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Original poster

12 year age gap.. Can it work?

51 replies

Mindthegap653 · 31/03/2022 15:34

Met someone from OLD.
He is so unbelievably attractive and the personality of which I have got to know of him is also attractive.
I'm 36 and he's 48...
We both have our own kids, both have our own home and set up etc.
We're both keen to progress, we've dated nicely.
I'm just wondering if I'm going to find any stumbling blocks dating someone 12 years old..
He's very fit and works out every day and I was so attracted to him when I met him.
He said i was very grounded and had a lovely personality but I'm extremely responsible and he wouldn't have dated someone my age if they didn't have a child but because we have children we're on the same wavelength.
Am I going to regret it?

OP posts:
PurpleGlassBird · 31/03/2022 17:22

I'm 49 and my husband is 37. We've been very happily married for 11 years. Go for it.

GreenClock · 31/03/2022 17:23

If you’d met at a party, at work, or at the gym or something - fair enough. That’s probably how the positive examples given on this thread met, particularly those who’ve been married 20+ years.

But it was an OLD match which suggests that he was deliberately after a much younger woman and is a bit creepy. Honestly, in your position I’d keep looking and I’d set an upper age limit of 40 to weed out the wannabe Mick Jaggers.

TCMolly · 31/03/2022 17:31

There is 12 years between me and my husband.
We have been together since 1996.
It's not too large a gap.

Maskless · 31/03/2022 17:41

It worked for my sister. She married at 19 a man of 31.

They are now 69 and 81.

Figgyboa · 31/03/2022 21:04

Go for it! My dad is 10 years older than my mum, been married for over 40 years. I'm 8 years older than my DF, its never been an issue for us. We want the same things in life, that's what's important

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/04/2022 07:40

@5128gap

Oh, and a further note of caution, how low did he set his preferred age range on OLD to be matched with a 30s woman? Given we all age, I'd be a bit wary of a middle aged man who is only interested in women much younger than himself. If an age gap just happens because two people meet and get on despite their age, it's a different thing to a man who deliberately seeks it.
Grin Why does it matter, if the app matches you, it matches you? I met people on Bumble-Tinder outside of my age and distance requirements.

I think you're overthinking this, people can seek who they want, they actually have to match.
BTW I'm 48-DP is 36, it works in the main like every other relationship I've ever had. I dated everyone from 29 to 48.

Ringmaster27 · 01/04/2022 07:43

There’s 15 years between me and DP.
I’m late 20’s, he’s early 40’s.
Both have DCs from previous relationships, both have our own seperate lives, but just enjoy the time we spend together.
All I can say is if it feels right, just go with it!!

5128gap · 01/04/2022 08:27

Hr, the app isn't some all knowing being that finds one's soul mate. If the OPs older man deliberately set it to a younger age range it indicates he has traits that many women may be uncomfortable with. The OP has asked for the possible pitfalls, presumably from the point of view of women, not older men benefitting from these relationships. This, like the things I've mentioned in my other posts, is one of them. I appreciate that older men wouldn't want younger women thinking about their disadvantages as partners, but that is the reason the OP started the thread.

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2022 08:35

@5128gap is spot on. Definitely check this out.

Otherwise what is it you are looking for? If you don’t intend to marry again or live with someone I’d say go for it. If that is what you are looking for then I would keep looking

PussGirl · 01/04/2022 09:09

My DP is twelve years older - we are 56 & 68 & have been together for four years.

Both of us are fit, active & young in outlook.

I don't think we'd've got together if we'd met 30 years ago though - in my twenties I thought men in their thirties & forties were too old Grin

cheninblanc · 01/04/2022 09:26

My dh is 10 years older than me, I don't even think about it. We have a lovely marriage

Fitterbyfifty · 01/04/2022 09:29

Same difference as between me and dh. He's older but I'm more of an old codger than he is. Grin

Heartbeat3 · 01/04/2022 10:11

I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 12 years older, been together 25 years

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 01/04/2022 10:17

I don't think it's an issue unless he's wanting to retire and travel/sit around before you're able to.

Or if he stops being so attractive.

