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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP doesn't love me anymore

25 replies

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 04:05

Hi, so a bit of a background - been with my dp 6 years since we was 16. Always been inseparable, moved into my families after a year as his mum moved away. Got engaged in 2019. He's always wanted a baby and loved me so much.
So I gave birth to our son 9 months ago. We also brought a house which we got the keys to 6 months ago. It's been tough. He was doing it all on his own really, it was a full renovation. He would be there straight after work everyday and I'd be at home constantly with our baby. I had pnd and a horrific birth. I wasn't the nicest to my dp because I was really struggling, I'd want him at home but also was rushing him to get the house done so we could be a family and it was too much pressure on him. Things come to head back in The beginning on February, he broke down went to his mums for the night to speak to her and then we spoke and he still loved me but told me how much the house had made him struggle and he felt guilty for not being with us and he's missed out on his son. We hadn't really got along because we barely saw eachother, he would come home at 9/10 at night and I'd be going to sleep where I was exhausted. He started acting really funny with me after this and just was so up and down kept walking out on me but would tell me if I left him he would kill himself and he was really struggling just felt suicidal etc. He took a step back from the house, I helped more with it and we got help from family wifh it all. But things just carried on getting worse, I just had a gut feeling something was off and kept assuming cheating. But I went through his phone multiple times until I went on his bank account and found his mum had been sending him chunks of money and he had been withdrawing it straight away. He told me gambling, he went and stayed at my mums and was in bits begging for me back but I told him I just didn't know if I loved him anymore because I was so angry and fed up. Until 2 nights ago, he had punched someone at work (he works for my family!) then I went mad, he walked out and then when I spoke to him he started telling me it's not working anymore, he doesn't love me and there's nothing there between us anymore. I am devastated. His mum come down to get him to stay up there, he then admitted to us it wasn't gambling and he has a coke addiction which started not long after getting the house. But it's spiralled and messed him up. Regardless I still love him, he's going to get help and sort himself out. But he's now telling me he started doubting our relationship and started loosing feelings before I had given birth? Which I never got an indication of. It was tough the birth was hard for him and he had to do everything on his own whilst I struggled for weeks. I was awful fo him with my pnd and he said for a while I've made him feel so unloved which I can see that. But I'm just gutted so so gutted. I never thought this would happen we planned our lives together. He's saying it's too much responsbility the house and a baby for him he couldn't handle it, but it's all he ever wanted.
I'm so stuck I'm not on my own with our baby and finishing our house renovations, dealing with our money/mortgage and I'm meant to be going back to work full time next week.
I'm at such a lost I'm so so depressed I feel so helpless and lost.

OP posts:

Elfsumflowerpig · 01/04/2022 05:43

I'm so sorry to read this. It sounds like you have had a very rough time.

Would he agree to counselling? If not to save the relationship, but also to coparent together?

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 06:01

@Elfsumflowerpig

I'm so sorry to read this. It sounds like you have had a very rough time.

Would he agree to counselling? If not to save the relationship, but also to coparent together?

I think he has got to sort himself out first. He's got to overcome the addiction with the coke and also work on himself a bit. I did ask him if he would and he said yeah but maybe just to not upset me anymore. I just don't see how he loved me so much and then lost it. Can you ever get your feelings back for someone?

OP posts:

Robin233 · 01/04/2022 06:03

It is a lot of responsibility and at such a young age.
Give it time.

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 06:04

@Robin233

It is a lot of responsibility and at such a young age. Give it time.

I can understand that, I've found it a lot too but just handled it differently. I'm so so heartbroken I don't know what to do without him.

OP posts:

HeDidWhattt · 01/04/2022 06:11

To be honest it sounds like that was a huge amount on his shoulders. I’m not condoning the drugs, as I don’t agree with the whole concept but it sounds like he had to deal with a lot and just broke.

It doesn’t sound like you and both get on really or make each other happy. Some people are better off apart and I hope he manages to kick the drugs soon.

Grumpasaurusrex · 01/04/2022 06:12

You're both so young! That doesn't help, I know. But maybe it's just too much too young. So much pressure which is difficult anyway, but at a time when your peers and friends are probably having relaxed, responsibility-free lives. Can you find a way to calm it down a bit? Your lives? Because it sounds like you've been pushing each other and yourselves too hard. Maybe you just need some space from each other. Can you both move back to your parents house (you to yours, him to his) and do the house slowly, in free time, without so much pressure? Have some space away from each other to start to appreciate each other a bit?

Grumpasaurusrex · 01/04/2022 06:18

Oh, or are you already living with your mum and his mum too far away?

Shoxfordian · 01/04/2022 06:18

It sounds like he needs help with his addiction but you were both acting in unhealthy ways in the relationship so you should consider whether it really was the right thing for you

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 06:22

@HeDidWhattt

It doesn’t sound like you and both get on really or make each other happy. Some people are better off apart and I hope he manages to kick the drugs soon.

