Stubborn & Sulky Older Parents

[CaptainAnneBonny]

There's a huge story, 40 years worth of stories, so I'll be as brief as possible and try to include only relevant info...

Mother has had mental health difficulties since her teenage years. Oldest sibling also has mental health difficulties but is also violent. As a result, childhood and teenage years were moderately chaotic with lots of pandering & prioritising violent sibling, minimising her behaviour, gaslighting, "one last chance", etc...

We're NC with older sibling, she phones parents every so often to yell abuse at them and demand money. Relationship with parents has been fairly good over the last 10 years or so. Few hiccups but generally ok.

Something happened (involving violent sibling) that resulted in me being upset with my parents, I told them I felt upset with them due to this event (no drama, just a statement of fact). They said I'd upset them by being upset and are now not talking to me.

I feel a mixture of emotions: sadness, anger, anxiety.

They take calls from a violent, nasty person but are ignoring me. I've always been a low priority to them, our relationship is fine as long as I don't rock the boat, they will tolerate all levels of abuse from one child but can't tolerate me saying "that upset me".

I feel heartbroken for our children who have a close relationship with them, and our baby who hasn't seen them in months so doesn't even know they exist.

They're my parents and although our relationship has been tricky, we'd had a good run. I'm devastated that they can be so cold towards me.

I don't think about it most of the time because life is busy but when it catches me I feel sick with the sadness.

I don't know what I want from a thread... it's somewhere to wallow in self pity.

You have a right to be upset by this.
I think perhaps you've always been the reliable, balanced, reasoned child, and they have come to expect you never to rock the boat. You did nothing wrong in telling them you were upset, but they can't cope with it. It feels as though they should be the ones making the first move. They were the ones who caused the upset, they are the ones ignoring you, they are the ones with unreasonable expectations of you, and they are the ones missing out on seeing their GC.

If they don't get in touch, I don't think you will achieve much by trying to talk to them. You would likely just end up feeling even worse. I know it's hard, but they are punishing themselves and you by this behaviour, but are too stubborn to do anything about it.

Focus on your own children, and on making your life and theirs as good as it can be. Better to focus your energies on things you can change and things that make life better.

I’m so sorry for the upset they are causing you

I would be a bit concerned at the way they are happy to cut your children off though, and in your shoes, I wouldn’t be encouraging a close relationship between your parents and children going forward

I was a grandchild dropped and picked up at will and it gave me horrible anxiety

Your parents are obviously going to do that with your children, and it will really unsettle them, so if you patch things up, put a bit more distance between them and kids

This is hideous and gut wrenching. I would suggest reading up on toxic family dynamics it will help you realise this isn't about your worth but about your family's false narrative.

What the other respondents have written here.

I am wondering if your mother's MH difficulties are the result of she actually having some sort of untreated - and untreatable personality disorder. Same with your sibling; are she and your mother very similar to each other personality wise?. I would think they have given into all her demands for money etc. They also did not like you telling the truth about their behaviour and do not want to hear it so have cut you off. Infact by doing that they've done you a huge favour; you do not need such people in your life. Would you have tolerated what they have done here from a friend of yours?.

I would not feel so much sad at your parents as so much angry because they've put you through the wringer as well. Your family of origin is dysfunctional and they are responsible for continuing such a dynamic within it.

If your parents are too difficult/toxic/batshit for YOU to deal with though, its the same deal for your children as well. I would also not encourage a relationship going forward between your kids and them (if the other set of grandparents are nice and importantly emotionally healthy, then concentrate your efforts on them).

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point and also read the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt re these people through therapy and find a therapist who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

I'm very sorry for abandoning the thread... have been trying to keep it out of my mind as much as possible.

You're all correct. It is toxic. It's shit behaviour, it's an appalling way to treat someone.

I keep having moments of believing that the silence is for the best and distancing myself is the best. Then I have waves of total sadness. I look at my beautiful little baby and I can't believe they can so easily walk away from him. He's changing each day and they're missing it all. For all their failings as parents, they have been wonderful grandparents. The baby will never experience having loving grandparents and it's gutting.

Attila I think my mother has a mild learning difficulty and social communication difficulties. I think her mental health difficulties have never been properly assessed (MH was fairly taboo in the 80s)... she and oldest sibling have different personalities in that sibling is violent and angry, mum disengages from life or has episodes of uncontrollable weeping/sadness.

It's easy to cut off a friend who treats you badly, it's so hard to cut off parents. Especially as things have been good for a time. I know it's because I'm the easy one and they can't cope with me rocking the boat (it's like they've had a fight/flight response). It's not fair. I want to have parents and I want my kids to have grandparents.