Friends dumped me after divorce - so sad - miss them

[Veronicawcaw]

I have just escaped a marriage with an abusive narcissist and my friends supported me for the first year. He has taken my money, my home and my child. I have a new relationship with a lovely man who my friends liked and were so pleased for me.

They now 2 years in have now mainly cut me and I never get included in invitations and my attempts to meet up are politely fobbed off.

They still have their tidy lives, immaculate homes and their children. I am excluded and it hurts. I am trying to keep it together as I like most have to work for a living and with the financial abuse and alienation from my son it is hard. I miss my friends. Were they just vapid and only there for the good times - do I really not need them at all?

I'm so sorry for you. They sound pretty shit actually. Leave them to it and find more deserving people to hang out with.

Could you speak to one of them OP (the most candid, ideally) and find out what’s afoot? It seems very odd.

I spoke to a close friend H of one of them and she said it was "getting a bit much" for my friend. My ex had been generally verbally abusive to anyone in my circle and I was in distress so I shared - but not too much. So I do understand. I however still bear the brunt of that abuse not them, I have lost my house, my possessions my child. Both parents died during lockdown. But I still work, I am still running, I am the same person.

My friends still have their tidy lives and I am happy for them. I was always there to help and advise them with their legal problems for free in the past but I am sad that no one thinks or should I ask her for coffee or include her in our little party. No, just out in the cold dealing with my grief.

This is a bit hard to understand, on one side you seem still devastated about what’s occured and on the other you’ve moved on and are in a serious relationship.

As someone has said it got too much, can you give that some thought? It indicates you spent a lot of time talking about you but maybe didn’t enquire about them. Your description of their lives doesn’t sound flattering, it feels like you think they owe you? Because in your mind they have it better?

How has he taken your money home and child?

@Veronicawcawb I think this happens when something really hits the worldview of other people. People can’t cope and try to distance themselves from the situation so that they don’t feel like it could happen to someone like them. They often blame the victim and see simplistic ways which the victim could have done better all in a bid to keep themselves protected from their lack of control in the world.

I had it with some friends after significant abuse in my family of origin came out. It was just too much for some people.

Of course there might be something in it being too much for others to handle too. I think you just have to find the good stuff put there as you are doing and focus on that.

You don’t really sound like you miss them. You sound very resentful of them, perhaps fairly, but it doesn’t sound like you’d benefit from having them in your life anymore.

I’m with @Ipadflowers on slight confusion about what stage you’re at. You want their support in your grief but also want their joy in how your life has moved on with your new partner? Do you want shoulders to cry on or happy dinners?

Of course their lives are the same as they were. As much as they cared for you their families, relationship, jobs etc have carried on and they’ll all have other people they know and care about who have troubles, as they may do themselves. It’s been a shit couple of years for most people in a million different ways.

You can't say your friends were only there for the good times while also saying they supported you for the first year after the split. It sounds like it's just getting too much for them, which isn't really surprising if after 2 years and you starting a new relationship, your friendships still centre on your ex. I can't begin to imagine what you've gone through, particularly the parental alienation, but friendship can't be take take take for 2 years with no consequences .

I just want to be normal and see my friends. I am a quiet, giving person who was trapped with a charming abuser.

I left because I was in danger that was not a nice experience, but I managed it. I shared some of this and they were pleased after so many years of difficulty that I had found someone kind.

I don't want shoulders to cry on I can "man up" and deal with my divorce issues without help (I shouldn't have to as I was always there for them). It seems to me that I was only a useful person because I was quiet, polite and nice company and could do their legal work for free but they got bored of listening to my problems. I didn't force the information, they pried. Maybe it was salacious at first but then got wearing.

I have lost my home and my child because I had to leave under police protection. He would have got into the house if I had him removed and probably murdered me in my bed... He has alienated my child and abused me in front of the child.

I am trying to get on with my life without my previous home of many years, loss of my parents, loss of my pets and my child! Just a friend to have supper with would be nice.

@Veronicawcaw

I just want to be normal and see my friends. I am a quiet, giving person who was trapped with a charming abuser.

I left because I was in danger that was not a nice experience, but I managed it. I shared some of this and they were pleased after so many years of difficulty that I had found someone kind.

I don't want shoulders to cry on I can "man up" and deal with my divorce issues without help (I shouldn't have to as I was always there for them). It seems to me that I was only a useful person because I was quiet, polite and nice company and could do their legal work for free but they got bored of listening to my problems. I didn't force the information, they pried. Maybe it was salacious at first but then got wearing.

I have lost my home and my child because I had to leave under police protection. He would have got into the house if I had him removed and probably murdered me in my bed... He has alienated my child and abused me in front of the child.

I am trying to get on with my life without my previous home of many years, loss of my parents, loss of my pets and my child! Just a friend to have supper with would be nice.

The same happened to me. I had to leave my home one day and all the possessions I were left with were the clothes I was wearing. Eventually when things were sorted out he took everything he wanted, my belongings, my cats and left me with some bits and pieces and hat he didn't want. "Friends" stopped talking to me and it seemed I was at fault for leaving and causing the split, they couldn't see I had to leave for my own safety. It's five years ago and it still annoys me but honestly what I have gained( my freedom) completely outweighs what I lost. Not meaning to be cruel but maybe your friends were fair weather friends and couldn't support you at your lowest time. You're better off without them.

Were you also a good friend to them when you were going through all of this? Maybe they found years of supporting you draining and the support wasn't reciprocated? You comment on their 'tidy lives' but maybe their lives aren't so 'tidy' and they also needed you.

I'm just guessing really. Try and repair the friendships if you value them. If not, move on.

Are you really trying to move on without seeing your child again? Maybe it’s something to do with that. It’s a shame they’re not there for you anymore, can you ask them why?

