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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I help or ignore my friend

11 replies

zazzyvee · 29/03/2022 15:11

So I have a friend who I've known for years. She was always on the dramatic side and kind of thought she was better than everyone else (she wasn't)
Throughout the years our group of friends have distanced themselves from her and I'm about the only one she keeps in touch with. I've always given her the benefit of the doubt and thought she was more lonely than anything else but in the last few years, it has become progressively worse. She makes up stories to gain sympathy, she once told me her daughter had been raped by her stepfather my friend's ex DH. I don't know if that was true but the fact she stayed with I'm made me think otherwise. She has had countless ectopic pregnancies along with the numerous rare illnesses that she appears to get. My older sister had passed away and she came on the phone to me crying about her niece being in the hospital also near death. It was like she didn't want me to somehow get attention for my sister's death (I know it sounds weird)
Just yesterday she called me in hysterics to inform me that her work friend's husband was attending a consultation for a cancer diagnosis, I think she forgot that this work friend is also my cousin. I never discussed this with my cousin as I didn't want to get into the drama of it all. Needless to say, everything is fine with the husband.
So what do I do, do I confront her, ignore her or try to help. She does seem to have some mental health issues and drinks quite a lot. She's also fabricated a new partner who according to her daughter only visits on a Tuesday when her ds is staying overnight with his father. She makes out he is living with her.
Sometimes I just want her to not get in touch as it's always a drama, when I have questioned her in the past she becomes offended and cuts contact for a while but then I feel guilty that she's just sitting drinking on her own.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2022 15:34

Your other friends have done the right thing by completely distancing themselves here from her. Its hard being the last one left but you need to ask yourself exactly why you've let her in at all. Feeling guilty for her is no reason to remain in contact so your guilt here (where has this come from?) is totally out of place. And I would also think she feels no guilt or remorse for her behaviour towards you.

Re your comment:-
"So what do I do, do I confront her, ignore her or try to help".

How could you at all help someone like this; what can you realistically do?. You are not at all qualified and she does not want your help or support anyway. Addicts lie constantly to themselves and to others; stop being her audience here. She will soon find someone else to listen to her.

You do not need such disordered of thinking people in your life and besides which did you grow up seeing similar behaviour in a parent?.

DoWhatYouLike · 29/03/2022 15:35

She sounds rather odd but I know what you mean. I've also got a friend who invents/exaggerates stories so that she can play the victim, or sometimes be the hero in a situation. Why do some people do that? I can only think it's to somehow make themselves appear more interesting, or perhaps to evoke feelings of sympathy.

I'd think that in the case of your friend, alcohol is playing a part. You say she drinks a lot. Has she got parents, siblings, anyone else? She certainly sounds in need of help from someone, but I think if you're not careful, she'll drag you down with her tales.

JulieYS · 29/03/2022 15:46

Oh dear, that is one needy friend. I hesitate to use the word 'friend' though, because a true friend listens, not just talks. They also care about you, and what you're going through, not just piling onto you all their dramas...

From what you say, it does sound like she needs professional help, rather than just a shoulder to lean on. So maybe you can - tactfully - mention the possibility of seeing a therapist, or doctor, to help her through her problems? Especially if she has a drink problem.

pumpkinpie01 · 29/03/2022 15:48

She's a compulsive liar and if you have called her out on it before and she then starts ignoring you I'm not sure what you can do. You could say something like ' oh I'll ask such and such about that ' maybe that will make her think twice ?

zazzyvee · 29/03/2022 17:06

I’m a mental health nurse so that’s where the guilt comes in and I’m familiar with the thinking of addictions.
I try not approach my relationship with her as anything other than a “friend” though and although I’m used to getting bogged down with people's issues, I don’t want it in my personal life.
I feel I stick up for her with my other friends and they think I’m a soft touch but I’m just emphatic to others problems. I just don’t like the lies and the drama she uses to keep herself relevant.
All said and done I don’t want to be her therapist and you’re correct she doesn’t want my support anyway just someone who’ll listen to her lies.
I guess the best way is just to distance myself, let her find her own way and hopefully take steps to facilitate her recovery.
No my parents never displayed any of these behaviours.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/03/2022 17:14

You're buying into the drama. Look how much detail you went into.

Just opt out. You're not responsible for her in any way, and there's no 'caring friendship' for you to reciprocate.

zazzyvee · 29/03/2022 18:21

Sorry I never realised I’d went into so much guess it’s habit from writing notes hahaha
Yes you’re right of course, I’m just trying to validate my thoughts on on it.

OP posts:
MarbleQueen · 29/03/2022 19:36

Get shot quietly and quickly because one day these lies will be about you.

kimchichichi · 29/03/2022 19:41

I'd tell her that you know she's lying about your cousins husband for a start.

katicomps · 29/03/2022 19:55

She'll turn on you eventually, one day you'll be the one she's making up lies about to other people. I have experience with a person just like her. She's dangerous.

GreyCarpet · 29/03/2022 20:34

@MarbleQueen

Get shot quietly and quickly because one day these lies will be about you.
Yep.

Been there and got the t shirt in this one.

Twice, with different people. Never again...

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