Falling for another man

[LunaLooneyTunes]

I'm due to get married in six months. I have been with my fiancé for nearly 10 years. I'm 26 now and we started dating when I was 18, he's a few years older than me. Objectively he is a very good partner. He is kind, supportive of my career, and I get on well with his family, as he does with mine. I was very happy when we got engaged.

My problem is that I have completely fallen for somebody I met about a year ago. I think he likes me too. While I don't think he would be as devoted to a relationship as my current partner, we are very compatible, and share a lot of the same interests, more so than I do with my fiancé. I just can't stop thinking about this man.

I would never cheat on my fiancé. I'm not even asking if I should consider leaving him for this other man (I don't even know if a relationship would work out there). I'm more wondering if the fact that I have started to have these feelings for somebody else is a sign that I shouldn't be getting married? Has anybody else felt this way and worked through it?

This is making it impossible to look forward to my wedding. My own take on the matter is that I'm just scared about getting married due to getting older, and the lost opportunities that come with that. I think I'm just projecting this anxiety onto this potential alternative, but I'd love to hear what others think.

I was engaged to my ex and we shared a house together. I met another guy at work and we totally hit it off. I never cheated, however the fact I felt this way about the guy at work made me realise that I actually didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with my ex.

I was only 24 when we got engaged. I ended things with him around 6 months after I hit it off with the guy at work.

I enjoyed a couple of years being single and discovering who I was as a person. Now I’m in a relationship with someone who I 100% know I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I often think, had I stayed with my ex I’d have spent the rest of my life wondering ‘what if’.

Go with your gut and do what’s best for you, whether that’s marrying him or not

You shouldn’t be getting married.

Agree w pp. If you are not hand on heart excited about spending your life with your partner, end it...

Thank you,

I don't think I'm quite at the same stage, as I wouldn't say that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with my fiancé.

I feel like he's a valuable asset in my life. I've talked to him about my worries about getting married (without mentioning the other man), and I found that very helpful.

I know he will be a good husband and a good father, but the "what if" feeling resonates with me.

I feel so guilty even having these thoughts, and I wish I could talk to him about it. :(

My own take on the matter is that I'm just scared about getting married due to getting older, and the lost opportunities that come with that.

I've never been married, but I like to think that should it ever happen, I'd feel the opposite of this.

Getting married should make you excited for the future, not sad about what else might have been.

A large part of me is excited about our future together. I think we have a lot to look forward to and are on the same page about what we want in life.

I'm half thinking of just coming clean and discussing this all with him? I feel like he has a right to know and he's the one person I really want to talk about all this with.

l feel like he's a valuable asset in my life.
But do you love him outside of what he can bring to you?

@MichelleScarn

l feel like he's a valuable asset in my life. But do you love him outside of what he can bring to you?

Yes.

That's what makes this all so hard. I couldn't imagine hurting him.

I'm half thinking of just coming clean and discussing this all with him? I feel like he has a right to know and he's the one person I really want to talk about all this with.

I don't think that would be very kind to him. Imagine how he would feel??

I feel like he's a valuable asset in my life
I dream of someone saying this about me!

Flippancy aside, I think you're better off talking to a therapist to help you unpick how you feel, op.

I don't think that would be very kind to him. Imagine how he would feel??

I know it would destroy him... but does he not have a right to know what he's marrying?

It’s interesting you say that your fiancé is the one person you want to talk to. You obviously have a close relationship for you to feel like that. How would it feel if you couldn’t have that ever again with him? Sometimes we take people close for granted and can’t even imagine what it’d be like without them.

@bozzabollix

It’s interesting you say that your fiancé is the one person you want to talk to. You obviously have a close relationship for you to feel like that. How would it feel if you couldn’t have that ever again with him? Sometimes we take people close for granted and can’t even imagine what it’d be like without them.

Exactly. He's the one person I want to turn to, and it's killing me that I can't. I honestly do think we are a very good couple and that we have a strong relationship.

I know people can get crushes, even when they are in committed relationships, but I'm just worried it's a red flag that I'm thinking so much about another man, so close to my wedding.

How would you feel if he came home and told you he had feelings for someone else, and wasn't sure about marriage now?

@MichelleScarn

How would you feel if he came home and told you he had feelings for someone else, and wasn't sure about marriage now?

Honestly I just talk to him about it. I'm not being dismissive but I'd just have to hear what he had to say and where it was coming from.

That's why I think you need to speak to a counsellor. I'm not judging you and I hope it didn't come across that I was, it's a very difficult situation to find yourself in but I don't think burdening your fiance is a good idea (at least not until you're much clearer about what you really want).

Hello there I can relate to all of this !! exept the getting married part! I'm 28 been my partner 10 years this October together since I was 18, a few years back I met a man at work and it was liek a total shock to me I couldn't get him out my mind day night was even having re occurring dreams about him ! I really did fancy him like mad, just hit it off every vway possible, he few years older than me, ( 31) me and boyfriend was going through very rough patch and I think meeting this other manade me question everything if I was even with the right guy, me and this fella at work would message and he wanted to meet up with me ( I did ) nothing happend and I even told boyfriend I had met him, I considered leaving partner for this man and I don't know what but something stopped me and my heart hurt so much I thought what the hell am I doing, be loosing soemone I care about for the chance of a mystery guy! I eventually moved jobs and stopped all contact seemed to work! I quess what I'm saying is it's up to you how would you feel leaving partner or are you going to be happy with this marriage rest your life? I know it's really hard knowing the answer or what to do! I was googling all sorts 🤣 x hope I have helped somewhat! Xx