Siblings all falling out with me.... I havn't done anything!

[IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads]

Im one of 4 siblings. 2 live abroad, 1 lives elsewhere in the UK (several hours, drive/ 100s miles away). It is infrequent that we all get together, through logistics, rather than, I thought, intention.

DDad died very long time. Until last year, DM lived in different part of the UK still, but nearish DB1 - not local, but near enough for a day visit. Last year DM got fed up of not being able to see her DC and DGC and bored of her own company, and moved the next village to me. She came here because I have the youngest DC (top primary/bottom of secondary) - all her other DGC have left school/home/university, - the eldest is about to get married . I did nothing to influence this decision, as I knew it would be controversial with my siblings.

Since DM moved, my two of my siblings have expressed that they feel that DM has treated me favourably, where was she when they needed help with their DC, how can they be expected to travel all the way to where I live/where she lives now, that i must have really emotionally blackmailed her to move, that am getting all this free childcare (1 evening, so we could go to an event she bought us a ticket to!). This has caused ill feeling and 2 have fallen out with me over this.

What has actually happened is that she was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks after moving and I have had to organise child care and have taken around a week's worth of annual leave so far to facilitate her hospital appointments, caring for her and her dogs etc. I have done this happily and willingly, because - she's my mum. My siblings have not - but still seem to think that i am freeloading favours off her constantly.

I've now found out that my siblings are all meeting up soon for a significant birthday. I'm not invited. Not a misunderstanding, a deliberate omission, I'm gutted. No idea how to speak to them or what to do now.

How upsetting for you. I don’t really have any useful advice except to say how awful for you and your mother who isn’t in the best of health. Maybe put the truth into an email/text to explain your side? I feel your pain - If things aren’t right with my sibling it makes me feel so bad x

They chose to move away so what did they expect? They sound very jealous.

Is your mum able to intervene? This is where her steer is important. Is she aware of the division?

they chose to conveniently fall out with you when your mother needed care. That says a lot about them really doesn't it. I am so sorry you have such unpleasant selfish siblings.

As your DCs aren't babies I really don't get what they're on about.
Your DM has come to a time in her life where she has assessed her situation and decided that being nearer you is best.

I would let it go - not try to win them over - it is probably one or two stirring it totally. - the birthday you will have to forego.

In my family the youngest (now 62) is still treated as not quite able to look after herself and a bit of a nuisance!!!!! She ignores and does her own thing. You should too.

Does your mum know? If she does, what does she say? Start messaging them with what you actually doing for your mum. Don’t expect replies but just so they are in loop of her treatment. Other than that, ignore. their jealousy is their issue . I’d find out what restaurants they go to and send a (cheap) bottle of wine to table with birthday wishes but that’s probably just me😂

If this went on between my children I'd be putting it right myself. I'd talk to them all and put right any wrong thinking. What has your mom done about this?

I'm really sorry that you're going through this, but what can you do? They've decided to be idiots. I don't think you can, or should bother trying to change their minds. Their point of view is way off, they all moved for goodness sake! Were they all hoping she'd move to them? And if they have to travel to visit her anyway what difference does it make to travel to a different place? They sound very self absorbed and petty, you are better off not worrying about them.

They've also shown you who they really are by not bothering with your mum during what must be a highly distressing time. Instead They've focused on how put out they are and colluded to be spiteful towards you. You can't get people that selfish to self reflect. I hope your mum recovers quickly. She's lucky to have you.

Hello,

My mum’s not really well enough to intervene. She is aware that there has been some kind of falling out, but thinks it will/has blown over, and what to expect with an ego like DBro.

She knows of the birthday (obvs) but not of the celebration. She is too ill to travel anyway, and certainly shouldn’t be worried/upset about what is basically sibling rivalry.

I’m not the youngest of my sibs @Polyanthus2, it’s my DC that are the youngest of their generation, but as you say, they are not babies. I do like your advice, along with others, that’s I’m going to have to let it go, but it makes me very sad.

I keep them up to date with what’s going on with DM, treatment, prognosis, what I’m doing, stuff like “if you need me, I’ll be a mum’s looking after her overnight, ring me on her landline, I’ve no network coverage thrr” and “mum still feeling really rough after last week’s chemo, please don’t send no there day flowers, they trigger nausea” , but between the need for air travel and work commitments (teaching), none of them are really in a position to help out.

To be honest, the jealousy/falling out happened a few weeks before the cancer diagnosis, that’s a bit of a red herring. I’m not asking for help looking after DM, I’m just very upset that they are completely cold shouldering me like they are.

Ah this is so hard and must be very painful for you. It sounds as though they all want feee childcare from your mum but aren't willing to help your mum when she needs their support. That's not how this works!
My only suggestion would be to write a carefully-worded email to them all which is kind and just explains everything along with your feelings of being excluded. You could even say to them that you want to be involved in their lives and likewise you'd like their emotional support as you help your mum.
Just an idea!

It sounds terrible; but have they always been a bit like this or is this completely new behaviour? All you can really do is the right thing,
which is what you are doing! They sound most unreasonable so please don’t blame yourself.

OP stop updating them unless it’s really important.
I set up a group to pass information on my elderly df.
Everyone said it was a good idea.

What actually happened in reality is my siblings felt that they had checked on df through my messages and did even less.

Then they all arranged to see him when I couldn’t attend and had a lovely meal together and left me all the dirty bed linen to wash!

So now I post nothing on the group, do my bit and nod along with my df when he mentions them.

@MostlyOk

Ah this is so hard and must be very painful for you. It sounds as though they all want feee childcare from your mum but aren't willing to help your mum when she needs their support. That's not how this works! My only suggestion would be to write a carefully-worded email to them all which is kind and just explains everything along with your feelings of being excluded. You could even say to them that you want to be involved in their lives and likewise you'd like their emotional support as you help your mum. Just an idea!

I agree with this post. I can really appreciate your feelings OP, we lived abroad for a few years when 2 of our kids were little and both sets of our DP’s missed out on a lot as did we, but we chose to move overseas and when we returned, we moved a long way from our parents and siblings. We all missed out on events but we would never have reacted like the OP’s siblings have. It’s extremely hurtful to deliberately exclude from a family gathering. Absolutely write an email to your siblings just as MostlyOk suggests. OP, your mum doesn’t deserve this happening amongst her children, it’s very hurtful and not what she needs at this time. I really hope you get this resolved.

Sorry for you op. Families are crap at times. I see devious behaviour in my own. I took a big step back after my parent passed. My husband is shocked but I said we not all like the Waltons!! Its sad though

We’ve always got on fine, me and my DBs particularly. The thing is, DM has never done childcare/babysitting for any of us! My youngest goes to secondary school in a few months, so our childcare needs are minimal.

Can’t you just explain as you have done here? Why would they think you have had lots of free childcare if you haven’t?

Did you not say that the decision was your Mum’s alone? Do you think that they think you are after her inheritance or influencing that in some way?

Sorry, I don’t have siblings but I would just spell it out to them and if they don’t like it, there’s not much you can do unfortunately.

Perhpas the DB whom your DM lived near is offended and feels it reflects badly on him and his partner.

Possibly, but when I say “near” I mean 2.5 hours drive rather than 6. His dc are in their 30s now.

DM’s reasons for moving were to be near her grandchildren that were still children - to see school plays, cheer at football matches that kind of thing. The next oldest grandchild is nearly 18!