Reality check needed - Inconsiderate or Understandable?

[Earlybird]

We're 5 months into life in a new city. One of dd's classmates has a Mum that perhaps has potential to be a friend for me. But, the following has occured over the last month:

1. Casual arrangement to meet at playground once a week for girls to play. We went/waited, but they didn't show, though she called the next day to apologise (her schedule had changed and day/meetup no longer possible).

1. Several instances of 'I'd love to meet for a coffee, but can't commit as I don't have my diary. Let me ring you back to arrange'. No call forthcoming.

1. Called during holiday break with two possible meetups for the girls - either later that day at ours for playdate, or next day for museum jaunt. The other Mum said 'we're just back from being away. Let me talk to my dd, and we'll ring you back.' No call that day. I rang the next morning to see if museum jaunt was on, and was greeted with 'oh, sorry didn't ring you but we are all so exhausted. But X would love to go to the museum today.' I picked up (their house is en route to the museum, so no trouble), had both girls out almost all day (paid admission and took them both to lunch). Dropped off - no 'won't you come in for a coffee' etc.

Should also say that I was given tickets to a fairly prestigious event, and took this woman and her dh as my guests (along with one other person) a few months back.

On the few occasions we've met up, she's lively/interesting, and we have nice conversations. She's also complained that she's been so busy getting their lives together (they moved to the city 18 months ago), that she hasn't had much time to pursue friendships for herself.

Your thoughts?

She sounds friendly but disorganised rather like me, although I would always make the time to phone, even if I couldn't turn up in person for a get together! It maybe that you just have to take her for what she is - or leave her, if you prefer to. I am essentially friendly and would love to spend more time with certain people - but the needs of my dh/dcs/dmother/dhouse/dcar/dcooking mean that I just can't deliver what I would want to. And yes, if you offered to take a dc to the museum for a day, I would jump at the offer. I would, however, make sure that I reciprocated next holiday, and wouldn't expect you to do two such days without my making the effort. That would be just taking the mickey.

Did that make any sense at all?!! (I did preview, but was chatting to the dcs at the same time!)

Basically, I think she sounds a bit inconsiderate, but I can understand her too, and if you really like her/her dd you might want to give them one more chance.

I think there are lots of people about like this.Pleasant and good company but utterly disorganised and glad to let other people make arrangements.

i give people like this a few chances,then stop inviting them to call for tea/outings and so on. and continue to smile in a neutral fashion as they continue to bleat 'Oh we must go out/get together fro dinner/have a day out with the kids' etc.

There have been a few occasions when I've called and she's said 'omigosh, are we supposed to be somewhere?" She says she often gets muddled and lets people down. (Can think of one occasion where she forgot to collect her youngest dd from a birthday party.)

It may be that she is one of those people where I do all the running and enjoy her when things work out, but don't count on her otherwise.

Sometimes in these situations it's hard to tell if someone is muddled/disorganised, or if they're sending a roundabout message they're not interested, or, if they're (in the nicest possible way) simply rude.

Nice but disorganised and forgetful I would think - sometimes you might need to push her a bit for reciprocation (if you can be bothered) but she could just be at sixes and sevens and be trying to find her feet a bit.

She could be depressed as well, don't rule it out.

mmm, had a friend like this and got fed up with doing all the chasing, think its very rude not to call someone and just forget.

I would back off a bit and see is she starts to make an effort, if not would just let it go...am fed up off friendships where I have to do all the running, think it needs to be a two way thing...esp when trying to get a new friendship off the ground

Give her another chance or 2 if you enjoy her company. i've a friend like this - a bit hot and cold but great company once we manage to pin her down. but the difference is she DOES deliver when it's crunch time, eg taking my 3 eldest out after my homebirth for no.4 - having stayed just long enough to coo over baby and share a glass of champagne with us (which she brought).

