I could really use some advice please and a bit of a hand hold.
DP and I have been together for 15 years, we have DC. We have had rough patches but generally quite stable after the first couple of years.
Recently I am suddenly very, very insecure and it's making me anxious. I think it started when we had a huge argument (probably the biggest in our whole relationship to date, at least up there with the biggest). This was in January. That was resolved at the time, but seemed to trigger it off.
We've had a tough couple of years, especially him. He's had two big bereavements, and a health scare himself. He stopped drinking which I am really happy about, but he has been more emotional since. His parent is getting old and has major health problems. He's definitely been in a mid-life thing the past few years, even previous to the stresses he's had. Keeps considering big career changes and talking a lot about how he is getting old.
I was insecure right at the start of our relationship, but suddenly I am feeling extremely insecure again. I know that mid-life combined with personal problems is ripe time for affairs to begin, and I also feel that this is coming at a time when things have gotten a bit stale between us. It's like my brain is throwing out red signals - "your relationship is at risk!!".
I'm as certain as I can be that he is not cheating or anything like it. I don't think this is about that. I think it is about me, but also I do think there's some truth in it that my brain is on alert because it is the perfect storm for an affair to begin. He's not the 'type', but I am pragmatic enough to know that even those who are not the type can still succumb, first emotionally. I used to work in an industry where affairs were rife and it's not always who you'd suspect.
The feelings are horrible. I often have a knot in my stomach, I feel panicky. I read too much into everything. I am always creating scenarios like when he goes anywhere in my head there's all these women more attractive than me and he could strike up a connection with. He is more attractive than me, objectively, especially recently he started exercising. I love him and see good qualities in him but then it turns sour in my head because I think other women will also see these qualities. I cannot just relax and be happy. I feel huge pressure to improve myself so his head won't be turned.
It's exhausting and I am sick of it. I am trying my best not to show it to him, because I know it isn't fair. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he has never been one for reassurance, he just gets irritated.
If you've made it this far, what do I do here??
I think counselling would help in this situation but we can't afford it.