How to stop being resentful?

[Onlyrainbows]

My marriage is not in a good place, and I know that normally both parties are partly to blame, but most certainly not in this case. I want to move on, the alternative (divorce) is certainly not ideal, but even the smallest of arguments get blown out of proportion because ultimately I'm still incredibly angry at him. He's finally going to therapy, so I also think I should let him try to see if there are any improvements, but currently we can have up to maybe 5-7 happy days and then something happens and we're back to square 1.

Bump

Do you actually want to stay in the marriage, or just want to want to??

Either way, try marriage guidance, which should help you separate in a civilised way.

But do be honest with yourself and call it quickly, or you are just wasting your time.

Read should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft. He explains, very well, that it's perfectly normal to feel anger when someone who has treated you poorly then goes on to recovery.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'm sure we could separate in a civilised way.

The truth is that if I completely separate what he's done and that aspect of the relationship, I would still say it's a happy one. Right now I just feel so much anger that it's paralysing.

Do you mean 'move on' in the marriage together?

Though the blame maybe on one party, your bubbling anger will not help the healing and that will also take you back to zero.

Only you can control your emotional response and it sounds like if you both want it to work you both have to put the work it.

Maybe consider some self care to get some distance and work out what you want.

Life is too short to have anger paralysis. xx

It’s hard to advise without knowing more details, but if you genuinely want to stay in your marriage you will need to let go of the anger at some point because it’s not allowing you to heal and move on. You may need marriage counselling to help you with this - and in fact that would be beneficial whether you decide to save the marriage or not. Would he agree to go?

The other thing they can help with is figuring out what got your marriage to the point that the event you’re angry about happened (I’m assuming an affair) and that is rarely the fault of one person alone (although the choice to behave the way he has is certainly his responsibility).

I can’t say this is the right way/only way/helpful to you, but I can tell you it worked for me. Fake it until you make it. I made up my mind to forgive the things he had done wrong because I knew I had done things wrong too. Every time I thought of a nice memory, something he had done nice for me I wrote it down in my phones notes app and when I felt upset or angry I read it. I went through old messages and screenshot all of the nicest ones and did the same. Before I said anything critical or snapped etc I would ask myself if this would matter next week, if it wouldn’t I didn’t say it. I sent him loving messages, did loving things, I was kind, complimentary and happy. Because I chose to be, not necessary because that’s how I felt. He responded positively and worked just as hard to fix things and we turned a corner and now I don’t have to consider what I say and do, I don’t have to think about things, I just do them. The negatives were consciously pushed aside to make way for the positives and they just naturally overtook.

Obviously this completely depends what happened and wouldn’t work if there was abuse and likely wouldn’t work if there was cheating. You also need to mentally strong and in a good place mentally to do it. And never ever be a doormat, if he genuinely upset me I said it I didn’t brush it away, I just chose a more positive way to bring it up and discuss it.

@MissedItByThisMuch

It’s hard to advise without knowing more details, but if you genuinely want to stay in your marriage you will need to let go of the anger at some point because it’s not allowing you to heal and move on. You may need marriage counselling to help you with this - and in fact that would be beneficial whether you decide to save the marriage or not. Would he agree to go?

The other thing they can help with is figuring out what got your marriage to the point that the event you’re angry about happened (I’m assuming an affair) and that is rarely the fault of one person alone (although the choice to behave the way he has is certainly his responsibility).

A few regular MNs know the backstory.

But in a nutshell, ever since we moved in together I've subsidised my now husband and some of that money was spent on porn. He came clean about the whole thing a month ago.

We could go to therapy, but last time we went, the therapist said he had to fix himself first.

I do the "gratitude" thing every now and then and it does work.

We've been to therapy but the therapist has said he needs to fix himself first

The main issue is that ever since we moved in I've been subsidising him and a chunk of that money has gone to porn

Oh @Onlyrainbows I am not surprised to read this.

This man is not a good man.

He’s taken from you for years.

You should get yourself therapy (good, effective therapy) to untangle your own attachment issues.

Good luck.

Thank you @AchillesPoirot