DH and I and money

[Melawati]

I've found out that DH has made some major financial decisions without consulting me, or sometimes when we have talked about it but not agreed, he has gone ahead with his choice anyway.

Some of this I've half known about but chosen not to pick the battle as we had a lot of other stuff going on. But we're entering into a new life phase which has meant we have been going over financial stuff and it's become clear that he's done way more than I thought and the fall out from some of his choices will have a big impact on us going forward.

Over the years of our marriage DH has been the main earner and while he has always said he thinks of everything as 'our money' it's really clear from his actions that he's much more of the opinion that it's 'his money' and that he gets to make the decisions. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting by feeling hurt and upset by this and that our marriage is based on lies, or if it's my fault for not keeping a closer eye on things.

How can we move past this?

I think it depends on what decisions he’s made without your agreement that determines whether you should get past it, can get past it, or even how you’d get past it. Examples

If it’s he’s bought a car....ok, that you can get past
If it he’s lost half a million betting on horses....Er probably shouldn’t get past it and either take control of finances or better yet leave him so your finances are not tied to his.

DH and Me and money

Sorry, I'm a bit pedantic.

Like pp, it depends on the amounts involved.

Depends what he's done, if he's now in 1000s of debt, which means you can't buy the bigger house you've been planning on then it's an issue, ir if he's knackered his credit rating. if he's bought himself a £150 coffee maker then it's not a game changer

I think he should have discussed it with you. But if he has earned the bulk of the money then it's his. Even more so with inheritance.

The way to go forward he hands over control of financials to you at least for a bit until you are both working towards the same open honest goals.

Sounds like you have been quite passive about money and gone along with the status quo for quite a while. And now mad at him because he took the lead and you dont like what he did.

I would say you are both in the wrong. Obviously, depending on what he has done will depend on who is more wrong.

But I don't think you can let the other person deal with the money, half know some stuff and then blame them entirely.

I agree that I have been passive and am partly to blame for where we are now. But where we’ve had a conversation where I’ve said ‘no, I really don’t want us to do X because I feel it’s too risky’ he’s done it anyway without telling me. Now we don’t have what I was expecting we’d have for our jointly agreed future plans.

The way he’s got the finances arranged is quite hard to keep track of as there’s lots of different accounts, even though they are mostly joint. I prefer to have everything in one place so it’s easier to see the big picture.

We’re in a mess, but we’re not destitute or anything. I guess what’s bothering me most is feeling I can’t trust him.

@KirstenBlest

DH and Me and money

Sorry, I'm a bit pedantic.

Like pp, it depends on the amounts involved.

"Me, my husband, and money"

"My husband and I, and money"

But where we’ve had a conversation where I’ve said ‘no, I really don’t want us to do X because I feel it’s too risky’ he’s done it anyway without telling me. Now we don’t have what I was expecting we’d have for our jointly agreed future plans.

He should have told you he was going forward anyway. That is not your fault at all. However, whether his decisions were too risky or your expectations were unrealistic, it’s impossible to say on so little information.

where we’ve had a conversation where I’ve said ‘no, I really don’t want us to do X because I feel it’s too risky’ he’s done it anyway without telling me. Now we don’t have what I was expecting we’d have for our jointly agreed future plans.

So his decisions have cost you money? They have been bad decisions? Like investing in risky stocks vs a diversified portfolio, say?

There’s nothing inherently wrong in having different accounts in different places - indeed it can be smart and advisable, depending on the sums.

Is it more that he’s tied up some money longer term or what?

What’s the actual lost opportunity as the consequence of his decisions? And is he sorry about it?

The way he’s got the finances arranged is quite hard to keep track of as there’s lots of different accounts, even though they are mostly joint. I prefer to have everything in one place so it’s easier to see the big picture.

But that just sounds like they are different investments? If you have everything "in one place" it would only be one investment, which is surely more risky (or not risky at all, which would mean low returns). Hard to say without more details, which I understand of course you won't want to provide. But if you mean he's invested savings in different funds rather than just having it in a savings account, or something like that, I see why he's done it.

The way he’s got the finances arranged is quite hard to keep track of as there’s lots of different accounts, even though they are mostly joint. I prefer to have everything in one place so it’s easier to see the big picture.

That’s just different ways of looking at money, some people like to have one pot for this thing and one pot for another thing, some ppl like just one big pot, there is no right or wrong, just different.