Anxiety or controlling?

[workworkworkugh]

Asking as I'm genuinely curious and want to educate myself but this is for (about a friend), genuinely, this is not about my DH and I.

Can a spouse have such severe anxiety/depression or separation anxiety that it causes panic attacks and therefor the other spouse feels they can't then go out with friends or for a night away etc?

I've just been reading about separation anxiety in adults but in my friends situation, and I'm hesitant to give many details in case she reads here, I still see it as manipulative and controlling. But I'm also a harsh judge on these things I think hence me asking here.

Yes I guess they can.

But then it comes down to what they do about it. If they know it's irrational and the other partner still goes out, lives their lives, perhaps it is something they can work through with therapy and medical help.

If on the other hand they expect the other partner to makes all the changes and sacrifices so they don't feel that way then it's control and abuse.

I don't know if they expect the person to stay home, but they are, they're not going anywhere.
To be supportive of course, but this isn't the first incident that's happened. It's just escalated very severely recently.

Are there any other factors to consider, e.g. they are worried about their spouse getting drunk when out?

Getting drunk, talking to guys or guys trying to talk to them, getting dressed up, that the people she is friends with are unhappy in their marriage and what they might be saying to her, car accident or them getting hurt etc etc

It sounds like controlling abusive behaviour; the reason why is irrelevant

I agree the reason is irrelevant. Either way they are controlling and limiting their partner. If it’s anxiety and they don’t seek help, the end result is the same. I reckon anxiety could just be an excuse to cover control.

I was married to someone like this. He used his anxiety to control and manipulate me. It was hell, and I made myself so small to keep him calm. In the end, I was a prisoner in my own home because it was easier for me.

I divorced him less than a year after we married.

It really depends on the situation and how both people feel.
Sometimes it can be very genuine and come from trauma and will get better over time.
Sometimes it’s just straight up controlling.

Key thing is though, both people have to be ok with it and prepared to work on it together if it’s genuine anxiety.

Yes, in a way but I would imagine there is an element of control too. In my case H had severe anxiety coupled with addiction and although I thought I was helping by staying behind and trying to 'fix' him, it actually only prolonged the issue. He had to chose to find help for himself and me masking it by doing everything he wanted made things worse.

I didn't have separation anxiety from my ex DP whatsoever, but I did have debilitating anxiety (which in retrospect was caused massively by my dismissive and unsupportive ex DP) which at times meant I felt I couldn't cope alone with our DS (particularly when he was very little).

I didn't mind him going out at all and would actively encourage it, and I was actively getting help and trying to get better. I certainly wasn't worried about him getting drunk, or being with other people, it was more I was terrified of my abilities as a parent (or lack thereof).

Yes, I would say that's possible but then if a person has such severe anxiety that their life (and the life of their spouse) is so limited, they do need to seek help whether that's through therapy, medication etc. They might not be cured but there are definitely things which can improve quality of life.

It's possible, but in that situation it is up to the anxious person to address their anxiety - and that includes letting their OH have a normal level of freedom and independence. It is also up to the partner to not pander to the anxiety.

For me there is a lot about anxiety that is controlling. Either to the individual or others. So I wouldn't split hairs about it. Just call it how it is.

There seems to be a common misconception that in order for behaviour to be controlling, it must be intentional.

That isn't so. Person A is stopping Person B from going out and enjoying their life. No matter what the reason, that is controlling.

Anxiety and depression can sometimes offer an explanation for abusive behaviours, but it's never an excuse, and such behaviour should never be tolerated under the guise of "supporting" the controlling person.

@workworkworkugh

Getting drunk, talking to guys or guys trying to talk to them, getting dressed up, that the people she is friends with are unhappy in their marriage and what they might be saying to her, car accident or them getting hurt etc etc

The problem is, those thoughts you have listed, will and do happen on a night out -trips away. Whoever it is, seems to be overthinking things too much, obvs driven by anxiety.

I think that if your relationship is limiting you, and it's because you're anxious, then you need to recognise that that's not a healthy dynamic, and leave. It doesn't really matter who is at fault or who's doing what on purpose. Essentially it's an unhappy set up, and self respecting people don't choose unhappy set ups for themselves.