Didn't go back to abusive ex....but almost did. Support please x

[chasingdreamsx]

I left him 6 months ago. He's been trying to worm his way back in ever since.

Although I didn't go back to him, I did let myself get closer to him, believing that he had changed.

In the time we were apart, he had been seeing someone else but promised me they were just 'friends'. Although I knew they were more than that, I had left him and he was free to do what he liked.

He ended things with her and I've since revived numerous messages from her, the latest one being last night that they were actually sleeping together while he was trying to get me back. At Christmas. He was with me at Christmas and our dc.

Ex is denying this saying she is crazy blah blah blah.

I'm too old for this. I don't want to play his games anymore.

I'm having therapy which is great and really helped me. He is also having therapy and I just wanted to give him one last chance that he could change - he hasn't.

Like I say, I'm not living with him. I never went back to him but I did allow myself to talk to him more, meet up for tea etc.

He was never physically abusive, he was emotionally and quite cleverly controlling. He admitted he was all these things from his therapy and determined to change.

Just need somewhere to vent. I don't really feel upset, I supposed I just needed to give him one last chance as he was having therapy himself and really seemed to want to change. I needed to make sure I knew he never would change if that makes sense?

Sorry for the rambling - I'm tired x

I can imagine you're tired - it all takes a toll on your energy. And your desire to check whether your own instincts were right is also understandable. Keep your boundaries firmly in place - you've been doing well and it will get easier.

@humancalculator

I can imagine you're tired - it all takes a toll on your energy. And your desire to check whether your own instincts were right is also understandable. Keep your boundaries firmly in place - you've been doing well and it will get easier.

Thank you. I take full responsibility for this, I didn't have to let him back in. I could of been further on in my journey of getting over it by now but he seemed to have really been trying to turn his life around.

I'll go easy on myself - it's so hard to get out of it x

You didn’t get back with him so congratulate yourself for that! You’re a kind and loving person who wants to believe the best in people so don’t feel bad about that. Keep your boundaries strong and you’ll be fine

@RoyKentsChestHair

You didn’t get back with him so congratulate yourself for that! You’re a kind and loving person who wants to believe the best in people so don’t feel bad about that. Keep your boundaries strong and you’ll be fine

That's exactly it, I want him to change for his sake. I don't wish any bad on him. But I'm past helping him now.

I've been accused of all sorts over the past 6 months. He's accused me of messaging other men, having a secret relationship with dds swimming teacher 🙄 all sorts.

It's him that's slept with other women in the time we've been apart. I've done absolutely nothing with anyone else.

Sometimes I have can't quite get my head around it all. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone, I've never cheated in my life. Yet I'm being accused of things I haven't done but he's the one that's done it!

@chasingdreamsx

I've been accused of all sorts over the past 6 months. He's accused me of messaging other men, having a secret relationship with dds swimming teacher 🙄 all sorts.

It's him that's slept with other women in the time we've been apart. I've done absolutely nothing with anyone else.

Sometimes I have can't quite get my head around it all. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone, I've never cheated in my life. Yet I'm being accused of things I haven't done but he's the one that's done it!

The temptation is often based on the idea that if you go back to an abusive ex, then all this shit stops. It feels like it would be more peaceful to just go back. It won’t be. He is abusive and manipulative and he won’t change. He can’t. Abusive is who and what he is.

What you need is a pulling away strategy.

Put yourself as far beyond the contact and the games as you can.

@chasingdreamsx

I've been accused of all sorts over the past 6 months. He's accused me of messaging other men, having a secret relationship with dds swimming teacher 🙄 all sorts.

It's him that's slept with other women in the time we've been apart. I've done absolutely nothing with anyone else.

Sometimes I have can't quite get my head around it all. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone, I've never cheated in my life. Yet I'm being accused of things I haven't done but he's the one that's done it!

even if you had been messaging other men or seeing the swim teacher or doing anything with anyone - it is none of his business and you no longer have to answer to him. Whilst you give him the permission to state these things to you, you are giving him permission to have a say in your life and make you feel bad.

STOP IT NOW - YOU HAVENT CHEATED AS YOU ARE NO LONGER A COUPLE - tell him its none of his business and ignore

Nobody should blame you for getting tired and going backwards rather than forward. You're exhausted. I agree with other PP in that your body just wants peace and it'll seek the path of least resistance, which seems to be to go back to someone who appears to have changed.
His change is temporary. Designed to get you to go back. You know this.
Keep going forward. So what if you take a step back? You are still moving forward. You will get there eventually. It just takes time.

Thank you for these responses, I sort of expected to get slated.

Despite everything, I do have a good head on my shoulders. I can see how it was all wrong, how I was abused etc etc. i begged him to go to therapy for years and it wasn't until i left that he finally did.

I expected him to last a couple of sessions. That was 4 months ago. He's still in therapy and he seemed to be doing so well! That's what made me let my guard down and let him in slightly. He was finally doing what I wanted all these years! He had a traumatic childhood and absolutely awful things happen to him in adult life too.

Despite all this - it hasn't done anything for his insecurities. And now I'm wondering what he is actually telling his therapist. Not that it's any of my business but he's a compulsive liar.

I'll admit to looking through is phone the other day. He was always adamant he was only speaking too/seeing one other woman during the time we were properly apart. I found messages from a different woman - not recent messages but it doesn't matter. I've asked him out right since if there were anymore women other than the one I know about and his reply was 'no of course not'

Again, he was free to do what he wanted but during our time apart, he was always messaging me with how much he loved me etc etc. He was fighting for our marriage apparently....while messaging other woman.

I just can't do it anymore