Just found out my ex of one month has terminal brain tumour

[BoringasF]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for support and advice please. I’m a single mother of 4, been divorced several years and last year took the plunge to try online dating (again). Long story short, met someone, dated for 9 months, seemed to be on the same page until earlier this year. He had been I’ll for a week and although he seemed to be better still complained of not feeling himself and a bit o forgetfulness. I kept asking him to see the GP but he didn’t. A month ago he came over for dinner and I wanted to talk about our relationship as I wanted to see him more frequently than once a week. He said he didn’t feel the relationship had a future for various reasons. We broke up a few days later and didn’t keep in touch.Sunday gone ( Mother’s Day) I got a text from his ex wife (we had spoken once before and she’s lovely) saying he’d been taken into hospital and it was confirmed that he has a malignant brain tumour that is terminal. They say he has a short term memory of 10 seconds now. I am devastated of course. One of the problems we had during the relationship was that no one in his life (kids, siblings, friends) seemed to know about me, except ex wife. She has offered to keep me in the loop. Yesterday I called the hospital and managed a short chat with him. He kept asking why I hadn’t called earlier (I think he’s forgotten that we broke up). I’m not sure what to do. I would like to phone him from time to time but my friends have warned about getting too involved. I am struggling to sleep and feel very anxious.

I would do what you want to do. How would you feel if you don’t phone him? I think I would want to keep in touch. You knew him for quite a while. It’s not like you are getting back into a relationship again and you know what is going to happen to him. Sending you hugs

It was a short relationship that ended. Please don't sign up to be involved/a carer out of guilt.

Maybe you could send him a card with a photo that includes an outline of good times in relationship, your current status, and best wishes so that he has something to reconstitute the memory as needed? Then you could check in occasionally over phone or visit and maybe he would remember better?

Do what you want to do and are comfortable with. If you want to keep in touch with him or visit him, then do so. You're not going to be asked to be his carer or anything, and sadly, any involvement on your part is going to be short, so it's not like you're stting yourself up for a lot of commitment.
But if you're uncomfortable with it, that's okay too.

I honestly don't think your friends have a role in your decision making. They're not the ones who were in a relationship with him, and they're not the ones who have to feel comfortable or otherwise. They may well be projecting their own feelings about talking with someone with a terminal condition or who it might be difficult to have a conversation with.

I like the card and photo idea to send to him.
It sounds like his mind is going fairly fast.
Send the card and and plan a good bye phone call. You don't actually have to say goodbye. It'll give you the chance to talk and a sense of closure. You'll be able to remember him as he was.

I've watched my first husband wither away to nothing. It's a painful experience

Whatonearth07957

It was a short relationship that ended. Please don't sign up to be involved/a carer out of guilt.“

This. Though you’ve nothing to feel guilty about.

Thanks for all your responses. I had a short conversation with him today and although his mind is going fast it felt good to speak to him and give him my very best. I’ll see how I feel as to whether I will call again.