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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I marry him

15 replies

shereeelodie · 01/04/2022 13:35

Hi, I met my fiancé over 15 years ago. We became pregnant after a week knowing each other and he offered me money to have an abortion which I refused. I obviously kept the baby and as the pregnancy progressed he wanted to be a part of our lives and we became a couple. Fast forward 15 years and 3 beautiful children and we have had a mostly happy relationship with a few hiccups. Hiccups being that there have been rumours of him cheating and one confirmed occasion of him having a gang bang. This was almost 10 years ago now and we attended therapy and worked through it. Marriage has never been a big deal for me although my parents have been together and happily married for over 30 years. I would like to have the same surname as my kids and after giving birth to our DS my then boyfriend now fiancée proposed. We were set to marry the year of the pandemic but obviously had to cancel it. Since then I've been wondering if this is really what I want or if I'm just doing it because it's the done thing. He's a fantastic dad to our kids and it would be great to show the world we made it and have a lovely get together but at the same time he has been quite a poor partner here and there over the years and weddings are a lot of money.

OP posts:
CanIHaveAHolidayPlease · 01/04/2022 13:48

I'm sorry but if you are having to ask the question, then the answer is a big fat NO!

There are worse things in life than having a different surname to your children. Marrying someone that's cheated on you is one of them!

MardyOldGoth · 01/04/2022 13:51

God, I wouldn't! It sounds very much like you just want the name and to be able to say you're married to your children's father, rather than to actually be married to him. And with the past problems you've had it's entirely understandable why you wouldn't want to marry him. Take a step back. If the kids didn't exist, would you marry this man? If a friend told you this story, would you advise her to marry him?

Fireflygal · 01/04/2022 13:53

How are finances? Generally if you have to ask the answer is No but if you are financial vulnerable then marriage protect you.

MintJulia · 01/04/2022 15:23

Weddings do not need to cost a lot.

And let's face it, after this amount of time, you know what life will be.

Write down the pros and cons. Look dispassionately at it and make a decision. But if you are asking I here, I think you have already decided against.

legalseagull · 01/04/2022 15:26

No I wouldn't marry him. I would however ensure I had the same legal protections. Sort your wills out for example.

Traumdeuter · 01/04/2022 15:28

Don’t marry him.

Cluelessmouse · 01/04/2022 15:44

Every reason you listed to get married is awful
Just awful

A gang bang is not a hiccup

HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 15:47

A gang bang?

You don't get married to have an expensive party. You get married because you love and trust that person enough to bind yourself to them in every aspect of your lives, and that's legally, as well.

If you are hesitating, do not marry him.

OldEvilOwl · 01/04/2022 16:27

No

Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 18:42

There’s always some cold feet and doubt before a wedding but have you guys rescheduled?
You’ve said he’s cheated in the past but you’ve moved past that and made a proper go of things which is great. You’ve already shown people you’ve made it!
Do you love him? Does he make you feel loved and make you feel appreciated/happy?
How would you feel if it ended?
Weddings don’t have to cost a fortune, there’s different ways to do it but don’t just get married to share your children's surname.
Take some time to think about your future and what you would like for you and your children. When you think about your life do you see him in it as your partner or as the ex/ partner to your children?

Crimeismymiddlename · 01/04/2022 20:41

A gang bang. That is really, really grim. I do it think I could ever look a partner in the eye for doing that, let alone that they cheated on me. It’s very sordid.
It does not seem like you want to marry him.

moonbedazzled · 01/04/2022 20:45

Sometimes you read a post which sounds like the average post and then it suddenly contains a detail that makes you mouth drop open while the writer labels it a hiccup and carries on with trivialities.

I feel this is one of those posts.

AncrenneWisse · 01/04/2022 20:54

You have children together so if you are asking, yes, you should marry him. That gives you legal and financial protection that you wouldn’t have otherwise. Sorting your wills doesn’t really help, as even if you inherit his part of any joint property you will have to pay inheritance tax if it is above the threshold. You are already tied inexorably to this man, so the usual reasons for not going ahead at this point don’t apply. Take a punt; marry the guy. If it doesn’t work, you won’t really be any worse off and you will have protections that you wouldn’t have otherwise. If it does work, the benefits of marriage still apply.

Given where you are now I would say you had little to lose by marrying him, and much to gain.

Good luck!

Pinkbonbon · 01/04/2022 20:58

I would change my surname to match the children's and not bother marrying him tbh.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 01/04/2022 20:59

@moonbedazzled

Sometimes you read a post which sounds like the average post and then it suddenly contains a detail that makes you mouth drop open while the writer labels it a hiccup and carries on with trivialities.

I feel this is one of those posts.

🤣
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