How do people leave their partners when they don't/can't work?

[okapiokapi]

I have earnt my own money since I was 11, I have had both successful businesses and worked as an employee, often doing both at the same time. We moved over 80 miles away from everyone I've ever known 5 years ago whilst I was on maternity leave to a very rural area. I was planning on working in the local primary school once our youngest began nursery and my husband said that he would convert a small room into a working kitchen so that I could set up a small bakery. 11 months after moving we were involved in a car crash and I have been left with a lifelong disability. It's now over 5 years later and the small room is still not finished, plus I can't bake in the same way I once could, so I now require specialist equipment, which we can't afford and there is no funding for.

My dad died less than a year after the car crash and he was my only friend in the world. I'm autistic and working from home was always the long term plan when we moved, but without my husband completing what he started, I'm stuck. He leaves things all over the house and garden and I run around picking up after him, more than our children. I have issues sleeping and I have been sleeping on the sofa for 11 years. I usually lay on 'our' bed every Christmas Eve, so that the kids can see that Santa has been on Christmas morning, but last Christmas Eve my mum came and refused to leave the living room on Christmas Eve, so I had to stand in front of the door to stop them seeing her until she woke up and the Christmas Eve before, I slept on a wooden floor with three of our children because my husband had started ripping up floor boards in their bedroom in September and he still hadn't put new ones down by that point.

I'm stressed by mess, but if you saw our house, you wouldn't believe it. I spend every day cooking from scratch, home educating and cleaning and I'm exhausted. I wash, dry, iron and fold all my husband's clothes and all I ask of him is that he puts his own clothes away, like the adult he is, but when I go upstairs they're thrown on top of cupboards, on the floor or he'll throw them on the bed and kick them down the gap between the bed and the wall. We had lived here over four years before I could unpack my clothes out of the moving boxes, where everyone else's were put in drawers. We bought some drawers and I put my clothes in them and then when my husband ripped up the floorboards, everything was piled in front of them. I couldn't physically move them. In the last five years I have wore probably as many outfits. A couple of months after my dad died, I heard my husband joke to our teenage children that he doesn't have a sex life, because he's married to me. Firstly my Dad had just died, secondly; he's made 'our' bedroom into a hell hole that I can't breath in and lastly; I didn't feel it was appropriate to talk to our kids about that or demonstrate that I'm a joke. Upsettingly; they laughed! I don't have a friend in the world. My mother has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me and I don't know where to turn.

I can't drive and buses in the area we live in are expensive - no day rovers or discounts. There are no shops for 15 miles and no employers other than farming for about the same distance. I want to do something that I could do from home, but all the work from home jobs seem to involve driving or going out and I have mobility issues. My husband knows I have these issues, but I'm doing more now that I did before and I've had as much as I can take. Every time he has a coffee, he gets a new cup and sticks the other in the sink. I went in the kitchen in the early hours of Saturday morning and saw everything he'd left me to deal with and I've just given up. I haven't done the pots or eaten since Friday until yesterday (Monday) when I ate some crisps. When I feed the kids, I've resorted to using paper plates, because it's all getting too much, which I absolutely hate to do.

I don't have a degree and I'm stuck for what I could do. Could somebody give me ideas of how I can get out of this situation please? I've asked him for a divorce many times over the last few years, but he just ignores me and maybe does the pots but then returns to normal. I don't love him. I resent him. Every time we've had money and I've wanted to learn to drive or start a degree, he has found a use to better himself. The fact that I'm 40 and I can't drive in such an isolated area is very restrictive.

Go ahead and contact women's aid.
There are many different types of abuse.

www.scie.org.uk/safeguarding/adults/introduction/types-and-indicators-of-abuse

How many DC do you have and how old are they?
Do you have access to any money?

You can start a Unibersal Credit claim while you live with him, you don't have to wait to get away for that, if you are separated but still living in the same building while you find somewhere else, or he does. Do get on to Women's Aid, give them a ring, leave aessage of they don't answer and they'll call you back if you let them know when you will ha e the privacy for that. They can give you phone support and assign you a worker in person who can help with absolutely everything like this, forms, housing register, debt management, moving house, moral support.

