I contacted his ex. I'm disgusted with myself .

[hazardaguessagain]

Please advise.
I got horribly drunk during a dark phase a few months ago and contacted my boyfriends ex as we had had a huge argument and despite me telling him to do one , I was gutted when he ignored me and refused to communicate as I lost my temper and said some mean things.
I text her and we spoke. She was lovely and honest and his account of their relationship etc matched up entirely.
Like me, he is big into family and celebrating all events but she felt that their time together should be sacrosanct so he couldn't go to these events and it caused big angry rows on loop.
She has no family so perhaps couldn't understand his want for them to celebrate occasions etc with his family.
I Text to ask her if his shutdown of communication was normal as I was so distressed. She told me that it was... especially when like me, she told him to do one.
So as not to drop feed, I have big issues with rejection and abandonment and am in therapy for this. A childhood thing that extended into adult life.
I am making progress but it's slow of
Course.
He is an incredible bf. It's taken me
Two years to truly feel that I can trust myself again and also to trust him.
I've been picking holes, looking for reasons to finish with him, testing him and the list goes on.
He has never once given me reason not to trust him and I feel that I am finally getting comfortable until now....
I'm full of self loathing. I feel so disloyal and guilty and remorseful.
If I tell him, my conscience will have eased but he will dump me. If I don't I will always wonder 💭 f he'll find out.
He has no time for her. They don't talk anymore or see each other and Jesus doing on certain things that happened in their relationship , the idea that o reached out to her would simply be the end .
Please advise .
Ps I couldn't feel anymore awful about myself and am feeling delicate about it all.

He was not the man for you.

Contracting his x not the worst thing in the world if it is part of you realising that you need a bf who will not trigger yr abandonment wounds.

Check out the crappy childhood fairy on youtube, she has such good advice.
Brianna mcwilliams talks about how attachment styles affect our relationships. Alan robarge talks about relationships too. All 9n youtube. All excellent sourc3s of comfort and wisdom.

Thanks @Ambition9to5 .
We are still together after
Many hours of vulnerable chats about all our own baggage.differing communication styles for sure. We've arranged couples
Counselling also just to possibly air these difficulties and for both of us to be aware of the fall out of the issues and how to deal with them.
My therapist is supporting me through all of these issue also so I'll definitely look up those resources too.

You’ve made a mistake but it’s not the end of the world. If you choose to tell him then he might decide to break up with you over it and that’s fair enough as everyone has their own boundaries, but on the other hand he might decide that he can understand why you did it, he might decide that he believes you regret it, and he might decide to forgive you and move on. Don’t get hysterical if you do tell him, remember everyone makes mistakes, you can say sorry and feel a level of guilt proportionate to what you’ve done but don’t let him or yourself make you feel like you’re a terrible person for it. You’re not, you just made a mistake, like everyone else does.
I think you’ll struggle with the guilt if you don’t tell him and won’t be able to properly enjoy your relationship. If I was you I would tell him but I’d respect his decision to break up if he wants to. And if he doesn’t, then that’s wonderful and make sure you don’t fuck up again! :) xx

You need to be honest with him and tell him you spoke to his ex, unless you have done so already. I fear if the roles were reversed this wouldnt bode well for you on here so i think honesty with him is the best way forward.

Sounds like too much drama.

Oh I misunderstood, I thought it had ended. I was having therapy to deal with my parents total lack of willingness to see me as a whole 3 d person, but I have been listening to a lot of youtube clips over the years and they have helped JUST as much as the therapy. Although I did like both therapists.

The most recent therapist got me in to the practice of self-compassion which helps you be less reactive as well as more resilient. It's proven that showing yourself goodwill (ie, forgiving yourself for not handling a situation as well as you plan to in the future) makes you more resilient.

Rather than living in fear of ''fucking up'' the relationship in the future i would set the intention to 1) show yourself good will, 2) detach from your thoughts and 3) trust yourself to show yourself enough kindness that you would deal with a breakup.
.
Thoughts aren't facts! So let the thought pass through your body like a paedestrian on a footpath. It will come, it will go. It doesn't define you. It's a thought. this practice is proven to help you be less reactive
I need this tool myself.
But you most likely know all this from your own therapist!

Forgive yourself with self-compassion for any thing you wish you'd handled differently. you're human. you are living and learning.

I think the most important relationship here is your failing relationship with yourself. Either let yourself off the hook, and talk to him with the expectation that he'll do the same, or accept that you've made a mistake that he'll leave you for, and face that.

One option available to you is to recognise that people in healthy relationships don't surreptitiously phone their partner's exes, tell him that you don't feel the relationship is healthy, and leave the relationship without having to confess.