The more I think about it, it seems they are a bit of a frazzled family in general. She told me they were supposed to have some minor building work done while they were away over Christmas break. But her dh forgot to deliver the house key to the builder....so work didn't happen.

it's easy for her to say 'oh sorry I'm so disorganised' and for us all to nod our heads and say 'oh yes it's so difficult isn't it, poor her'. But I think that's just an excuse for rudenss, frankly. what makes her life so specially busy she's allowed to be downright rude and inconsiderate and selfish? If she's that busy she needs to get organised, not to rely on everyone else's goodwill.

If you really like her company, how about fixing a specific date and stressing that it's definite, and reminding her beforehand. May not do her any harm for you to say you only manage your busy life by being well organised! If she lets you down then drop her for a while, see if she makes an effort to get in touch with you. If she doesn't then it may just be that she doesn't really need friends that much, however much she likes you.

I can be understanding about periodic flakiness - it can happen to the best of us. But, it is easy to feel a mug when you're the friend who is regularly let down. That's not a nice feeling.

I won't give up quite yet, but unfortunately a pattern seems to be emerging.

maybe your expectations are higher than they would be otherwise cos you've just moved thereand don't have many other good friends. I know some lovely people but they are a bloody nuisance aswell so its all about balance and depends how much you can stand. I hope you can make some more friends.

Oh God she sounds like me.

Just a bit of a flake. All good intentions and no follow thru. Don't torture yourself.

Buy her an Organised Mum book - just kidding!!

erm.. this could be me and hald of my problems are caused by dyslexia (we call it number wang in our house ). Dates numbers and times are a real problem for me, I am a bit better now I have a PDA that sets reminders for me. But basicaly if I don't have it to hand I have no chance of remebering and I could no way tell you what is planned next week. I also went undiagnosed for a long time so had no idea (and no strategies such as the PDA). Just a thought- it might be that she's not just eude.
x H

She sounds like me. Disorganised and low self esteem. Perhaps she hasn't got enough confidence in herself to accept that you really want to be her friend.

as has been posted already... back off a bit and see if she makes any effort. i can't be doing with "friends" when it's a one way street. either they're too disorganised and scatty or too gauche to let you know that they're not interested!

LOL hettie at "number wang" that's it! Exactly!

earlybird - you have not just move to W London have you? Could be me! I half left children behind, forgotten to pick them up etc Can you make an arrangement the day before - less chance of being forgotten - say take her DC home from school for tea and play and then text that afternoon "Am picking up DippyDaughter for tea today. Would you like to pick up about 6" or whatever.

Or can you get into a regular thing - let's have coffee after school drop off on Friday's. I forget the regular things less often than the one off's...It's Monday so it must be tennis and cubs...

Well, if it was me I would assume that she didn't want to be friends. The other stuff is excusable as being disorganised, but not inviting you in for coffee after taking her child out sounds ominous to me.

At some point you have to stop trying. Maybe she will start once you have stopped. If not, she wasn't bothered.

She sounds like me too

She may not have invited you in because her house was messy...

I would say that although I'm very disorganised I make a supreme effort not to mess up the children's arrangements and I wouldn't have much patience with someone who did, but it seems that she has not actually given you a firm commitment on the times you thought you might meet, so probably thought it was ok. I'd make a firm plan a few days ahead, and confirm it on the morning of the event if you really want to meet. If that falls through, maybe call it a day...

I am aware that my disorganisation can be really annoying (to myself as much as anyone ) and I try not to become too close to people who I sense can't cope with it. Is there a bit of that going on too?

Always good to have a bit of persepctive, so thank you for various thoughts.

As I don't know her well, it is difficult to know if she is disorganised/forgetful or if she is simply not very interested.

Think I will leave the door open, but will wait to see if she makes an effort in my direction.

I'm like this woman I always say I'll call people but never do. I say I'll arrange stuff but never do. If something IS arranged I'll try and get out of it (but wouldn't just not turn up, that is rude).

Basically I'm quite anti-social, I try and be friendly and try to be positive about friendships for the kids sake as I don't want them growing up like me but the truth is I much prefer my own company and it stresses me out when I have to spend time with other people, I just like to do my own thing.

I never invite people in unless I really have to either, I like to keep my home very private.