He tastes the food you’ve prepared and decides whether or not to leave it and have cereal instead? This is not normal behaviour and I suspect there are other things he does that you have normalised too.
Echo women’s aid and also that you can claim UC under the same roof if you’re no longer a couple.
I think you have realised that you can’t go on like this which is really positive

There is the disabled facilities grant for adaptions to your home, contact adult social care. Also access to work will find any special equipment you need to be able to work or disabled students allowance to allow you to retrain.

Oh OP you are being abused. It doesn't matter whether or not you feel like it's abuse or not, you have many more experienced pp here telling you how it is.

Please listen to them. You sound so, so low and you deserve better.

I know you won't want to, but channel your anger into action. There will be help out there. You can make phonecalls at home, even with children in the house - just do it in the bathroom with the door locked. (Which says a lot in itself if that's your only option.)

Wishing your strength OP. You have so much of life left to live. You can't live it like this

I hope you listen to the people on this thread telling you that he is abusive and advising you to contact Women's Aid.

You might find it helpful to do some reading about abuse, if it helps you to see things more clearly and to feel more confident about taking action. See www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
Also, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a book that people often recommend. There are excerpts from it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

If you are able to access counselling at all, through your GP maybe, that could help too.

Sorry, I had missed your post about not being able to talk to your GP in confidence because of the children, and about the talk therapy coming to an end. Ignore my point about counselling then!

I was going to add some practical advice:

Are you claiming Carer's Allowance? If not, you should claim it ASAP and ask for it to be backdated to the start of your child's DLA claim. Get it paid into a bank account that your husband can't access - open a new one and keep it secret if necessary.

I think you need to start a secret emergency fund. It will help when you're ready to leave.

It's not going to be easy to leave him (practically or emotionally) so I think it would be best to get support and advice from women's aid.

In the longer run you will need legal advice and probably legal representation to decide what happens to the house and any other marital assets. If you are willing to discuss his abuse with your GP, women's aid or any other professional, in future this can be used as evidence and you may be eligible for legal aid.

Do you want to stay in the marital home? You mention half-finished DIY jobs and a remote, isolated location. So I would guess that you probably want to leave? In that case perhaps think about where you want to go. You can contact the local council and ask for housing advice. You may well be eligible for benefits to help pay the rent. You may need to explain why you can't stay in the marital home (it seems likely your husband would refuse to leave).

How many children do you have and how old are they?

You mentioned miscarriages. I am sorry for your losses

Do you still have sex with your husband and if so do you use any contraception?

I'm really sorry to hear of your current predicament OP.

You could look at www.entitledto.co.uk/ to see what you could get on your own.

I second contacting women's aid. I understand that you don't feel abused but it doesn't sound like you are in a loving partnership either. I didn't feel abused either I just felt there was something wrong with me.

Are you currently accessing any treatment or therapy through the NHS or charities regarding your disability? Would you be comfortable talking with your GP?

You are in an abusive situation. These women know what they are talking about and they are showing you how to get help. Don't think about all the problems at once because they will look like a big scary mountain. Just look at the next thing you can do.
Contact Women's Aid and take it from there. Can you walk a little way from your house so you have some privacy?
Keep doing one small thing at a time.
Come back here whenever you are stuck, and you will get more support and practical advice.
Your life sounds very hard but your husband is making it way harder than it needs to be and that is abusive.

You learn a marketable skill. I recommend IT profession, goes well with being autistic/disabled/working from home. Learn to drive as well.

WFH = Work from home

Which I guarantee would be available to you. Get on LinkedIn, there are WFH positions available. It's all home based, no office.

Check out this job at NPCC: www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/2990527067

Like this. Location = remote.

I know you say you’re not being abused.
That’s ok. You can still call Women’s Aid.
You have nothing to lose, they won’t be upset if you contact them.

I'm really sorry, I didn't realise that this went on to a second page.

I've probably typed things in a way that makes it sound like he's abusing me, but he isn't.