I do think you need to factor in how it will be later and the likelihood of being older and alone before your peers. Unless you think you can just leave when you want to if he ages in the future in which case he really deserves to know how you are likely to play that.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/04/2022 10:23

@5128gap

Hr, the app isn't some all knowing being that finds one's soul mate. If the OPs older man deliberately set it to a younger age range it indicates he has traits that many women may be uncomfortable with. The OP has asked for the possible pitfalls, presumably from the point of view of women, not older men benefitting from these relationships. This, like the things I've mentioned in my other posts, is one of them. I appreciate that older men wouldn't want younger women thinking about their disadvantages as partners, but that is the reason the OP started the thread.
'he has traits that many women may be uncomfortable with'. What traits? I think she may have concerns over long-term health implications, and attitudes, as one is older than the other. Not whether he has a machiavellian plot to sleep with younger women. The women are free to choose who they date are fully aware and consent to doing so.

Personally, I set my age range from 35-to 50 I think and changed it around a bit. You can even go international. Which was a lot of fun.
Dating apps are fun, they're not a comprehensive study into human mating preferences nor are they an indicator of patriarchal male behavior. Most users can't even get a match fgs. Grin

timestheyarechanging · 01/04/2022 11:09

My aunt and her first husband had a 30yr gap. They stayed together until he died 15 yrs ago, so together about 30 years and have 3 children (he had 4 from his previous marriage) so yes it can definitely work.
She was younger than his youngest son when they got together!
She's married again since, no more children, but still says her first husband was the love of her life.

Aprilx · 01/04/2022 11:24

For me that is pushing it. I dated somebody 14 years older than me throughout my 20s, didn’t ever think the age gap was a problem at the time, we split when I was about 30 / 31 for other reasons.

Now I am 51 and I am glad my husband is 48 and not 65, I don’t feel like we should be settling into retirement just yet.

5128gap · 01/04/2022 11:25

Lol at the thought that behaviour on dating apps doesn't give an indicator of patriarchal male behaviour!
What traits may a man have if he deliberately gravitates to significantly younger women? Well, firstly, i wouldn't go as far as to call it machievellian, as generally they're not that smart about it. But, my concerns would be:
It suggests he considers youth in women to be something he is entitled to, despite his own lack of it, which indicates a level of arrogance.
That he is either preoccupied with physical characteristics that he believes can only be found in young women, or personality traits that he ascribes to them, such as believing they will be more malleable, have greater dependence on him, have a tendancy to look up to him and bow to his greater wisdom.
Finally, as young women are older women in waiting, a woman who is with a man only attracted to youth may well be in a precarious position when she loses the main source of her attraction.

Original poster
Mindthegap653 · 01/04/2022 12:01

I think it's only a problem if you make it I guess. He ticks a lot of boxes, he's been nothing but respectful and lovely. I had to postpone our next date as my child is unwell and he was so understanding because he has kids himself. I like him so far, yes he does get the better end of the deal 🤣 but I find him so attractive.

OP posts:
BlueSlate · 01/04/2022 12:59

@5128gap

Lol at the thought that behaviour on dating apps doesn't give an indicator of patriarchal male behaviour! What traits may a man have if he deliberately gravitates to significantly younger women? Well, firstly, i wouldn't go as far as to call it machievellian, as generally they're not that smart about it. But, my concerns would be: It suggests he considers youth in women to be something he is entitled to, despite his own lack of it, which indicates a level of arrogance. That he is either preoccupied with physical characteristics that he believes can only be found in young women, or personality traits that he ascribes to them, such as believing they will be more malleable, have greater dependence on him, have a tendancy to look up to him and bow to his greater wisdom. Finally, as young women are older women in waiting, a woman who is with a man only attracted to youth may well be in a precarious position when she loses the main source of her attraction.
Yep. I dated a man who was 8 years older than me, who I knew through friends, but you'd have thought I was 25 the way he spoke to me (lots if, "You're probably too young to remember this but...) about things that happened in 1995. When I was 20.

You post summed him up to a T.

Also told me that, at his age, he didn't expect to be challenged on anything by a woman

Tippletopple · 01/04/2022 20:20

@BlueSlate But 8 years isn’t that uncommon or unreasonable an age gap - sounds like your ex definitely had issues, but not sure that supports what’s being discussed?

Mindthegap653 · 01/04/2022 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 01/04/2022 21:18

I am same age as you OP and my husband is 44 so we gave an 8 year gap. We gave been married 14 years and tbh have never so much as noticed our age gap unless we’re talking about 90’ music Grin

KosherDill · 01/04/2022 21:30

Always enjoyed older men more and sex etc never a problem with fit over-60s.

, I'd not give the age difference another thought.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 01/04/2022 22:44

Adam was significantly older than Eve.
Look how that turned out 😂😂😮

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