Of course it was, we didn't expect the renovation to be as hard as it was and take so long. And we've always been amazing together, every body has said how shocked they are and thought we was made for eachother. But I've been through a lot the last few years and It just broke me, I didn't get any help and I took it out on him. He's sensitive. But he then broke and neither of us could help eachother. Please don't say we might be better off apart, all I want is him:(

OP posts:

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 06:24

@Grumpasaurusrex

I currently live with my family, so had he the last 5 years but yes he's gone and moved to his mums (an hour away) So far he's not in the right head space to help me with the house, we've got so many people in doing stuff I can't do much about it other than get it finished. We are only 3ish weeks off it being done. I also have our son, I just feel like I can't cope with it all on my own. We both hadn't a clue what it was going to be like, he got scared before I had the baby but never told me and just went downhill from there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 06:24

@Shoxfordian

It sounds like he needs help with his addiction but you were both acting in unhealthy ways in the relationship so you should consider whether it really was the right thing for you

He does. And no it wasn't right for either of us, wasn't making eachother happy. Does that not mean we could work through it and try again?

OP posts:

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 06:27

@Shoxfordian

It sounds like he needs help with his addiction but you were both acting in unhealthy ways in the relationship so you should consider whether it really was the right thing for you

He's also been very suicidal, can't see a way out. Doesn't know what to do. For months now. He's been lying to me because of the drugs and I just knew something was off we know eachother so so well. I'm really gutted, never thought he'd be that way. He's normally such a happy carefree person but he said he wasn't strong enough to deal with the responsibility

OP posts:

StopStartStop · 01/04/2022 06:39

You've had a shit-ton of life experience for someone of 22! No wonder you're feeling the strain.

You and he need to be disentangling your lives a bit, giving yourselves some headspace. Can you and your baby live with your parents while he stays with his mum?

If you bought the house, can you sell it? Get that pressure off the pair of you.

You got with him at 16. That's very young. A sixteen-year-old is very different from the same person in their twenties. You have given birth. That makes an adult of a woman in a way men never understand or experience. This is a good time for you to think through what you want for yourself and your baby, for the next ten years. Who are you, now? What do you want? What do you and your baby need?

Him. Hmm. I wouldn't tie myself to a coke addict. Presumably his mum didn't know she was giving him money for drugs. If she thought she was funding renovations, then he's been cheating her and you by spending that money on himself. Not a keeper. Also, he needs a job away from your family. My observations of life suggest that a vast number of men start doubting whether they love their partners once the women are pregnant. We could kindly say that nature programmed them to impregnate and move on, or we could say they're selfish, immature bastards who want to stay teenagers forever. Whatever. You can't make a life-partner out of one of those.

This is a wonderful opportunity to make your life what you want it to be. I hope your parents can support you at this time.

Why2why · 01/04/2022 06:57

How old are you OP? I’m sensing you’re older than him?

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 07:23

@Why2why

How old are you OP? I’m sensing you’re older than him?

We are both turning 23 soon. He's a month older than Me!

OP posts:

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 07:27

@StopStartStop

You've had a shit-ton of life experience for someone of 22! No wonder you're feeling the strain.

You and he need to be disentangling your lives a bit, giving yourselves some headspace. Can you and your baby live with your parents while he stays with his mum?

If you bought the house, can you sell it? Get that pressure off the pair of you.

This is a wonderful opportunity to make your life what you want it to be. I hope your parents can support you at this time.

Thank you for your advice. I do have a lot to work on, I've had a lot of shit go on in the time I've been with him which I never got any help for and struggled for it. I guess I thought it was easier to push everyone away. He is a good person, he just is like you say immature and couldn't be man enough to do it the right way which is disapponting I chose to have a baby with someone I thought I knew. We both have agreed to just work on ourselves, we are tied by our son anyway but to see how things go. I just want it to work if I'm honest, I know he's got it in him to be an amazing person but he just can't seem to do it right now which makes me so sad. I had bad pnd and just closed myself completely, I made him feel so unloved. I also didn't know how to love myself, a baby and him. It's hard I'm just so sad I thought it would work

OP posts:

Robin233 · 01/04/2022 07:46

It will take work
But yes, you both can get through this - together

Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2022 08:38

You have both experienced so much in the last 6 years. You’ve grown up together and have a lot of stressful things thrown at you.
You’ve both coped with stress in different ways. It seems like he’s had a bit of a break down. I’m not condoning the addiction but watching you cope with pnd and trying to do the majority of the house whilst working full time would take it out of anyone.
I think you could both do with a little break from each other and from the stress. You can find your way back to each other but he needs time to focus on helping himself and you need time to focus on you and your baby.
Would it be possible to sell the house and at a later date, if you guys can work it out, you could get something different thag doesn’t need as much work?

