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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My MIL - a rant pls

24 replies

MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 14:11

We had a pretty good relationship for a few years pre-children and then she started interfering/laying down the law as to how we parent our DC. I have been tolerant for a while and bend over backwards for them - they do nothing when they visit (still expect to have everything done when i've just had kids, they are well looked after, i have given up my bed when i've had a newborn and been heavily pregnant for their comfort. When i visit them for a weekend they never cook and make such a fuss that i cook the meals for all of us in advance and don't get much help with the DC at all - I do it because I want to make them welcome and because financially on the occassions when we've needed help they've been good to us.

On a recent visit my DS had gotten hold of something that i am very much against having in the house. They know this well. It has been a point of debate for years. I expressed my concern (a 2 minute rant which i feel i was entitled too) and off i went about my business hoovering her dining room after DC had eaten brekkie. Well she sneaks upstairs and informs FIL (not the calmest of ppl), he descends shouting at me (i am PG too) giving me a real good telling off and bringing up a few things he'd like to get off his chest too. He slates DH telling him he's this, that and the other (like they were waiting for this opportunity). DH has a go and tells them that I'm PG and not to cause me any stress that we're leaving and MIL says 'well i keep telling you to stop having kids, you just don't know when to stop and i've no sympathy'
I retreat to bedroom very upset packing all our bags, after big bust up with DH she comes up to apologise, is very unsincere you can tell she is only doing this for sake of DC - she can hardly even look at me. I say sorry X but i'm really upset over this how could you both shout at me like that - i did nothing wrong, pls leave me alone, i just want some space etc.. etc.. so she starts again 'you are no angel you, you just make a fuss over everything we do, well if you don't accept my apology you will never hear another one!' so i said 'okay your loss, just leave now pls' and out i go and pack car and take my DC away. DH left on good terms but assures me that once they've had time to reflect on it all he is going to talk to them. His dad was really horrible to him - really doesn't like him.

I don't want to see them again, i never want my DC (although they didnt understand this time) to see their mum being shouted at like this. I dont want them to ever visit me. Am i being OTT? I really dislike them after this and have no respect for them. The line has been drawn.

I cannot take abuse of anykind i grew up with too much of it. I just keep replaying these grown up inlaws standing there shouting at me while i'm stood PG in front of my DC. Not on is it?

Sorry, am really taking a look at my life this week and trying to get everything into perspective

OP posts:
indiechick · 07/01/2008 14:15

I think you're totally within your rights to expect them to treat you with respect at all times. This is precisely the reason I have limited contact with my mother and sister because they fail to treat me with respect. If you MIL cannot respect you then no, she does not get to spend time with you child. You come as a family, she accepts all of you, not just the grandkids.

LilRedWG · 07/01/2008 14:17

Agree - They need to earn your respect.

smallwhitecat · 07/01/2008 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mylittleponey · 07/01/2008 14:19

how awful - what a horrid thing to happen.

I'd not go back until I'd had the apology of a life time and then on my terms.

tissy · 07/01/2008 14:24

what had ds got hold of? Was it so bad that it warranted a two minute rant? That's quite a big rant in my book, and you were a guest in their house.

I would have held my tongue, got home, and then sworn never to set foot in their house again.Don't think your being pregnant makes much difference, to be honest, though shouting at you in front of your ds wasn't good.

TurkeyLurkey · 07/01/2008 14:29

Sorry MissTaken ID but you say you were entitled to a two minute rant..perhaps MIL felt the same when she had a go at you?

Sounds like you lost your cool and she responded.

Would you like to patch things up with them? IF so, you may have extend an olive branch, apologise for your rant and see what they have to say?

MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 14:29

Thanks for the replies.

Tissy - I had to make a point, it's been something we've debated over for years and the very fact that it was left there for a child to get hold of shows me again that they have no respect for my wishes. If i was a guest in their house i would not need to cook, clean and run around after them, so i don't see myself as a guest at all. They are guests when they visit me, they get everything done for them, cooked breakfasts, big meals, even make sure FIL has his fav paper on table when he comes and comfy chair, stool etc.. i enjoy being hospitable and i think i'm a good DIL. I don't think it's fair that regardless of the situation I am shouted down like that - it really hurt.

Perhaps i should have acted as a guest all these years, may have earned more respect.

OP posts:
MummyDoIt · 07/01/2008 14:30

Agree with Tissy. If Ds had got hold of something like illegal drugs, then a two minute rant would be quite restrained. If, on the other hand, it was a Froot Shoot or a bag of Haribo, it might have been a bit of an over-reaction.

tissy · 07/01/2008 14:32

what was it? Matches? Sweets? A sahrp knife?

pooka · 07/01/2008 14:33

I reckon a cigarette lighter/box of fags

Winetimeisfinetime · 07/01/2008 14:33

Do you think your dh will speak to them about how unacceptable their behaviour is ? Because if he doesn't - you already mentioned that he left them on good terms which I find puzzling after their outburst and wonder if he will be prepared to confront them, it could end up causing rifts between you as you will feel he isn't prepared to stand up for you and the dc. I mention this as I also have problems with my mil who can be very toxic and my dh is always 'going' to speak to her but always ends up bottling out and it has caused real issues for us as a couple as I feel he won't stick up for us and by default sides with her.

