Can we overcome this or is it the end?

[Nonameneeded22]

NC.

My feelings for my husband have changed and I just don't know what to do, I told him last week that I was unhappy, he said he hadn't noticed, that he thinks we're fine and that he doesnt want me to be fed up of him.

We haven't had sex in several months and over the year or two there have been instances of controlling behaviour, checking my phone, following me when I go for a bath to chat, tracking where I am (working or at home). Probably because I've been pulling away. He sought help after the most recent episode.

Three years ago I discovered he was on a cheaters app. He says he was just looking at porn but he deleted his account before he could show me anything to prove this. He was very sorry and tried hard to make it up to me. However, in the aftermath of this he became totally depressed. He wouldn't let me visit friends as he didn't want people to know, when I went anyway he texted me all night wanting to know what we were talking about. He had panic attacks and was the lowest I've seen at the thought of losing me and it being his fault. I felt trapped by his MH issues.

He's a good man, a good dad and generally a very good husband. He works, does more than his fair share around the house and we get on well generally, most of the time his depression is now well controlled.

I just never seem to be in the mood to be intimate with him and when I can get in the mood then he has ED because of his medication.

Can this be salvaged? We have DC and I don't want to split up my marriage but at the same time I fantasise about only having to worry about DC and myself.

I don't know if I'm throwing in the towel too easily, I know that love isn't always the same and every marriage has dips. What's more, I can't bear the thought of telling him how I feel.

So he was on a cheaters app and deleted evidence and as a result of this rightly causing you to question things he gets depression, grows suspicious of YOU and monitors your whereabouts.

Thats some audacity.

There's no intimacy, he's proven himself to be untrustworthy and controlling, your feelings have changed....I dont think staying and remaining as you are is the answer. Youd probably benefit enormously from counselling. To come to terms with how you feel about your h and possibly support in leaving if that's what you decide

There's a lot to unpick here.

Don't get them all mixed up. There are some very different issues.

What happened with the cheaters app? He basically deleted it and wanted to pretend it never happened? So you've never really discovered what happened?

But then his behaviour towards you. Not allowing you to see friends. Stalking you essentially.

There seems to be nothing from him to admit he has played any part in this. It's all on you. Is he accepting any responsibility? What's he doing to rectify it?

Honestly I think the relationship died with the cheaters app. Bringing up kids alone is less scary than bringing up kids in a massively dysfunctional relationship.

"What's more, I can't bear the thought of telling him how I feel".

Is that because you are afraid of both him and his potential reaction?.
He is abusive and many abusers use MH issues/depression as an excuse or reason (when they do not have depression) for their abusive behaviours. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are also not some sort of rehab centre for such a badly raised man. You've described this man also as a good dad and generally a very good husband. Why did you write this of him given his behaviours towards you and in turn your kids who can and do pick up on all the vibes here?.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave and what you're describing here is an abusive example of a marriage to be showing your kids. Would you want them to describe such a relationship to you as adults, no you would not and besides which most parents would want better for their children.

What did you learn about relationships from your own childhood?.
Stop doing your bit here to show them that this treatment of you by their dad is still acceptable to you on some level. What are you still getting out of this?.

Fucking hell, he's disgusting and quite the manipulator. I'd be running for the hills.

After the app he put an accountability app on his phone for months to prove he wasn't going back on it. We had a hard time for a while after as I did show him how I felt, but I just had to believe he wasn't cheating. I got no proof. I didn't want his mental health to continue deteriorating so I tried to get past it.

The controlling episodes happen when he is at his most anxious. After the recent episode he saw a doctor and has been on medication since. He hasn't behaved that way again and his medication has helped his relationship with me and the children. I realise this was abuse and I told him that I wasn't putting up with it, he saw the doctor of his own accord.

He genuinely is a good parent and husband almost all of the time, these are short, isolated incidents rather than how he usually is.

The thing is that whatever happens he will always be their parent and will.always be involved. I don't want to tell him how I feel because I hate confrontation and I don't want to hurt him.

"no really, it's a delicious cup of tea most of the time... it's only the little flecks of shit that spoil it"

The phrase that really stuck out to me was 'I don't want to hurt him'

How about him not wanting to hurt you?

Denying there's anything wrong and nothing needs fixing is essentially hurting you. He's just brushing your feelings under the carpet.

If there is any way of this working he has to acknowledge your feelings and that they are just as important as his mental health.

He has not and does not care about hurting you. Infact the only person he cares about is his own self.

I would think your self worth is on the floor if you were to continue to accept this from him.

He is both manipulative and abusive. This relationship should be over now and was infact over the first time he hurt you emotionally. I note that you have not answered what you get out of this relationship either so what does that tell you?.

I just had to believe he wasn't cheating. I got no proof. I didn't want his mental health to continue deteriorating so I tried to get past it.