@Veronicawcaw

I just want to be normal and see my friends. I am a quiet, giving person who was trapped with a charming abuser.

I left because I was in danger that was not a nice experience, but I managed it. I shared some of this and they were pleased after so many years of difficulty that I had found someone kind.

I don't want shoulders to cry on I can "man up" and deal with my divorce issues without help (I shouldn't have to as I was always there for them). It seems to me that I was only a useful person because I was quiet, polite and nice company and could do their legal work for free but they got bored of listening to my problems. I didn't force the information, they pried. Maybe it was salacious at first but then got wearing.

I have lost my home and my child because I had to leave under police protection. He would have got into the house if I had him removed and probably murdered me in my bed... He has alienated my child and abused me in front of the child.

I am trying to get on with my life without my previous home of many years, loss of my parents, loss of my pets and my child! Just a friend to have supper with would be nice.

Surely by law you’d have had to go 50/50 with the house and the child? I can’t understand why you’ve given it all up?!!!

So sorry to hear that OP. Hugs.

I got dumped by very close friends while I was struggling with rounds of unsuccessful surgery. I poured my heart out to them and they - couldn’t cope with it. Having reflected much on what went wrong, I conclude that no matter how close you think your friends are, really what most peolle want is to have happy conversations about happy stuff and if I (or you) spend the most of the together time talking about sad things, people flee.

So, don’t treat friends as unpaid therapists is my advice 🤷‍♀️ I shall try to keep my sorrows mostly to myself in future.

Maybe they think you've abandoned your child? How old is the child?

This sounds awful. I don’t understand how you had to leave under police protection but the child was left with soneone you think would have murdered you?

I get it OP. I think when people go through things that are really traumatic (divorce, abuse as well as serious illness etc) some are unable to cope with it. Probably most of us live in a bubble of denial most of the time. And then when someone you know well goes through some trauma it brings home the fact that life is fragile and actually none of us are really in control, however lovely and neat your life is. Reality is just not something that some want to witness. I hope you have lovely and positive life going forward.

I don’t understand why you’re not using every legal route to get your child back. How old is your child? Unless they’re a teen and have decided not to see you, you should at least get 50/50 .

I am very confused- I understand walking away from the home. And to some extent in extreme circumstances I can understand needing to temporality leave without the child. But I cannot understand once you’re settled not doing everything in your legal power to continue your relationship with your child. Without knowing the details, I would find it very hard to continue to support a friend who seems to have given up on their child.

I left with my teenage son at the beginning of the 1st UK lockdown. I shared him 50/50 with his Dad. All solicitors offices were closed. I didn't know what to do. It took his Dad 3 months to alienate him. Then there were more incidents of domestic violence, police and social services involvement. In the end social services said they can't do anything as it doesn't quite meet their threshold.

Every family solicitor I speak to says it is too late as my son is a teenager. If I am lucky enough to get Cafcass involved they are apparently useless and will interview my child and accept he wants no contact.

I have trawled the internet for 2 years, reached out to family, friends, school, GP, neighbours anyone who could help but they after initial attempts naturally don't want to get involved in such an aggressive situation. I can't see my child's health records as they say he is Gillick competent whilst his interview as with My ex sitting over him.

I am now trying my MP.

So what I think I am saying is I miss my friends, I certainly didn't dump on them. Nobody knew details of the abuse as I never told anyone. They knew when I left that it was tough (yes I did talk about for a year but not exclusively - and they did ask and nosey about it) but then had enough of it. I have been strong, tried to fight for my child, kept a roof over my child's head, kept my job throughout lockdown, lost my parents, my sibling has also embezzled my parents' money and won't process probate or allow the estate to pay for any repairs to the dilapitdated property where I now live - so there we are.

So not a situation where I left my child with a dangerous man, a situation where I was foolish enough to believe that children need fathers even if that father is a bad husband. A situation where there was nowhere open for advice and now the window has gone.

These people have decided they don’t want a friendship with you anymore. You can resent that and you can resent them. We cannot explain why they individually or collectively decided to end the friendship. And, knowing them better than us, you cannot find a reason why all these people are avoiding you.

But we can tell you that you cannot demand friendship or time from anyone. Best to get on with your life. There doesn’t seem to anything you can learn.

Every single one of my friends has let me down. It's a shame, but so many people are fair weather friends. My 3 closest friends (of 20+ years), didn't check on me once when I was going through a divorce. A 4th friend was quite supportive, but then went off the rails with alcohol and accused me of having an affair with her very fat and ugly DH. A 5th friend shagged my H before we had even separated. A 6th friend assaulted me, because someone she liked asked me on a date. I am super wary now of making friends and tend to keep women at arms length. It's a shame, because a lot of women who I meet through work seem so lovely, but I don't try to pursue friendships any more.

Oh OP that sounds heartbreaking for you. Maybe just send him emails? Will he not see you at all? Is he close to 18? Parental alienation is awful. I think you need a fresh start with friends. New friends might be really great.

I think some people are being quote harsh to the OP's friends here - none of whom are in a position to defend themselves.

The reality is, OP, that these friends supported you through the first year and have seen you move on amd start a new relationship with a new man and leaving your child to do so.

Some will judge you for that; it being most women's biggest fear, and moving on with a new man.

Some will be experiencing compassion fatigue.

Se will feel that they don't know which version of you they are getting - the traumatised ex or the loved up version.

Personally, I think that old friends can be left in the past and setimws ot helps to enter a new phase of your life with new people around you. I know I've needed to at various stages when old friends were just too much of a reminder of a past I wanted to forget.

I do also think that some people have very high expectations of their friends.

have seen you move on amd start a new relationship with a new man and leaving your child to do so.

@BlueSlate

Where has this happened?