Should I ask bf to get my mum a bday present?

[tinseltits21]

Recently it was my bf (of a year)'s mum's bday and I got her a bottle of wine. I also bought his sister a bday present. I have met them on a few occasions and they got me Xmas presents. I bought them presents because I wanted to and thought it was a nice thing to do - bf did not expect me to but was aware I wanted to and he gave me ideas for what I could get them.

It's my mum's bday this weekend. Bf mentioned this and hasn't said anything about getting her a present or even a card. I think it would be polite of him to reciprocate but I don't know if IABU to expect this? Should I bring it up with him, and if so, how?

Also my parents took him out for a meal on his bday which is another reason why I think he should at least get her a card

Why are you buying gifts for his family separately? Just buy them together or do what most couples do and co sign a card regardless of who bought what. Me and DH DO go half on gifts. If it's just a card he'd sign my name or I'd sign his.

I assume you live separately as that is the only reason I could see that you don't just give a combined gift and card together?

TBH- my now DH would barely think to get his own mother a birthday gift- let alone mine. It was a nice thing for you to do, but you cant expect him to reciprocate.

You could say 'did you want any ideas of what to get my mum for her birthday' but I bet it never occurred to him to get anything.

@MarmiteCoriander yes we do live separately. I think you're right that I can't really expect him to get anything and it would be out of order for me to say 'aren't you getting my mum anything for her bday?' He is similar to your DH in terms of remembering to buy presents. I have hinted a bit eg 'it's my mum's bday on Saturday, I've got her a really nice card' etc but he is oblivious lol. Whereas gift giving is an important thing for me, it's not so much for him. I must remember this and adjust my expectations accordingly. Thank you!

Nope, and don’t get sucked in to this or you’ll end up doing all the present shopping forever. It might be ok at the moment, but 10 years down the line when you’re wasting brain space, time and money trying to work out what to get for his great aunt Bertha for Christmas you’ll regret it. He buys for his family, you buy for yours, or you shop together for everyone. Put both names on if you like, but you should not be buying separate presents for his family and vice versa.

Strange advice from some here … I would be considerably less than thrilled if my adult child gave me a gift or signed a card for me with their relatively new partner.

If said partner brought a bottle of wine to lunch or sent flowers I’d be delighted.

But I’d be sad if adult child felt obliged to coax their partner into getting me anything.

Does he buy you any presents or is this not being good at gift giving just about other people?

Be much more direct
Bf it would be nice if you gave my mum something for her birthday

I would just say ‘you know it’s mums birthday this weekend- have you organised a little present? I thought it was really nice she got you XX on your birthday’.

I’d be quite blunt about it to be honest as I’d expect him to do something small - a card, bunch or flowers sort of thing, and if be blunt so he understands that it’s expected.
I’d absolutely expect my DH to make a small effort on my mums birthday when we were in a serious relationship… now we are further down the line and married with dc we give gifts as a family but I think the etiquette here is for him to also make an effort, doesn’t have to be a big effort but something to say he’s thought of her… I think it’s good manners. Maybe I’m old fashioned!! xx

I think you should leave it up to him. Just because you are buying for his family it doesn’t mean he has to reciprocate

I think this is over the top. My husband doesn’t buy his own Mum or family presents. I wouldn’t expect him to buy for mine. Gifts come last for both of us on our love language though 🤷‍♀️

I think it's fine to get separate presents in a fairly new relationship as joint gifts are quite a couple-y thing, when you're an established partnership. Maybe that's just me but I wouldn't have put DH's name on family gifts in the first year we were together.

We have been together for a decade now and we sort gifts for our respective families and just sign it from both of us. I have never been involved in buying gifts for his dad - I don't even know what he got him for Christmas last year

I would find it odd if my brother got me something for my birthday and then his wife, my SIL, got me a completely separate gift. One gift, card and tag signed from both of them.

[quote tinseltits21]@MarmiteCoriander yes we do live separately. I think you're right that I can't really expect him to get anything and it would be out of order for me to say 'aren't you getting my mum anything for her bday?' He is similar to your DH in terms of remembering to buy presents. I have hinted a bit eg 'it's my mum's bday on Saturday, I've got her a really nice card' etc but he is oblivious lol. Whereas gift giving is an important thing for me, it's not so much for him. I must remember this and adjust my expectations accordingly. Thank you![/quote]
If gift giving isn’t important to him then stop buying for him and his family.

Why would you buy gifts for him if he doesn’t care about them?