ongoing SIL "drama"

[thejadedone]

Back in 2019, SIL's ex-husband asked for a divorce. Divorce has been granted. Ex-BIL has moved on with his life, bought a new house etc. Since 2020, SIL moved back home with in-laws and her 10 year old child. We don't visit very much because visits feel like walking on eggshells around SIL and also because there really isn't the room for us to stay. Christmas was painful as everything we or rather I said she took the wrong way.

Later this year it is a very significant event for in-laws as they celebrate an important anniversary. DH called yesterday to find out what the plans were so we could look to book a hotel to come up and help them celebrate - a party had been suggested or sorting a party house so family could all get together.

MIL told DH that there wasn't any point in us making plans because SIL is "still not in a good place" and as a result any plans to celebrate their special occasion may not now happen.

I do agree with DH that after all of this time, why are we still all walking on eggshells around her when this celebration isn't about her, but his parents. MIL has asked if they can come and stay with us for 2 weeks later this year so SIL can get away.

I don't have the best relationship with SIL, but I also don't want to be walking on eggshells around her for 2 whole weeks in my own home. DH is on the phone to SIL a number of times a week, offering an ear and has tried to encourage her to find a place of her own as he feels that in a way she is being indulged. She then asked for us to give her £25k to help buy a property. We declined - she has nearly £300k stashed from the house sell. I personally found this really cheeky.

We are both feeling really fed up with the situation. Are we being really unsympathetic to something that has been going on for 2 years and is DH right to be annoyed that yet again a family gathering is being cancelled?

YANBU! It sounds like his parents need to be a bit more brutal. It’s been 3 years! I get that she’s sad but it sounds like she likes the attention and the ‘poor you, you’ve had an awful time sympathy.’ Does she have anything in her life that gives her fufillment (work/friends/hobbies etc?) They are not helping her by not encouraging her to crack on and make herself a new life. She’s gone back to being a child and whilst that’s probably nice it’s time to fly the nest again and well, grow the fuck up!
How old is she? Does she do the trick of crying whenever something she doesn’t like is suggested? Could your husband say ‘it’s mum and dads anniversary this year, I thought they’d love this (party/holiday etc) but they seem to think you wouldn’t manage it/manage without them around. I think this is stupid, what do you think?’

Not understanding something - is SIL planning to stay at yours for 2 weeks as well as her parents? Hence the eggshells?

Anyway, the family dynamic all sounds a bit messed up, catering to the SIL seems what it’s all about.

Distance distance distance. Let them organise or not organise events. Don’t lend money (cheeky cah indeed I agree). Don’t let them stay with you ever (excuse - you’re tired, unwell, busy at work, stressed at the moment, whatever, sorry, no is a complete sentence).

Distance. Don’t get involved. It’s Negative, wasted energy. Enjoy getting on with your life 🙂.

I agree with Pp, distance and don’t make her drama your drama. Totally different but I once started a job near Christmas, was asking everyone their plans etc. Doreen said it was a really difficult time since her husband left, agree that’s rough. Later on find out it was more than 10 years ago. Her kids were in high school, she had a large family but every significant event was marred because her husband had left her. At some point she has to choose to move on, you don’t have to take part in it.

Yes, often the most fortunate who whine the most! Jeez.

The only way she will stop her ways is if she stops being indulged. Do NOTHING

Well why don’t you organise a meal or something at a venue and tell her that she is welcome to come or not her decision but of course it’s only right that you as the children should do something for the occasion what a fab thing to achieve for your parents etc etc make it about them and what a lovely thing it will be for them
Make it normal perhaps ask her advice on where to go as a surprise I dunno you ll know how to pitch it but let it be known that this is happening and and she can decide how involved she wants to be