On Christmas Eve, I slept on the wooden floor, because 'our' mattress was on 'our' bed. Some of our kids that shared a room were laying on their mattresses from their beds. My husband thought he'd have it done for Christmas, but he ran out of time.

As for where I'd go - I don't know. I don't want to be here but I can't really see myself anywhere else either. We've been together for 20 years.

He does sometimes eat the food I make, but other times he'll look at it and decide against it. It is hard to explain to the kids and they end up wanting to leave it too and eat cereal etc...

The disabled facilities grant doesn't cover adapting a house for a business. I've contacted them many times as it appears that it could from how it's wrote, but it doesn't.

Access to Work is for people who are employed. I contacted them as one of the pages mentions being self employed, but they've ignored all my emails and one letter I wrote, asking if I would be able to apply.

I looked into carers allowance but with what would be deducted from our Child Tax Credits, we'd have less money.

I looked on the job listing for NPCC but it says that there will be a requirement for regular travelling and I depend on my husband 100% to get anywhere new. I struggle to plan and follow routes. This is the issue I'm having with all work from home roles - they require travel.

"I looked into carers allowance but with what would be deducted from our Child Tax Credits, we'd have less money."

You shouldn't have less money, it's just that your Carer's Allowance would be deducted from your tax credits, so you would have the same overall. The difference is that Carer's Allowance is claimed in your name only (not a joint claim like tax credits) so it would not be affected by any changes in relationship status. If you did end the relationship then you would have to end your tax credits claim.

It might be worth contacting citizens advice to see if you would be better off on universal credit (instead of tax credits), see www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/claiming/helptoclaim/

[quote AnotherEmma]"I looked into carers allowance but with what would be deducted from our Child Tax Credits, we'd have less money."

You shouldn't have less money, it's just that your Carer's Allowance would be deducted from your tax credits, so you would have the same overall. The difference is that Carer's Allowance is claimed in your name only (not a joint claim like tax credits) so it would not be affected by any changes in relationship status. If you did end the relationship then you would have to end your tax credits claim.

It might be worth contacting citizens advice to see if you would be better off on universal credit (instead of tax credits), see www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/claiming/helptoclaim/[/quote]
I looked into it myself and then CAB compared the difference too. I can't see the point of claiming two separate benefits that total less than one. I need a job. Work at home jobs involve going out, but I need one that is 100% at home.

I know the tax credits go down, but the carers allowance didn't cover that, it was less overall. I don't want to cancel my tax credits to claim universal credit because my husband would be informed and I wouldn't be able to save anything as we still have a household to pay for.

If you told Women's Aid what you've posted here they would 100% say it was abuse, financial, emotional and psychological abuse. It's difficult to recognise when it's crept up on you bit by bit and become your normal but it's as clear as day to anyone reading this OP.

This will sound dramatic but from an objective viewpoint it really isn't, you need to get away from him before you disappear completely, he is sucking the life out of you, quite literally because he's making you so miserable you don't even want to eat. In your position I would be begging Women's Aid for a refuge place for you and DC. You need a complete new start and the maximum level of support to do so and a refuge, followed by continued support with housing and disability entitlements etc is the best (only really in your situation) way to get that.

I realise how it will feel to read that and you will automatically reject the idea because you will think 'it's not that bad'. But it is that bad, this miserable existence is not a life and none of it is your fault or your doing. You won't see it until you're away from him but you are wasting your precious life on someone who cares only for himself. If you have a spare £12 the online Freedom Programme would be eye opening for you, it explains how to recognise abuse and might make it easier for you to ask for some help. freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I fully agree with what @StormyWindow says above - "If you told Women's Aid what you've posted here they would 100% say it was abuse, financial, emotional and psychological abuse. It's difficult to recognise when it's crept up on you bit by bit and become your normal but it's as clear as day to anyone reading this."

That's not how a man who loves, or even likes, his partner behaves.

In the short (and possibly long) term, there is a lot of work available to you if you can work online. You are articulate and write very clearly, with good style and grammar and there is a lot of online VA work available to you. Techpixies are a UK and women-owned organisation and they have a free webinar you could take a look at to introduce you to what they do - techpixies.com/

(I'm not affiliated to them in any way!)