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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

splitting up with partner having a kid

16 replies

Nousese · 30/03/2022 11:52

Hi,
Partner and I have been together for 14 years. Bought a house together 50/50, have a son almost 6 years. Things have been bad for last 2 years. When I have my son I stop working and partner never complaint about it. The first two years he had a normal job so wanted to go for a contract and he wanted to stay overnight twice a week as it was almost 2 hours away. i insisted no but he said we could re do the house as it was good money. Started to work there making good money but he just wanted to provide for the basics. The bathroom was falling apart full of mould, the sink split up and it was dangerous for my son. After asking many times and several arguments he finally agreed to re do it. The carpet in the house was disgusting more than 1o years probably so a year after the same problem to try him to spend money on it. He was earning really good money enough to do this and save. A part of this, he is very selfish and controller. He buys what he thinks it is needed and when I said we need this even if it is for my son it is a big problem and an argument. When he was working close home, He never wanted to give the card to do shopping he would prefer to come back to work and do it him self. once he started to stay away for the new job i told him he could not let me at home alone without money and started to give me some cash. In summary, last year 2021 in February our mortgage expired and he tells me he wanted to remortgage the house £20000 more as he wanted back the money he spent on the house. For me this was horrible, made me feel like this relation was a business not family. Had a massive argument almost split, and he came back to me asking to try again given us another opportunity, But then, now he wanted to do the mortgage just interest only which again made feel he was not treating us as a family. I totally refused and finally we did it as fixed interest. Since then I have been very disappointed, and soon after |I got a job thinking things will get better but no. I started to work doing 27 hours a day while my kid goes to reception. I earn 1/3 of his salary so I said we contribute proportional to earnings and he need to clean the house as much as me. He continue like before when I was not working just helping taking out rubbish and helping with the kitchen when ever he wanted so then i said you paid the food as it is nor fair I am working and doing 90% cleaning. We do not have a dining table he never bought it even I was asking since my kind was a year old. So i thought now i am working we can buy it together, but when I asked him he said you buy it I am paying the food and when we go out. Then, i was asking we could go on holiday and the same a problem. Now for this half term I was asking lets go some place and he finally said look for something, I started to look and send it to him, i would ask him what do you think and he would say i havent have a look, why dont we go to barcelona, or lets go for a week, etc. 4 days went pass and I said we need to book something before price up and he said ok, book it. Then he calls me when he was doing the dishes and tells me he does not want to be, he is not in love with me any more and said to me I did not look surprise. I just said to him move out from here, but he said not this is his house too.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2022 11:59

Sorry but I can't read that block of text. Could you edit with paragraphs?

So has your partner left you? I really don't understand what you're asking.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2022 11:59

27 hours a day?

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2022 13:01

I think you mean working 27 hours a week. Are you asking if you should leave him as you're not happy.

Violet869 · 30/03/2022 13:22

It’s sounds like you stopped working? Is your son, his son too? As you keep referring to him as your son. He became financially abusive, you got a job, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, he then told you he is not in love with you anymore, then said he’s not leaving because the house belongs to you both.

Is the house in both of your names? If so, you sell and split the equity and part ways.

Nousese · 30/03/2022 13:44

Sorry our son, i am still working 27 hours a week. Yes house in both names. I would like he to move out while selling the house but he doesn’t want to. I am so sad that i just thought to post here. Before i had our some we both were working as a contractors both as directors of his limited company. There was some of my money left and when I asked him about it he said he uses it to help us to survive the first year but he never told me about it after 2 years I remember i had some money left. We do online shopping using his credit card and now that we split up i did the online shopping all regarding our son. He cancelled, went to supermarket and bought what he considered our kid needs and the changed the password to stop me doing the shopping

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/03/2022 17:15

So if you're still working, how are you being paid?

Jk24 · 31/03/2022 00:14

Op I don't think you should have control of his cards tbh so I agree with him there. Was it also agreed you would take so long out after having your son? In all honesty when I took 10 months out after having my son, I wouldn't have been expecting 20k being spent on the house by my dh. I think you're asking a bit much there, that being said I do not think he should remortgage the house to get "his' money back, or leave you without money for essentials. Without knowing all the details its difficult to advise

Aprilx · 31/03/2022 06:02

Neither of you sound happy and i think splitting is the best option, good that you have gone back to work. He doesn’t have to leave the house any more than you do, if neither of you wishes to leave then you need to learn to cohabit and look to sell as soon as possible. Obviously not ideal, but it does sometimes happen.

