How do I realise I am worth more?

[classyT]

Instead of clinging onto a worthless abusive piece of shit? (As in ex)

How do I make myself realise that he's not worth the hurt it's causing?

How do I wake up and realise it? I wish there was a quick fix

What did he do?

Emotionally abusive, narcissist etc....just basically a selfish person that treats absolutely everyone horribly

Why do you want to stay with him?

I did it by making little decisions each day to do something that I knew, come bedtime, I'd look back and think 'Oh, I'm so glad I did x/y/z today'.

As I started to get used to that feeling, I started to seek it out, and avoid things that made me feel negative instead. I started avoiding people who made me feel negative.

It's not a quick fix but you can start right now. What could you do that you'll be glad you did, afterwards?

@callmeblondie

Why do you want to stay with him?

That's the thing, I don't. There's just this last little thread that's holding onto him and I can't cut it.

Feminism.

What I've realised is I am the issue here. He isn't a good person and he will never change. The issue I have is with me, I'm in therapy and trying to work on my self esteem and I have been doing so well on it.

@GeodesicDome

Feminism.

Good call 👍🏻

@Watchkeys

I did it by making little decisions each day to do something that I knew, come bedtime, I'd look back and think 'Oh, I'm so glad I did x/y/z today'.

As I started to get used to that feeling, I started to seek it out, and avoid things that made me feel negative instead. I started avoiding people who made me feel negative.

It's not a quick fix but you can start right now. What could you do that you'll be glad you did, afterwards?

There are things I could do. I've been looking after myself really well lately, I'd like to exercise more which I could do.

He weighs me down constantly with his anxiety and insecurities so I need to learn to love being free of that!

There are things I could do. I've been looking after myself really well lately, I'd like to exercise more which I could do

This is good. If you identify something you can do (this is what I did, anyway) just do it a little tiny bit. So, if you feel you need to exercise more, don't overface yourself with researching joining a gym and getting a personal trainer and how will I afford it and how will I sort out the time for myself and do I work out better in the morning or evening and what if I get an injury and... etc etc. Do 5 sit ups, now. Right now. Turn yourself into someone who has already started on your self care mission.

Do this with everything. If you think you need to eat better, give one of the chocolate biscuits in your fridge to nextdoor's little 'un. If you want to drink less, pour the last of that bottle of wine in the sink. If you want more interests, join a Meetup group. Do tiny things, but do them now, do one a day. You'll feel the impact very quickly of being in a relationship with someone who's good for you: you. And then other relationships will have to work hard to compare.

My view of relationships that don't make me happy now is 'I can't be bothered with this'. I used to try so hard, and need so much from others. Now I don't really need anything from anybody, so all my relationships (friends/family/partner) are ones that put a smile on my face, because I simply don't bother with the others, and you won't with your ex, either.

Honestly, start now. Do some little tiny thing, just for you, that'll make you feel you've done something good for yourself.

@classyT

What I've realised is I am the issue here. He isn't a good person and he will never change. The issue I have is with me, I'm in therapy and trying to work on my self esteem and I have been doing so well on it.

When I said 'I'm the issue here, I'm the one with the problem', upon making the same realisation, I was told 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.' Once I got my head round this, it was life-changing. Nothing special about me, and I could choose to be one of the self fulfilling people in life, or one of the ones who talked themselves down.

When me and my ex split up and I had a wobble, I'd think "what would we be doing right now?" (if we were still together). As my ex spent 95% of his time either on the laptop, watching TV, on his phone (chatting to other women a lot of the time!), sleeping or ranting at me. The answer was usually "not much" or something unpleasant. It helped me to realise that I actually was happier without him.

Thinking how it would be in that moment, actually stopped me falling into the trap of thinking about the good times because they were so few and far between. Focus on the realities of life with your ex, not what you hoped life would be.

Get angry

Therapy, feminism and surrounding yourself with positive, strong, emotionally intelligent people. That doesn’t mean just in real life but also, social media, podcasts, music, films, Tv - look at who you spend time with and what content you consume and ensure it is ALL in alignment with the goal of loving yourself more.

Therapy is the best way of changing your life long term but in the short term it’s making decisions every day that align with who and what you want to be.

Treating yourself kindly, being your best friend. Looking after your body, your mind, filling your life with things and people that make you feel good.

It’s not about never feeling low or down or having doubts about yourself or your worthiness - we all have these moments / days. Don’t flog yourself for it, just let the feelings pass without indulging them. Take yourself off to do something that makes you feel empowered.

And the bottom line is asking yourself if today was your last day, would you want to have spent your life hating yourself or loving yourself? Make the decision to always strive towards loving yourself - you won’t do it perfectly all the time but choose to do it little by little every day, over and over.