DF doesn’t understand what he’s saying is upsetting

[TonyBlairsLover]

Hi,
So I was eating tea with my DF and he asked me what I wanted to do for my 18th birthday. I told him I wanted to be Christened (personal reasons I will explain later). He said it’s a ‘stupid idea’ and non of my friends would want to come.

That comment annoyed me but I ignored it. He later on asked me why, I won’t go into detail as it’s l o n g and personal. Short version is that I used to be an alcoholic and I decided to turn to religion to help me, hence why I want to be Christened. He then went on to invalidate me saying I wasn’t an alcoholic, I lost my cool and walked off from the table. What a joke, he’s always at work yet invalidates my f/cking life like don’t tell me what happened and didn’t happen in my life.

My mum spoke to him but he doesn’t seem to understand what he’s done wrong. He’s always done this, he’ll pick on my life or appearance (often in public) then completely go blank to how he’s upsetting. And she lets him gets away with it, if I was horrible to him I sure wouldn’t. I’m far from a snowflake but I’m sick of my DF being able to pick on me and get away with it. I really don’t want my parents at my christening but oh well, thanks for listening to my rant

I’m just so confused by the user name and photo

I drank because I was upset with my life, it made me happy so ofc I did it. I won’t go into specifics (too long etc) but I was badly bullied through high school and I’ve had issues with both my parents in the past

@AlternativePerspective

Erm, you’re only 18 and you “used to be” an alcoholic?

What you mean is you are an alcoholic, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, there’s no “used to” about it.

But at 18? Really? Ok.

My mum is a recovering alcoholic - hasn't touched alcohol in 28 years, but still classes herself as "recovering", because she'll never able to drink "normally."

She's sponsored a few people who came into recovery before they were even of legal drinking age, so it's perfectly possible. She herself first got drunk at 14, and described it as feeling "like a miracle - all my problems would be solved, so long as I just stayed drunk."

@TonyBlairsLover, it's very common for the families of alcoholics not to recognise or acknowledge their loved ones problems, probably due to guilt and/or shame. Huge well done to you for getting sober though - keep going!

@Rafting2022 believe what you want to believe

@onewednesdayindecember I have a huge crush on him hence the name

So 15-16 years old? But you’re only 17 now so if you developed a drinks problem in such a short time there is no way you can count yourself sober/ recovered alcoholic. Most alcoholics have a problem throughout their life but certainly the timescale you mention doesn’t make sense. You are still an alcohol, even if you have recently knocked it on the head

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal I’m glad your mum is doing well. Thank you, I’m a bit worried how I’ll be when I Become an adult but I’m strong in my beliefs

@EssexLioness I get what you mean, I am worried about when I turn 18 and it becomes more easily available. One of the reasons I chose against going uni because of the drinks culture there

I used to work in treatment. My thought? There's a hole in your life which you filled with alcohol. Now you've filled it with religion.

Fix the hole, don't fill it with external things.

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I’ve got some work to get on with now. Enjoy your evening x

That sounds like a sensible decision. There is a lot of temptation at uni, especially during freshers week. I would really recommend you get professional help/ join AA if you haven’t done already. Unfortunately this is likely to be a lifelong battle for you and the chances of relapse are incredibly high. Best of luck

@MrsTerryPratchett

I used to work in treatment. My thought? There's a hole in your life which you filled with alcohol. Now you've filled it with religion.

Fix the hole, don't fill it with external things.

My thoughts exactly. Go to AA and get some counselling too. You seem to be lurching from one crutch to another in a short time.

Doi think your were technically an alcoholic (that started at 15, had been soccer for nearly a year already and us still only 17...) - no I don't, because of the timescales.

Do I think you started down a dangerous path with alcohol, realised your were starting to abuse it and turned things round very quickly - absolutely. And that's to be admired.

Saying you were an alcoholic sounds a bit overly dramatic, but I'm glad you've turned things around.

@TonyBlairsLover it would show such inner strength to be able to sit with the discomfort of your father's perceptions of you/christianity/alcoholism and to detach from the emotional reaction it gives you. Breath. Let that reaction pass you by. Let it go. It doesn't need to define you. You have rejected that reaction.

Good luck OP

Alcoholism is usually defined as the person having a physical and psychological dependence on alcohol. You can read more here castlecraig.co.uk/blog/2020/01/30/what-is-an-alcoholic
Someone who has an alcohol dependency and has stopped drinking is always referred to as a recovering alcoholic as it’s widely accepted as you can’t get over alcoholism and drink again in a “ normal” manner. If you had a poor relationship with alcohol and have given it up, well done as that is by far the best thing to do for your health. Just be aware that there will be temptations to drink, and these opportunities would be quite frequent in the army.
Have the birthday you want —- you only get one 18th. I don’t know why your father reacted as he did, maybe he’s not religious, maybe he finds the baptism of an adult a bit embarrassing, a bit out of his realm of experience. If he doesn’t want to attend invite the people you want there and who will celebrate with you. And have a great birthday.

Lots of teenagers drink under age, lots of teenagers drink more than they should, lots of teenagers drink to make themselves feel happy. Lots of teenagers stop when they realise it's affecting their school work and then cae about their grades and their future

This is not alcoholism.

The drinking culture in the armed forces is worse than uni. I’ve served in the navy and the army and there is so much drinking.

Whatever the techical definition of OPs previous drinking pattern is, she clearly identified it was a problem for her and took steps to address it. Religion is one of the less harmful crutches to lurch to.
OP if you want to be baptised for your 18th then go for it, invite your friends and enjoy the celebration.
It sounds like you’ve had a tough time though, and I agree with the others who say counselling is a good idea, along with some independence from your parents. That will come as you grow up a bit and move to a new type of adult relationship with them. Good luck

Who knew there'd be even more experts on your life right here on this thread, op.

You sound great, op.
Keep your chin up, you're doing really well and know what you want in life.
Best wishes and all the luck in the world for your 18th

@MrsTerryPratchett

I used to work in treatment. My thought? There's a hole in your life which you filled with alcohol. Now you've filled it with religion.

Fix the hole, don't fill it with external things.

I'm sorry but I think this is quite rude and patronising. I'm not particularly religious myself, but many, many people find great comfort in religion/ faith . I have former addicts in my family who have never been happier, ( and long-term drug free), since they got involved with a supportive local church. It's clearly much healthier for OP to be exploring religion than drinking excessively, I don't know why someone who "works in treatment," would discourage that.

Well done for addressing a problem, and finding a supportive crowd. I agree with a PP, you may need to discuss the whole army thing with someone there. It may not be easy to avoid alcohol there either. It's probably easier at Uni because you can choose who you hang out with.

That said, it's easier and much cheaper to leave home with the army, than with Uni or a job. It's possible someone at your church would consider you as a lodger, if you wanted to work or do Uni locally.

All the very best to you.

Ask at your church about the Alpha course. This can be an provide an indepth introduction and explanation about the Christian faith. I did this as an adult, after an extremely traumatic childhood. I then went on to be baptised and later confirmed. If you are serious about doing getting baptised then go for it. Speak to your vicar and start making arrangements. Try and ignore your dad and focus on developing your own life.