Turningpurple · 31/03/2022 06:17

I think there's expectations that are wrong on your side. He sounds tight or like he never agreed to be the sole provider for the family and resents it.

He is right. It is his house to, you can't make him leave. You need to prepare the house to sell and go your separate ways. He pays CMS, presuming he won't be having the child 50:50.

You will be happier in the long run.

Turningpurple · 31/03/2022 06:19

If your finances are now completely separate, I believe you can put a claim in for CMS now.

Turningpurple · 31/03/2022 06:20

Oh and you might be able to get some UC.

Russell19 · 31/03/2022 06:27

If you don't work and can't contribute a fair share then you can't really demand new carpets and bathrooms. I think he feels used for cash and I'm not surprised.
The only thing I think he is BU about is the food shop. But if you work 27 hours a week , where is that money going?

Fireflygal · 31/03/2022 07:36

Op, appreciate English isn't your first language. Are you in the UK?
He has been financially controlling. It seems you will have to go it alone which is scary prospect but you can do it.

Do you know how much the house is worth vs mortgage? Unfortunately you can't make him move out so will need to put the house up for sale. It's often a horrendous time if you have to live together whilst splitting up. Do you have any family or friends around?

Nousese · 31/03/2022 09:19

As i am earning 1/3 of his salary i contribute equivalent to it. He never told me that i needed to go back to work he just wanted to buy what he feels we needed not considering my opinion. No family here from his side or my side.He offered to buy me a car and i said better use that money to change the carpet. Our son was concived by ivf and i was the one who pay 90% of it and i never ask for any money back. For me a family is to support each other and not being materialistic. Once I started to work we have arguments for cleaning the house and as he was offered a job in a bank he asked me to stop working so he could have more freedom for his job. I said no.I never thought looking after our son was using him as i have my career which i love and i only did it for our son. If i had continued to work I would have made a lot of money and not being humiliated. When our son was 18 months i asked he needed a cup for drinking water and he never bought it until a relative came to visit us and ask why doesn't he have a drinking bottle. I am not from here, no family here.

OP posts:
Turningpurple · 31/03/2022 11:13

@Nousese

As i am earning 1/3 of his salary i contribute equivalent to it. He never told me that i needed to go back to work he just wanted to buy what he feels we needed not considering my opinion. No family here from his side or my side.He offered to buy me a car and i said better use that money to change the carpet. Our son was concived by ivf and i was the one who pay 90% of it and i never ask for any money back. For me a family is to support each other and not being materialistic. Once I started to work we have arguments for cleaning the house and as he was offered a job in a bank he asked me to stop working so he could have more freedom for his job. I said no.I never thought looking after our son was using him as i have my career which i love and i only did it for our son. If i had continued to work I would have made a lot of money and not being humiliated. When our son was 18 months i asked he needed a cup for drinking water and he never bought it until a relative came to visit us and ask why doesn't he have a drinking bottle. I am not from here, no family here.
Where was you child benefit being paid to?

At best your relationship sounds very poor.

At worse he was being financially abusive.

Its hard to tell as some of the areas you talk about are muddied. Him not buying a cup 4.5 years ago could either be a small thing or a big thing.

I suggest you stop going over the paT for the time being and start working on your plan to move forward.

He doesn't have to leave. I presume your aren't married, so you needs to get the house sold so you can move forward with your life. Build one that is the life you want.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 31/03/2022 11:31

@Russell19

If you don't work and can't contribute a fair share then you can't really demand new carpets and bathrooms. I think he feels used for cash and I'm not surprised. The only thing I think he is BU about is the food shop. But if you work 27 hours a week , where is that money going?
What a strange view. It's a partnership so although one partner shouldn't "demand" money is spent on making the house safe and pleasant for the family, it is reasonable to discuss and suggest this. It's hardly using a partner for money to have an opinion on how the joint pot is spent.

I don't know why women put up with being told the family monetary decisions are the male partner's just because he works.

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