So what happens now?

[rocket74]

Last week after years of (on my part) an unhappy marriage due to their emotional suffocation, verbal abuse, the realities of life with a very disabled child, sleep deprivation, constant swearing (fucking cunt), punching walls, cancer and the constant relentlessness of being that other persons sounding board/emotional dump - I have told my husband I can't and don't want to live with him anymore.

He is broken. Completely surprised. Thought we were strong. I don't know how he could think this? There has been no physical/sex for years. Calling your wife an f'ing cunt for all manner of minor misdemeanours may be it

I'm trying to be kind. I don't want to, and I can't relay all the past reasons to him, he is saying the anger and swearing started when I withdrew affection? Hmmm.
I did withdraw, I learnt to ignore, I stopped saying stuff, I pre-thought what I did say, I created my own separate life of friends.
I'm sorry to both of us I didn't end it years ago.

So what happens now?

All in same house. Haven't told the children.
Every time we're alone I feel cornered and questioned and he starts breaking down.
He wants the chance to try.
I'm avoiding him.
He says im acting like 'the cold man'.
He has no friends to go and stay with.
Do I have to find answers for all his questions? - Ive been walking on eggshells for years in case I have an opinion or a naive as yet informed opinion on something for fear of the ensuing 'teacher' moment/hour.
I don't want him, his voice, his opinions in my head anymore.
He wants to be held and hugged.
He is on his best behaviour and is clearly trying to change my mind. Even though I've admitted I don't love him anymore.
Ive said I'm not kicking him out/packing his bags ... but there needs to be a plan in place.
Ive got Stage 4 cancer currently in NEAD - so I'm not counting on many more years - but I don't want them with him. He's mortified I'd rather die alone 'none of your friends or family love you as much as I do' than with him.
I'm not expecting or planning any new relationship - terminal cancer puts that in its place.

I wrote about some of this a long time ago, 2014!!! I feel like a bloody idiot ... but I got here in the end. 8 years.

You're incredibly strong, op. I would ignore him entirely, unless absolutely necessary to interact with him. Don't entertain any of his bullshit for a second. Get a solicitor and get out of this situation as quickly as possible.

The years you have got, you must take - to be on your own terms, some peace away from him. Your strength shines through.

How old are your children op ?

Our kids are 10 and 13. One of them has severe autism plus other conditions.
I believe my husband is very much on the spectrum but he has never sought a diagnosis.
But he has severe misophonia, doesn't always read other people cues - or if he does he can get angry or frustrated at their lack of attention/interest in whatever he's talking about.

He’s a grown man responsible for his own actions, and it’s his choices and behaviours that have led him to where he is now. Let him get on with it - he is not your responsibility. Take ownership of the life you have left and LIVE IT don’t give him any more chances to distract you from wringing every enjoyment out of the time you have left - give that gift to yourself and your children 💐

Hello @rocket74, I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I just wanted to say that I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you at the moment. I too have a son with ASD and a husband, who I too think is on the spectrum, but is undiagnosed.

I've suffered so many years of emotional abuse and he once again started shouting at me whilst making false accusations at me last week and I just couldn't take it any more. He is so selfish and self-centred. He couldn't even organise for my children to do nice things for me on Mother's Day. Luckily, at least one of my DSs drew me a lovely card.

My husband is also on his 'best behaviour' too at the moment. I just find it so sickening and feel so stuck, as I'm a sahm. I gave up my job to help my DS with ASD.

I'm currently struggling with memories of past events. I find it understandable that we can both have different memories of the same thing - but he's trying to insist his version is the only one. Like my whole gut feeling and emotions are being re-written.
He's been talking to friend who apparently also remembers everything exactly as he remembers it. But they weren't there? So he only remembers his version.
I'm trying today to get some wheels in motion to get him out. He certainly won't do it.
Citizens Advice today for starters.

File for divorce, no fault comes in next month. Rip off the plaster and file.