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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told Hubby I want to end it but he won't let go.. advice needed

36 replies

Saz22 · 30/03/2022 21:06

Hi all, I've lingered here for some time and finally plucked up courage to post. Apologies for the long post but here goes:

Been married for 14 years, together 16. DD of 7.5 years when things changed massively in our relationship. He became very selfish and at first quite resentful towards our DC.. couldn't stand her crying, triggered if she would get hurt and cry, hardly liked to play with her, has never really taken her anywhere until this last year and has been a handful of ocassions, generally not wanting to be involved unless it suited. Don't get me wrong, she is the apple of his eye, he loves and adores her and would do anything for her. I suggested counselling for him on several ocassions as I'm sure his own childhood stuff was coming up, abandonment issues etc. He can be quite intimidating, never used violence here, but has a strong intimidating presence that everyone can pick up on when he's not in a good mood. He used to often take his frustrations out on me, blaming for things he couldn't work out like not being able to get the mic on his computer to work for interviews and other things. Awful towards the cat if he meowed, no tolerance. When he's in a good mood he's very pleasant, bit of a Jeckyl and Hyde character. We grew apart fast and I tried to help him build a better relationship with DD for both their sakes. It's gotten better but still falls short in so many ways. Wasn't bothered about doing anything as a couple, wasn't interested in couples therapy etc etc. Generally doesn't do a lot when at home, constantly eats junk food and rarely eats home cooked meals. Doesn't have anything to do with my family as he finds them difficult to tolerate. He's very focussed on his online presence, but has also been in and out of jobs as he can't stand to be a 'slave to the system', (I get that but..) Has so much potential to go further, do better but doesn't. I've thought about ending it for years but got serious about it in the last 12 months and especially the last 3 or 4. He has no friends and doesn't see much of his family.

So, this weekend just gone I finally had the chat that I'd put off for so long as I couldn't let another day go by. He was distraught, cried for 2 days straight. Doesn't want to let go, thinks we can work it out. I can't bear the thought though of being with him anymore and crave for me and DD to have a place of our own. I've had counselling for me which has helped me get clear and will have some for our DD too.

We chatted again last night, it got a bit more serious as he thinks I'm being unreasonable, that I'm going to destroy his life and our DD's, that I'll be effing her up, just like he was when he was a kid when his parents separated. He's said it's all going to change starting now, he's seen the error of his ways and he should be given a second chance (despite having had plenty of opportunities). He said his wife and child should be at home and that it can't happen, just no.

The devastation this will cause has been put squarely on my shoulders which has troubled me, but still feel I should do it.

Finding this part so hard and not sure how to pluck the courage for the next step. I really now just want to move out with dd (although scared of upsetting/damaging her) and also a bit scared to go against him if I'm honest.

He now wants to start getting involved with all the activities we do out side the home (we home educate) and I'm just not comfortable with that but he says that isn't fair.

Am i being unreasonable?? Any and all advice, greatly appreciated.

Thanks if you made it all the way to the end!

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/04/2022 11:51

Trouble now is, he's being this amazing Dad, spending hours playing with dd, taking interest in what she says, what she's doing, wanting to come to things we do normally and have built up with other friends

He won't maintain this, obviously.

And regardless I would be so pissed off that this proves he was perfectly capable of being an 'amazing dad' before this but chose not to be. If he insists he's making the active choice to do this stuff now, it means he could have all along. But he didn't care about either of you enough to do so.

And he won't continue doing all this stuff if you do split, because he will see 'good husband and father' as a role he wants to play for praise from people rather than being able to separate the two roles and no longer be a husband but still be a good father.

Because it will require more effort, more sacrifice and letting you move on. Sadly he'll probably largely shirk parental duties once you split and be either a Disney dad or not even that.

But that isn't on you and you can't stay with him for fear of this. Because he won't maintain how he's behaving now. His mask will slip and you'll be back to square one.

You know it's over. Stay firm on that.

Iloveyourbracelet · 01/04/2022 11:54

couldn't stand her crying, triggered if she would get hurt and cry, hardly liked to play with her, has never really taken her anywhere until this last year and has been a handful of ocassions, generally not wanting to be involved unless it suited. Don't get me wrong, she is the apple of his eye, he loves and adores her and would do anything for her

Bit worrying that you describe a terrible father who doesn't want to do anything for his child, then you say he adores her and will do anything for her. Why do you feel the need to try and defend him, even to strangers online when you know that he's a bad father?

19Bears · 01/04/2022 11:56

@layladomino

This man is not, and never has been a good dad. Not by any definition. Not in terms of doing things with his daughter, providing for his daughter, caring for his daughter, providing a calm and happy home environment for his daughter.

You are doing the only reasonable thing by divorcing him. And that won't be on you. It is HIM that's broken your family. HIM that's made this necessary. He has had YEARS to put this right, but only takes any action when you tell him you're leaving. In other words, he was happy for you to be unhappy for years, but as soon as it might inconvenience him he thinks it's worth some effort.

Don't listen to him guilt-tripping you about DD. He hasn't shown any signs of caring the past 7.5 years, so he certainly isn't thinking of her when he tries to get you to stay. He has shown in many ways that he only cares about himself. And that's what he's doing now, trying to limit the damage for himself.