In my experience of pil problems the key is in how your dh does/ doesn't deal with it.

TurkeyLurkey · 07/01/2008 14:34

A toy gun/sword?

MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 14:34

TurkeyLurkey - Have said nothing in many years except on one previous occassion. I leave it to DH to deal with his parents to ensure no anomosity. My rant was very short lived - I saw my DC doing something that upset me and could have caused him harm - if i don't express a little upset then when do i do it?

OP posts:
tissy · 07/01/2008 14:36

what was ds doing? The very fact that you're not telling us suggests that YABU, I'm afraid.

Baffy · 07/01/2008 14:38

It's hard to comment when I don't know what your rant was about because we don't know whether you were OTT or not.

Regardless of that, them shouting at you, you doing all the cooking and cleaning etc in their home is not on! They sound totally unreasonable, ungreatful and frankly I think you'd be a lot happier if you didn't see them again!

TurkeyLurkey · 07/01/2008 14:40

I just think its your rant that set them off. Rather than rant to MIL about the problem there are more adult ways of dealing with situations you don't want. You give the impression that you were entitled to rant at her but they weren't entitled to rant back at you?

IF you re-play the scenario with you speaking calmly to her about why you didn't want your lad to have whatever it was you may imagine a very different response from them I'm sure. But hey, hindsight is a wonderful thing, with which we would all be geniuses in these situations.

(I love a good rant by the way and know how hard it is in some situations to keep cool).

MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 14:41

Thanks - i needed to see both sides of the coin. DH will deal with it, he just takes his own time and does it in HIS way. I was just really feeling a bit guilty because that's the kind of person i am.

As for the object, no not anything silly like a bag of sweets FGS he is welcome to them. I will tell you if it makes a difference, my DS was drinking out of a bottle, contents all over him and he reeked, made my stomach turn and i lifted him up, ran with him to the sink, washed his mouth out, changed him and my rant was 'Couldn't anyone have made sure they drink was all put away last night..i've told you so many times no alcohol around the children, he reeks - [call to DH to come and see how DS is] He hadn't consumed much bottle was obviously too heavy and that was my rant over but it's something i've been saying for years, do not leave your fags, spliffs (BIL) alcohol around on low tables when my kids are around. And yes, i should have checked myself but i was too busy doing a family breakfast and thought MIL/DH were with my DS as they should have been.
Hope that makes things clearer. I am cool with anything else. Not those.

OP posts:
MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 14:43

Tissy - what does YABU mean?

Turkeylurkey - thanks.

OP posts:
Jackstini · 07/01/2008 14:46

MTI - need to tell us the item really for an honest comment on that part, but the fact you have asked them before not to have 'it' around means they are undermining you and this is disrespectful
Shouting at you in front of dcs is not on, but you ranted at them too. I don't think it is a reason never to let them see gc again, although heat of moment you are still v p'd off!
When dh discusses the situation with them a decision needs to be made on how you treat each other. Either you are treated as a guest there and vice versa or you are treated as family and muck in at each other's houses.
Not fair for them to be a guest with you and you to be a skivvy with them imo!
Congrats on your pregnancy btw and hope your blood pressure is OK!

BandofMothers · 07/01/2008 14:48

I would be pissed off if it had happened to my kids, but then there is a difference between a few sips of beer, and a few sips of Vodka too.
I think the fact that no one was watching him when they should have been while you were busy might have been the main thing i would rant about, but then it is incredibly annoying when you have repeatedly requested these things be put away when the kids are around, and the fact that it still isn't getting done does show a lack of respect for you and your feelings/requests.
I don't think you were being unreasonable.

MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 14:49

Thanks Jackstini - Your post makes lots of sense. I think you are right in that when DH speaks to them we need to be on even ground if we are to make anything of this situation. Thank you so much for your congrats

OP posts:
quickdrawmcgraw · 07/01/2008 14:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable either. If you'd already had this conversation many times and your wishes weren't taken into concideration then you were entitled to have a rant. Combined with all the other things you've mentioned I think that you should hold your head high and put distance between you and them until they take your wishes and concerns into concideration.

Jackstini · 07/01/2008 14:56

And now I know what it is you were right to rant!

MissTakenID · 07/01/2008 15:04

Thank you - God I feel like someone is listening to me finally...thank you!! Don't get me wrong, as MIL said, am no angel, am also moody and stroppy and a bag of hormones waiting to bust in PG but I do expect that the few things i ask for when my DC are around are taken seriously...it's been years FGS, it's like they were happy it happened and i'm just an old conservative making a fuss. If it had been BIL's girlfriend's DS it would have been a big laugh i'm sure and FIL would have boasted merrily about it to all family members...

Thanks all

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