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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you honestly do?

15 replies

LouiseJo90 · 29/03/2022 16:16

Ok, so I have 2 children who I absolutely adore. However, I want to do more with my life for them. I earn an Ok wage £14k for 3 days per week, however, I am not married and feel like this leaves me vulnerable and although I would like to be optimistic, the reality is I have to protect myself and the kids if the worst happens? I could go back to work full time in a heartbeat? Am I honestly vulnerable? The thought terrifies me, however, I am honestly not fussed about marriage really just the financial side of it x

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 29/03/2022 16:17

What is your housing situation? Do you live with a partner?

hamstersarse · 29/03/2022 16:20

Since I raised two children alone since they were 7 and 4. I went back to FT work as soon as I was a lone parent.

They are now 19 and 16 and I feel I would have been constantly stressed without some financial buffer.

I personally don't think you have much choice as a LP, you work full time, otherwise everything else is too much hard work.

hamstersarse · 29/03/2022 16:21

Oh wait - are you saying you have a partner but are not married?

Original poster
LouiseJo90 · 29/03/2022 16:24

I have a partner but not married yes.

OP posts:
Lookingforanswers202 · 29/03/2022 16:25

Well I I have 2 children and I’m not married. However we have a low mortgage and I have savings so would be able to buy him out and manage on my wage just about.

Original poster
LouiseJo90 · 29/03/2022 16:25

Sorry, should have been more specific, so yea my partner earns a good wage and came to a mutual agreement that the cost of childcare full time would be too much and I should return full time when my youngest starts school?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 29/03/2022 16:26

What is your housing situation and your partner’s financial / employment situation. Marriage only offers any real financial protection if there are any finances to begin with: if you rent your home and he is also on a low income, there’s very little to be shared after divorce and your position wouldn’t really be any stronger.

Original poster
LouiseJo90 · 29/03/2022 16:26

We has a row the other did and it made me want to explore my options (never been a concern before)

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 29/03/2022 16:26

Do you rent or own?

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/03/2022 16:27

Make sure you’re on the deeds to the house (if owned.)

Does he want to get married? It’s a bit of a moot point everyone telling you that marriage will protect you if he’s adamantly against it - in that case, you a) think about returning to work full time sooner and b) reevaluate whether you want to be in the relationship.

dontblamemee · 29/03/2022 16:28

It's not just about housing and meeting your needs/quality of life now, you need to plan for retirement too. On 14k you will be contributing much less to a pension than if you were working full time, yet your partner who works full time (I assume) is contributing full whack and benefiting from his employer's contributions too. In a marriage pensions can be split upon divorce so you would benefit in case of a break up.

BulletTrain · 29/03/2022 16:48

I also work 3 days a week. But we are nearly 20 years in and married, and DS gets 30 hours free so childcare costs are minimal. If we split up I'd go full time and would have £70k equity to sort us out which would buy a 2 bed on my income.

It does all depend on savings, mortgage vs rent, area you live, family help etc.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/03/2022 16:54

Honestly I would never have given up work qnd if I had ifI'fet back in ASAP.

I have a child and am married. My DH gets incredibly upset if I joke about divorce and says I am the love of his life and he makes six figures as do I.
I still won't give up work.

I watched my aunts and extended female family member get screwed on repeat as married women with no independent income and vowed as God is my witness it would never EVERY be me.

Money gives you options even in the relationship and it certainly gives you a hell of a lot if you want to get out.

Original poster
LouiseJo90 · 29/03/2022 16:56

I do have money and i would never ever give up my job as that would utterly stupid

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 29/03/2022 17:47

I do have money and i would never ever give up my job as that would utterly stupid

Oh fair enough
if you are financially solvent which I assume to mean you can independently provide accommodating and a maintained/ongoing lifestyle for yourself and your children then you have done very well.
I'd say if you have enough equity in your current home to buy out orbuy a new home out (via deposit and mortgage) and have significant savings (I'm guessing at least 100k?) to subsidise you on your current reduced salary...
then working part time while you kids are small is one of the options you afforded yourself

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