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/04/2022 08:51

I think there is a real miscomprehension that a good relationship is fairly easy with no bumps. That's crap, some people will have that but tbh it is very few. Relationships are hard, some time you get horrific periods where you have to choose every day to be with someone. They changes you've both gone through in a short space of time are enough to rock an older couple that have been together 20 years. Of course you can save it, but he has to want to save it too. And kick the habit.
I'm afraid men of 23 and women of 23 are generally miles apart maturity wise, then add in the fact you are now a mother. I

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 10:39

@Hiddenvoice

You have both experienced so much in the last 6 years. You’ve grown up together and have a lot of stressful things thrown at you. You’ve both coped with stress in different ways. It seems like he’s had a bit of a break down. I’m not condoning the addiction but watching you cope with pnd and trying to do the majority of the house whilst working full time would take it out of anyone. I think you could both do with a little break from each other and from the stress. You can find your way back to each other but he needs time to focus on helping himself and you need time to focus on you and your baby. Would it be possible to sell the house and at a later date, if you guys can work it out, you could get something different thag doesn’t need as much work?

Yeah very true and what we've decided to do. Does give me me mixed signals as this morning it's that he needs my support in his best friend, he loves me and our son. He won't give up on me but I'm scared he's saying it because he knows he's hurt me and it's what I want to hear.

But really we got that house at a good price and we couldn't afford anything else. We are weeks away from finishing it so my family are helping, I just feel sad going in there on my own when it was meant to be for our family but I'll do it for our son.

OP posts:

Original poster

Amummyx · 01/04/2022 10:42

@OrlandointheWilderness

I think there is a real miscomprehension that a good relationship is fairly easy with no bumps. That's crap, some people will have that but tbh it is very few. Relationships are hard, some time you get horrific periods where you have to choose every day to be with someone. They changes you've both gone through in a short space of time are enough to rock an older couple that have been together 20 years. Of course you can save it, but he has to want to save it too. And kick the habit. I'm afraid men of 23 and women of 23 are generally miles apart maturity wise, then add in the fact you are now a mother. I

Yeah I think they are hard, I don't know any older couple that haven't been through it. And it won't be the last if we do decide to stick it out which I think we owe our son to try at least but right now he can't see a future he's so suicidal he can't focus on anything so he's got to take each day as it comes whilst he's come off the drugs. The amount of lies and guilt he's been carrying must be horrendous for him, no excuses but I do see why he felt so alone and I didn't help. I pushed and pushed him, I didn't give him any love and that's why he can't work out if he can be with me anymore which really hurts me that I done that to him. I didn't mean to.

OP posts:

Pinkorchid23 · 01/04/2022 10:50

What does he want op. Does he want to make it work? Because without both parties invovled, one person can't solely save an entire relationship. Both need to be on board and 100% in and it and willing.

Regardless you both may just be best of with a temporary break before anything is decided and final. Its all ALOT and all very heavy.

Regardless of anything the first thing that needs to be addressed before anything if your partners drug addiction. A relationship cannot be healthily sustained when one partner is abusing drugs BUT more importantly he cannot be a healthy and trusted father figure to your baby. Im sorry for what you are going through but forst and foremost your baby MUST come first before any of you and dps wants and needs.

Im also 24 and had a partner that took drugs prior to our dc being born. That child deserves the best version of yourselves and although you both may not be perfect that baby deserves a father that is clean.

CheddarTheDog · 01/04/2022 10:54

This is so much for someone, regardless of age, but you’ve got to figure it out while you live it rather than experiences to understand that the end of a relationship doesn’t mean it failed.

The best thing you can both do right now is exactly what you’ve said - work on yourselves, which also means not thinking in what ifs or when’s regarding when you’ll get back together.

Because what happens when you do that is you either both get to the point where you can healthily revisit the relationship, or you’ll both be in a happy and healthy place where you can move on with peace and respect for each other.

The one thing I would say, and not because I think you haven’t thought of it, but because I have lived a similar experience - remember your child in all of this. The push pull of parents leaving and coming back is harder on them and creates a lot of uncertainty and instability, which means sometimes it’s better to think rationally through the lens of how will my child feel safest? And at the moment you’ve got the benefit of then being to young to remember any of this and if you get to a healthier place apart, what effect would trying again and the cycle repeating have on them once they’re old enough to experience the loss to.

I know it hurts right now. But you will be ok

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/04/2022 11:12

You and your baby come first. Not somebody who has shoved thousands up his nose, been violent at work and gained the upper hand over you by saying he doesn't love you.

It's typical addict behaviour to lie, hurt, feel sorry for himself and always, always do what he wants even if it hurts the mother of his child and his child. He's an addict, nothing else matters to him that what he wants.

Protect yourself and your baby. Not him. He doesn't need it.

StopStartStop · 02/04/2022 07:25

Please stop trying to shoulder the blame for his behaviour. Even terrible pnd in a woman doesn't make her partner a coke addict! You and the baby first, him way down the line.

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