Relationship with my mother

[parentissues]

I've never had a great relationship with my mum, nothing major to tell as such. I've tried to go low contact with her which I think helps my mental health as she's very negative and unhelpful if I ever speak to her and brings my mood crashing down. What I'm struggling with though is when I should I contact her. I keep thinking there's no point texting because it won't go well and we'll wind each other up but this leads me to being almost no contact with her. I don't know what to do for the best?

I’ve found WhatsApp a great help for keeping in touch while still keeping at arm’s length. It helps as it’s easier to take a breath before replying- and dot decide not to react to negativity- which I find much harder in person or on the phone.

It's OK to go no contact if you find your mental.health and wellbeing improves because of it.

Sending hugs your way. I know how u feel

You don't have to contact her (or anybody else) at all.

Wait until you feel like it. If that's never, that's fine. 2 people don't always have to get on well, even if they're related, and 2 people who don't get on well don't have to force a relationship.

We text occasionally which puts distance between us which helps but then I think what's the point in texting and we have to be so bland and polite with one another otherwise we upset each other that there seems no point to it all but I desperately want a relationship with her- a good one.

Hi op yes its draining. Dont think mine realises how difficult she is.. then nobody rings negative negative. I do call. But I dont enjoy it. I confronted her before she just got argumentative

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. I don't forgive her for how she treated me as a child and I do not agree with how she behaves now. I send her photos of my DC / her DGC as I know she cares for them but I find it hard to be in her company when she visits. She is very selfish, a fair weather person says she is there for me but if I am having a bad day tells me she doesn't have time for it (and is that way with other people), she can be rude to me and has a lot of opinions about how I raise DC but has no contribution. I used to video call her daily so she could see DGC and she seemed happy but I realised she made no effort.

She knows something is up as questioned the sentiment on her Mother's Day card. I don't think she realised why I don't really like her. It makes me feel odd to not like my mum but have a relationship with her at the same time eg we visit one another.

Do not feel obligated to keep contact. An occasional text is enough if that is what you want. Think about what the reason for your contact is. I feel obligated because of DHC but also for the rest of my family.

I’m having an increasingly difficult relationship with my mother. We were very close, and have been through a lot together. But I’ve realised she’s very controlling, more so as I’ve got older. She can be quite cruel with me, and more recently has started with my DD.
It’s literally made me ill but I can’t go back to her daily demands and drama, my confidence is on the floor. I feel for you OP, only you can decide what’s best for you but know that not all mother/daughter relationships are that good.

Not bother with the texting - just occasional call or see her? Texts seem pointless duty things. That way you are limiting contacting a lot more with her but when you do it’s more genuine, as far as it goes?

@parentissues

We text occasionally which puts distance between us which helps but then I think what's the point in texting and we have to be so bland and polite with one another otherwise we upset each other that there seems no point to it all but I desperately want a relationship with her- a good one.

She is who she is. You are who you are.

What you want doesn't materialise.

Work with what you have, rather than what you wish you had.

Yes mine controlling too. I call but keep it short. Yes its exhausting. They wont change

Just had to jump on this thread - I used to have a very close relationship with my mum - Until she married a toxic man. I also work for her - and I love my job. But, her relationship with this new man is so so toxic - they as a couple can't take any criticism nor admit fault. He controls just about everything she does and doesn't do and she brushes it aside because 'he's her husband now'. She puts him before her kids - 'because he's her husband now'.
She left my dad after he suffer a injury leaving him disabled. 'Claiming the marriage was bad before the incident' - nether of the kids ever noticed anything before the accident - we were a very happy close knit family.
I've basically been left single handedly managing things for my dad, aswell as being a wife myself, having my own home, a social life and working full time.
My sibling bothers very little - always "justified" but basically she's just to self-centred.

I love my job - but hate the fact I work for her. I don't want to leave, but I think once we've had a baby and start our family I won't return. Because it's just too toxic!
I suffer badly with anxiety and depression - I'm on meds and currently going through private therapy, which I pay for myself. My family are aware of this, it's been ongoing for about 5 years now.
I've been suicidal on several occasions.

Yet, my family - (bar my father) are all awful!! They are the most unsupportive, uncaring and self centred bunch.
If I have good news to present them with, I'm literally greeted with silence.... crickets!
Because she's married to a A**hole, if he's done something to upset her, completely unrelated to me, my life or anything to do with me. But I'll take the brunt of her mood - because she's scared to do so with him in fear he'll leg it.

You simply CANNOT communicate with ether of them. They instantly get extremely defensive and nasty. They lie constantly ... they say awful things and then completely deny saying it. To the extent they'll then project it onto you how hurt they are that I'd say that.
Any good deed they have ever done for us and just been used against us and held over our heads at a later date.

She's damaging my progress with my therapy constantly. I take ten steps forward, ten steps back once she's dug her claws in.
It feels genuinely abusive and bullyish. And she's smart with it, they both are. They'll never do it in a room full of people. And they'll always, ALWAYS change the narrative to suit them.
I've had my grandparents angry at me after confronting my mum and husband after disgusting behaviour on our wedding day - and they completely flipped it - somehow we even ended up being the badies!!

She's always been so excited at the prospect of becoming a grandmother one day - but I'll be honest, I don't want her near me or my baby.
I'm sick of threading on eggshells and I will not put my child in the firing line - ever.

@CrazyTimes123

I’m having an increasingly difficult relationship with my mother. We were very close, and have been through a lot together. But I’ve realised she’s very controlling, more so as I’ve got older. She can be quite cruel with me, and more recently has started with my DD. It’s literally made me ill but I can’t go back to her daily demands and drama, my confidence is on the floor. I feel for you OP, only you can decide what’s best for you but know that not all mother/daughter relationships are that good.

Is so difficult after being so close though isn't it @CrazyTimes123 - you almost cling onto that memory.. at least I know I have. But she's really making me resent her now.