You don't believe it though, do you? Because you know that a person who downloads and registers an account for a no-strings dating app, then deleted account when caught on the app, has a lot more to hide than "I was just having a wank". Because if he WAS just having a wank (despite the literal millions of free porn photos and films out there) he'd have wanted to prove it.

You don't owe this man a relationship. You're not a therapist or a teddy bear. You're entitled to walk away if that's what you want.

I told him how I feel and he was really good in some ways. He accepted the blame, stayed calm and apologised for everything. Hes said he hasnt felt like I love him or like him for a long time. Unfortunately when I suggested possible counselling whatever happens he doesn't think he needs it as he takes medication now.

I think that's my answer. He is now feeling very depressed and very anxious. I've said I'm staying at a friend's tonight and his only response is "don't me me sound too awful". Its all the same stuff over again and it makes me desperately sad.

So he was on a cheaters app. There's only one reason he was there.

When you caught him he became depressed and controlling, in case you told anyone? He was fine while on the app. He wasnt fine with you seeking any support in this situation and stopped you going anywhere.

His primary concern is always how other people will percieve him. Not what the issues are or your feelings.

Depression and anxiety are to blame for him controlling you. Not his fault, even though he got depressed and anxious because he was cheating/ trying to cheat?

Is this right?

Generally people are not all bad or all good, they are complex.

I don't think it's wise to make a decision based on the fact t you believe he is a "good person" in many ways.

Base your decision on how you feel about the relationship. How you feel about the prospect of it continuing like this.

Sounds pretty miserable to me.

He maintains he was just on threads looking at porn, but the control is the major issue.

If ever we have a problem his mental health goes into crisis to the point where staying is affecting my mental health.

I lost the intimacy with My children's dad. We had 8 and half years together. The last 2 were sexless and we became just parents. To be honest I never fancied him to the point I was sat there wanting to jump him. I realised as awful as it sounds, he was top nice and too unmotivated. He worked in computers and provided. But he didn't know how to do man jobs and I ended up feeling I had to do everything like look for builders, dig the garden, paint the fences.... but anyway

Its not easy to get the sexual spark back. You could try things like date nights or a weekend away. But to be honest you sound like he's ruined things for you and you simply don't feel that way now.

Men that lie about apps are so pathetic too. He's way to untrustworthy and paranoid too.

@Nonameneeded22

He maintains he was just on threads looking at porn, but the control is the major issue.

If ever we have a problem his mental health goes into crisis to the point where staying is affecting my mental health.

Why would he go there for porn?

I can't think of any answer for that and he can't give me one either. We've agreed to try some counselling but my gut feeling is that I'll be leaving fairly soon. I feel relieved but heartbroken that it's all out in the open.

I've told him that I feel that my feelings and wellbeing are always secondary to his mental health. He says if I need to leave him to be happy, then I should.

Long road ahead I think.

The minute you tell him you are leaving to be happy, I can guess he will switch the guilt back on.

You can't think of a reason he would go to a site for no string sex and dating to look at porn, when it's easily accessible because it's not true.

He was there to cheat on you. He was able to shut down your questioning by making you put his mental health above your own. He is not a good person.

You feel like this because deep down you don’t believe him. You don’t trust him and you probably don’t like him either. No surprise you don’t want to have sex with him.

Despite burying those feeling and trying to get past them you can’t. You are making your conscious mind think one thing (this is ok), but your subconscious knows it’s wrong.

It’s why you feel so conflicted. Look up cognitive dissonance.

This man is guilting you into feeling like you should stick around to support HIS mental health because he (amongst other shitty things) cheated on YOU - or at least tried to!

He sounds pathetic, controlling, oppressive and has more than the slightest whiff of ‘poor me’ about him. You’re right, OP. You will be much happier without him.

You are repulsed by him because you know that you are being controlled and manipulated by his mental health.

This is not a good man or a healthy relationship.

Your marriage is over.

Co parenting will be better for your children than you remaining in the home and YOUR mental health deteriorating.

Accept what you feel and start to seek support from family and friends as you move on.

The problem is OP when you find out this kind of thing, regardless of their reasons or motives, naturally for a lot of people a large part of the attraction just dies a death , trust vanishes and you see them through new eyes—we are all very different as to how we would react— some would have the other person served divorce within a day and them out the house, others stew on it for months and either move on mentally or leave and others stay and never really trust again and a small percentage stay and build a better relationship— there are so many variables and it depends on your partner too and his attitude. I’m in the stayed but never fully trusted again camp and I stayed mainly for purely selfish practical reasons— I did change my life though in some ways and I no longer put him first - I do care but I care about me more if you get what I mean!!! You know your H, do you think it’s a one off? Do you think you are the type of person that can forgive and forget ?