Best friend 10+ years

[Rowrowrowyourboat2]

Hello,

My best friend that I know since I was 10 years old, has changed her behaviour towards me and others.

To put things into perspective, she is 37 years old and not in a proper relationship the last 10+ years. This is because she was utterly in love with her first boyfriend and since then she was hoping that he will return, believed that he is the only one and no-one else is meant to be for her.

I and most of her friends are now married with kids. Her only and biggest desire in her life was to have a husband (in particular her first love) and have many kids ideally many years ago. This never happened! She used to say to me that even if she has kids now, she won't be happy because she has already lost so many years!

A couple of years ago she distanced herself from another a very close friend of ours for various reasons, the most important ones being that the other friend didn't prioritise her and her problems over her kids/husband etc., she couldn't find time for her and also because she didn't agree with her choices (in particular she didn't like the behaviour of her husband).

Anyway, I am now feeling that she is doing the same thing to me. She is never texting first, never asking how am I, she completely forgot the birthdays of my 3 kids etc. She is always polite when I text her but never makes the start and never keep the discussion going.

I always text her first every few days to see how she is but we used to talk on a daily basis...

We live in the same city, she is my best friend, the one that knows all my inner thoughts and everything and this is all so sad and weird !!!

Please help... sad

Just take space and give her time. She is obviously dealing with a lot of her own issues/baggage atm and not in the headspace to be the sort of friend you want.

Good friends can put their friends' needs above their own ocassionally and act with empathy and care. You're not doing that because you just want things to stay exactly the same. This isn't about you - she is allowed to want space and distance to figure things out, and when she has she'll reach out. Or she may realise that your lives are too different and the friendship reminds her of what she lost.

It is tough when things change but let her be, don't reach out anymore, let her come to you when she's ready. Acknowledge that she's having a tough time - tell her you'll be there when she's ready for it. Then focus on your other friends.

I am very happy to do what you say @phizog and you are absolutely right. This is a mature and correct reaction.

However, how can I can distance myself and tell her that she needs time and she can come when it's ready?

She needs to firstly acknowledge that she needs space. Otherwise, I am worried that she will blame me (like the other friend of ours) that I don't have time for her and that's why I distance myself...

She always says that she is fine and everything is ok, which is not true...

It's so hard having to deal with a broken phychology of someone when they don't have the courage to accept that is broken and blame others.

I deeply want to help her but I don't want her to accuse me of "forgetting" her, that's why I keep contact and keep texting to her.

It's all just so wrong...

Well if she never contacts you first, just leave it slightly longer and longer before you contact her each time, and the friendship might peter out naturally.

You are right… Although it’s so sad and not honest between so long and so strong friendships…

Let her go, op. You can't fix her.

It is very hard when friendships change. But unfortunately lives change and she cannot blame you because you have all got families and they do take up time. Of your you can priorities time for friends but probably not as much as she would like. I think you just need to focus on the friends and family you have around you as otherwise you'll bring yourself down trying to be the good friend. Friendship goes two way.

Sorry but come across a bit harsh OP but you're really not coming across as if you even like this person very much. There are lots of very sly digs here and there about how you view and judge her character and her behavoir. You've described her in a way that makes me think you see her as being sad, a failure and a bit manipulative.

I'm not trying to hurt you becasue i don't know the full situation but it might just be worth really thinking about how you view this person in your life and whether you're actually good for each other or whether it's best left in the past. I hope you resolve this whatever happens.xxx

Thank you all for your replies and advice!

@Geogaddi you are right that I am not coming across as I like this person very much. It's very hard to have positive feelings for someone that is not contacting you never first for months, never asks you anything and never shares something personal while you do.

Especially, if you were used to share all your thoughts and things and everything with this person!

I understand that there is a crisis in our relationship and I am just very fed up to keep trying and trying and trying without getting any honest response from the other side.

It's a situation that has been dragged for months and I am just tired!

On the other hand though, this person is a special person to me and I can't delete our past because at this moment in time doesn't want to open herself.

It's all so hard and I am very tired!

@Legoisaws8om Exactly because she can not openly blame me for having a family that takes time she is probably behaving as she is behaving.

In her mind though, if someone wants to find time then finds the time!

She also doesn't know how much time kids and husband take and I can't just give her a call at 9pm at night when kids are in bed, I had dinner and the dishes are in the dishwasher. At 9pm all I want is to lift my legs up for an hour until I go to bed or spend this time with my husband.

This lifestyle is so different to someone that is single and I am not sure that she appreciates that...

She feels left out and alone and that her life has no purpose, but how can I fix this?

Is this the way all single people that wanted to have a family start behaving when they get close to their 40s maybe?

I completely emphasise I am going through similar with a friend who seems to think I should be the one jumping through hoops to fit into her life and prove I am a good friend when I am also adjusting to life with a child and managing work and life with this too. It's hard if your naturally someone that feels like your a good person to feel like your being told your rubbish when at the end of the day life has changed and its not malicious or intentional that the friendship has changed along the way.

Does she show and interest in your family (if you wanted her too) I have two single friends who very much adore my child and are "aunty" or "uncle" to them. I do try to make time for them as friends too of course but they do understand they have had to fit into our lives. We do days out that are child friendly and they join us on that which they love. I think that's the difference. If your friend can't also accept your life has changed and that they need to also adjust as long as you give adult time back when you can too.

@Legoisaws8om If we arrange to meet, which is now rare because of this “new” relationship we have, then she appreciates that kids go to bed early for example.

However, she completely forgot my DS birthday last week and she has never done that in the past…

I really don’t know what to believe!

She has clearly preferred to distance herself but without openly admitting it…

I am the one that tries to keep the friendship (if that’s the right word) alive but I don’t know for how long I will be able to continue this one way relationship…

I have noticed a few of my friends becoming more like this the older they get. Priorities change for some people I guess. It doesn't make it any easier to accept because I value friendships. I have one friend who, since meeting her now boyfriend, has made practically no effort to meet up at all. I've actually stopped making plans with her now as I was repeatedly knocked back because she was with him. Another friend cancels all the time so I have also stopped with her too. I'm in a place now where I'm no longer prepared to put in effort when its not reciprocated. I would try to do this with your friend.

I have this too. I have a friend who is alone after a family tragedy. She rarely takes up invitations, never makes the first move, is never available to meet (anyone). At times I’ve felt angry or thought, this woman doesn’t like me. Why do I bother?
Yet I know she’s lonely so what do I do? Keep trying?
Tough one!

I think I’d just keep doing what you’re doing - sending nice texts letting you know you are thinking about her. Friendships do change as the years go by - there’s resentment and misunderstandings between my best mate and I! Life gets in the way. I have other friends and sometimes relationships are no longer how they used to be or how you want them to be. My advice is to concentrate on your family - they will be around a lot longer than her it seems x ps two last thoughts - does she distance herself for attention to see what the reaction is and how you will deal with it? And do you think she is ‘punishing’ you and her other friend for having the kids she wants?????