He has 100% created this situation. You and your DD both deserve better than him. Keep moving with your plans. You and DD will both be happier.

This is great advice. He has caused this. You haven't randomly chosen to be unhappy. Same as me. Good luck OP x

Original poster

Saz22 · 01/04/2022 21:46

@Iloveyourbracelet

Yes I know that's contradictory, I guess I mean I know he loves and adores her deep down, even if he can rarely be bothered to show it. As for why I need to try and defend him.. good question.. good question.. Maybe I don't want to believe it's as bad as I think it is.. denial if you will. Hard to face the reality of it all. Forever the diplomat by nature which is so so hard too especially when it comes to something big like this that actually matters. But, here I am, I've said the words which has taken a long time to pluck the courage up for, and I see a better future when we're all in our new places. This bit right here and right now though, I'm fstruggling with.

OP posts:

Original poster

Saz22 · 01/04/2022 22:03

He has abandonment issues from when his Dad left and now he's super clingy with all of this. He's never liked us going to far and can't stand the idea of us staying out for a night with friend/family etc. I guess as i know it comes down to these childhood issues he has I've always swept things uder the carpet in sympathy for him hoping it will get better. the reality has hit home however. You could say I'm a fool and naive and that would probably be true in part.. but I also see that I/we've been taken advantage of too.

Feeling quite vulnerable tonight

OP posts:

Iloveyourbracelet · 01/04/2022 22:56

Yes I know that's contradictory, I guess I mean I know he loves and adores her deep down, even if he can rarely be bothered to show it

Its easy to say "i love you". Anyone can say those words. But love needs to be shown in every day gestures. Picking up a little something extra at the shops because dd will like it. Taking time to listen to her talk about her day, watching a tv show she likes with her, drawing with her, taking her out to share experiences with her. Basically showing her that she's worth spending time with and she's loved. That's what she deserves.

You've done really well to see what's happening and to post. Its hard to speak the truth to yourself sometimes. You'll get there faster if every time you recognise a problem, you don't need to immediately add a caveat, like "he loves dd and would do anything for her" when it's patently obvious that's unfortunately not true. He might love her but the "doing anything for her" - where's the evidence for that? Its ok to be honest with yourself about what's really happening, even if it's painful.

You're not a fool or naive to want to believe that he isn't what he's shown you all these years. But even if he's had a difficult time of it doesn't mean he can do the same to his child. You might be under the same roof but it doesn't mean your dd might not also feel abandoned by him. So you are doing the right thing.

Original poster

Saz22 · 01/04/2022 23:14

@Iloveyourbracelet

Yes I know that's contradictory, I guess I mean I know he loves and adores her deep down, even if he can rarely be bothered to show it

I think you're spot on with this

OP posts:

RedRoseRay · 01/04/2022 23:17

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. My ex promised the world too when I ended it and once he realised I wasn’t going to change my mind, he became enraged and proceeded to punish me for two years after our separation. It was really tough but I’m four years down the line and I’m so relieved I stuck to my guns. My children and I are much happier without him around. He was barely interested in the children before and now hardly sees them. I used to kid myself ‘he’s not the best dad but he loves them’ too. It’s only with distance between you that you’ll realise just how awful he’s treated you both for years. He’ll never permanently change. It’s all an act in his desperate attempt to keep his easy life where you’re his domestic servant and he can pretend to be a family man without actually being responsible or getting off his lazy, selfish ass to care for others. Stay strong. You can do this. It’ll be worth it in the end.

19Bears · 02/04/2022 00:19

This is so correct @RedRoseRay
It’s all an act in his desperate attempt to keep his easy life where you’re his domestic servant and he can pretend to be a family man without actually being responsible or getting off his lazy, selfish ass to care for others.

My DH likes to portray himself as a 'family man' to the outside world, but he does f* all with me or the kids. I've felt like a single mother for years as it's always me who plays with them or takes them out, he never bothers. And they never ask him. The sooner I get out the better.

Original poster

Saz22 · 02/04/2022 00:45

@RedRoseRay

Thanks for this RedRoseRay, that has hit the nail on the head. It's always felt like he's pretending to be the family man to others, especially in front of his parents, making all the right noises here and there, without any actual substance behind any of it. Once back at home, it would be back to reality, sit on the couch, junk food, work on his online profile to promote what he does and generally keep himself out of any family stuff as far as possible. I call it 'opting out.'

I stayed for many reasons, one of the biggies was to avoid any abandonment issues for dd if I got him to leave or if we left. However, I see now that was futile, as all the rejection she's had from him has probably created that very issue anyway. Luckily we have a really great counsellor play therapist that we see and will be seeing her to help get dd through this too.

I'm glad you are all much happier now and know that you did the right thing x

OP posts:

Original poster

Saz22 · 02/04/2022 00:51

@19Bears

This is so correct *@RedRoseRay* It’s all an act in his desperate attempt to keep his easy life where you’re his domestic servant and he can pretend to be a family man without actually being responsible or getting off his lazy, selfish ass to care for others.

I feel you there, one of the things i said to him the other night was that i've actually. felt like a single mom for for years already anyway as literally everything has been down to me. My dd eventually learned not to ask but it was heartbreaking on the odd occasion where she would ask in a bid for his attention. I really need out of here the more I sit recalling all of this stuff. I feel sick to the stomach.

OP posts:

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